Written by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen with additional material by Keith Owen.
Original material is in black. Additional material is in blue.
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe walks up to and knocks on Chandler and Monicas door.]
Monica: (opens the door wearing a robe, but leaves the chain on) Hey, whats up?
Phoebe: Well, I left my guitar here again.
Monica: Oh, okay. No problem.
Phoebe: Okay. (Monica closes the door, gets the guitar, and then hands it out.)
Monica: Here you go.
Phoebe: Great! Umm (Monica closes the door again and Phoebe knocks again.)
Phoebe: So do you want to hang out or something?
Monica: Phoebe! You kinda caught me at a bad time.
Phoebe: Oh are you and Chandler
Monica: Yes! Exactly.
Phoebe: Okay. Do you guys want me to play for you?
Monica: (laughs) No. (Closes the door as Chandler walks up.)
Chandler: Hey Pheebs, whats up?
Phoebe: You ask an intriguing question Chandler Bing.
(Chandler lets her into the apartment and reveals that Monica is getting a massage from another woman.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! Youre getting a massage! You never let me massage you!!
Monica: Phoebe, I can explain! You see..... God! I gotta get better at lying.
Phoebe: You told me you hate massages!
Chandler: Buy stamps, pick up dry cleaning Dont let Phoebe in.
Phoebe: I cant believe this! How long as this been going on?
Monica: Well umm, Alexandra has been
Phoebe: Oh, it has a name?
Monica: Phoebe, dont get upset!
Phoebe: OkayOop! Too late! Im leaving! Come on Chandler lets go! (She storms out.)
Chandler: Well, Phoebe I thought Id(Off Phoebes look)Yeah, what the hell. (Exits with Phoebe.)
[Scene: Joeys Bedroom, Joey is having a dream about Rachel giving birth with him as the father.]
Joey: Oh okay, okay! One more push! One more push! Come on honey, were almost there! Were almost there!
Rachel: Oh Joey, Im so happy things worked out for us that were having this baby together. I love you so much.
Joey: Oh, I love you too.
Rachel: And I hope its not an inappropriate time to say this but, youre the best sex I ever had.
Joey: Thats always appropriate! (Back to the matter at hand) Oh, okay. One more push! One more push!
(Finally, the baby is delivered and starts crying.)
Doctor: Oh, here is your beautiful baby. Congratulations!
(She hands the baby to Joey who pulls down the blanket to reveal Rosss face where the babys should be.)
Ross: (crying) I hope youre a better father than youre a friend!! (Cries again and Joey wakes up in horror.)
Rachel: (bursts into the room) Joey! Joey!
Joey: What? Whats going on?
Rachel: Come feel this! Come feel my belly!
Rachel: Joey! The baby is kicking for the first time! Will you please come feel this?!
(Joey starts to get up but stops.)
Joey: Oh, yknow what? Maybe uh, you you should come to me. Im a not, Im not wearing any bottoms.
Rachel: Oh, okay! (She goes over to him and he feels her belly.)
Joey: Oh my, oh my God!
Rachel: Aw, its unbelievable! Wow! She is kicking so much! Oh, shes like umm oh whos that kind of annoying girl soccer player?
Joey: Mia Hamm?
Rachel: Mia Hamm!
Joey: Oh thats amazing. (Drops the sheet.)
Rachel: (looking down) Oh-oh!! One hand on the sheet Joe!
Joey: Whoa-hey-oh! Sorry!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica has opened another wedding present as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey babe.
Monica: Hi honey. We just got a wedding gift from Bob and Faye Bing; they dont like us do they? (They gave them a polka-dotted punch bowl.)
Chandler: Who says you cant get a nice punch bowl for under six bucks? Maybe we can take it back?
Monica: No, it doesnt say where it came from. Where would we return it?
Chandler: How about to the street say from the balcony?
Monica: We can't do that. What if they come back for a visit?
Chandler: Let's cross that bridge when my aunt and uncle who I haven't seen in 15 years drop by unexpectedly and demand a gigantic bowl of punch.
Monica: Why dont we just find a place for it?
Chandler: Okay. How about in that cabinet?
Monica: No! Thats where we keep the canned goods! Have you completely forgotten everything you learned at orientation?
Chandler: How about the closet by the bathroom? (The secret green door by the bathroom.)
Monica: Oh, okay. Here, why dont you let me do it?
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, I will do it. Honey, you have to learn to sit down and relax and let your husband take care of things once and awhile. (Tries the door.) Its locked, you have to help me. Why is it locked?
Monica: No reason. I-I keep private things in there.
Chandler: Oh yknow, Ive been living here a while and Ive never seen whats inside that closet. What is, what is in there?
Monica: Feminine stuff.
Chandler: Dont try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff!
Monica: Chandler, there is nothing in there that concerns you! If you love me you-youll let it go.
Monica: Thank you! (He tries the door again and Monica glares at him.)
Chandler: (walking casually away) Love you.
Phoebe: (entering) Hello Chandler, lovely day huh? (To Monica) You!
Chandler: Phoebe if it helps Alexandra has only been massaging Monica for like three years. (Phoebe rolls her eyes and walks away and Monica glares at him.) If! I said, "If it helps!" (Goes to the bedroom.)
Phoebe: Why wont you let me massage you?
Monica: Well its I mean Id justId be self-conscious. Youre my friend; Id be naked.
Phoebe: Monica! We lived together for years! Ive seen you naked!
Monica: Thats different, we were roommates! And when?!
Phoebe: Im curious about the human body.
Monica: Hey, come on Phoebe, you can understand why this would be weird for me.
Phoebe: But Im a professional! And Im really good! Look, if youre uncomfortable we can stop. Just give me a chance, okay. Please?
Monica: Okay, if it means that much to you
Phoebe: It does! How would you feel if you couldnt share your cooking? Or-or imagine how Ross would feel if he couldnt teach us about dragons.
Phoebe: Potato, potaato.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Rachel are there as Ross enters.]
Joey: Hey Ross! The babys kicking!
Ross: What?! It is?! (He tries to quickly remove his gloves, but runs into trouble and finally throws them off of his hands like a hockey player in a fight and grabs Rachels belly.)
Rachel: Its not kicking right now. Although we would love to see you do (Mimics him) that again.
Ross: Hey, when-when was it kicking? What happened?
Rachel: Last night! I just felt it and I went into Joeys room and he was sleeping
Joey: A dreamless sleep.
Ross: My God, the babys kicking. Thats great. Although I kinda wish I-I wouldve been there to feel the kicking for the first time yknow.
Joey: Well I got stuff going on in here (Rubbing his belly) if you wanna feel.
Ross: I'll pass, but you look radiant.
Ross: Look, I-I dont want to miss anymore baby stuff. So Here. Heres my new pager number, okay? Anytime anything pregnancy related happens use it! Ill be there! Okay? I dont care if its three in the morning and all you want is ice cream.
Joey: Wow! Can I get a copy of that?
[Scene: Phoebe's Apartment, Monica is lying on the massage table waiting for Phoebe.]
Phoebe: (calling from her room) Are you under the sheet?
(Phoebe turns on some music and grabs some oil.)
Phoebe: (in a soothing voice) Great, lets begin. (She starts the massage.) Hows the pressure?
Monica: Nice! Wow Phoebe you are good!
Phoebe: Stating the obvious, but thank you. And its not weird is it.
Monica: No. Ooohh
Phoebe: Thats right, you just enjoy.
Monica: (in a sexy voice) Oh. Oh yeah! Ohhhhh! Ohh! Oh yeah!
Phoebe: (getting uncomfortable) Okay.
Monica: Oh God Phoebe!! (Phoebe covers one ear.) Oh thats it! Thats it! Right there! Oh! (Tries to cover the other ear.) Ooooh-oooh-ooooh (Covers both ears and continues the massage with her elbows.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has a box of keys and is trying them on the secret closet when someone enters.]
Chandler: I wasnt trying to open your closet! I wasnt trying to open your closet! I swear! (Running into the kitchen and sees its Joey.)
Joey: Whoa, Monica runs a pretty tight ship over here. What are you doing?
Chandler: Monica has a secret closet and she wont let me see whats in it.
Joey: Why not?
Chandler: I dont know! What could she possibly be hiding in here that I cant see?!
Joey: I dont know. Ooh, I bet its Richard.
Joey: Before you say i'm wrong, let me ask you something: when was the last time you saw him?
Chandler: Why would Monica be keeping Richard in here?
Joey: Well off the top of my head uhh, maybe she’s having her cake and eating it too. You being the cake and Richard being the too.
Chandler: That was off the top of your head?
Joey: Yeah. Or!
Chandler: And here we go
Joey: I saw this movie once where there was a door and no one knew what was behind it, and when they finally got it open millions and millions and millions of bugs came pouring out and they feasted on human flesh. Yknow it wouldnt kill ya to respect your wifes privacy! (He walks away and into his apartment and looks the door.) Stupid closet full of bugs!
Rachel: Joey. Joey, something feels weird and not good weird. I dontWhoa!! (Winces in pain.)
Joey: Oh hey whoa-whoa, dont worry. Okay. When my sisters were pregnant they got every weird feeling in the book, it was always nothing.
Joey: Absolutely. But, were gonna stop by the hospital just to be sure, okay? Ill page Ross on the way. Come on.
Rachel: Okay. Oh GodOw!Oo!
Joey: Okay Rach-Rach-Rach look at me, look at me, everythings gonna be fine, trust me. Okay. Take my hand. Here we go. (Rachel grabs his hand.) Oww crushing bones! Good thing we're going to a hospital. Open it (the door) open it, Watch your feet, there's bug everywhere.
[Scene: The Hospital, Joey is in the waiting room as Rachel comes back out with the doctor.]
Joey: Hey! So?
Dr. Long: Shes fine. Shes experiencing Braxton-Hicks contractions, mild discomfort caused by contractions in the uterine wall.
Rachel: Hmm, mild discomfort. So I take it youve had one of these Braxton thingies?
Joey: So but everything is normal.
Dr. Long: Absolutely.
Joey: And-and theres no danger to her and the baby?
Dr. Long: No-no. Contractions can be unnerving if you dont know what they are, but shes fine.
Rachel: Thank you doctor. (Dr. Long exits.) (To Joey) Oh thank you for being so nice and calm.
Joey: Calm?! I wasnt calm! Ive never been more scared in all my life!
Rachel: But wait you said everything was gonna be okay.
Joey: Well what do I know?! Im not a doctor!
Rachel: But IBut everything is okay. Im fine!
Joey: You sure?!
Rachel: Yes! Yes! I got half a mind to contract that doctors uterus though. Mild discomfort, whats he talking about?
Joey: (seeing Ross) Oh hey-hey!
Ross: (rushes in) Is everything okay?
Rachel: Yeah, everythings fine!
Ross: Your page said come to the hospital, what? What was it? What happened?
Joey: Something called Braxton-Hicks contractions.
Ross: Oh. Oh. Thank God, most women dont even feel them.
Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.
Joey: Hey uh, whats with the candy?
Ross: Oh when you beeped me I was on line at the concession stand at the movie theater.
Rachel: Oh you went to the movies by yourself?
Ross: No IMona!
Rachel: Oh, I gotta go back in there.
Ross: What? Why? Whats wrong?
Rachel: No, everythings fine. I just gotta go back
Ross: No really, you tell me whats up.
Rachel: I-I forgot my underwear. (Ross lets her go.)
Ross: (To Joey) So, thanks so much for bringing her to the hospital.
Joey: Oh hey, dont worry about it man. Dont worry about it, no big deal.
Ross: Yeah but still, I mean it shouldve been me. Im the dad.
Dr. Long: (To Joey) Uh, if you have any questions, heres some information on Braxton-Hicks. (Hands Joey a pamphlet.) Oh and by the way, you did the right thing by bringing her in. Youre gonna make a wonderful father.
Joey: Oh uh, hey. Not as good as this guy! (Grabs Ross around the shoulders.) He brought Twizlers!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey and Chandler are still working on the door.]
Chandler: There has got to be a way!
Joey: Easy there Captain Kirk. Oh, do you have a bobby pin?
Chandler: Yeah. (Checks his hair.) Oh no wait, Im not an nine-year-old girl.
Joey: Then why do you throw like one?
Chandler: Maybe Monica has a bobby pin.
Joey: Sure. "Monica."
Chandler: So, hows the hideously inappropriate crush on Rachel coming?
Joey: Uh, really good. Really good. Yeah, I should be ready to kill myself any day now. (Chandler returns with a bobby pin and hands it to Joey.) Wow, you sure found that quick. (He tries the pin in the lock.) I justI wish I didnt feel this way about Rachel anymore, yknow? I wish things could go back to normal. I mean, I love living with her and God, helping out with the baby is just amazing, but now I think I think Ross feels left out. Yknow? When I had to take Rachel to the hospital, the doctor thought I was the father. God You shouldve seen the look on Rosss face. (Pause) By the way, I have no idea what Im doing here. For all I know Im just locking it more. Oh hey, did you try opening it with a credit card?
Chandler: Thats a good idea.
Chandler: Okay. (They switch places and Chandler gets out a credit card.) So uh, Ross is kinda bummed huh?
Joey: Oh, I just I feel terrible.
Chandler: Well, its not your fault. What are you gonna do? Not take her to the hospital? Yknow? Youre doing nothing wrong. (Pause) Except for harboring an all consuming love for the woman whose carrying his baby.
Joey: Well, there is that.
(Chandler loses his card behind the door.)
Chandler: Richard? If-if you’re in there, could you pass me my credit card?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as Monica enters.]
Monica: I gotta tell you, yesterday was amazing. That massage felt so good!
Phoebe: No-no, I got that.
Monica: So umm, what do you say we make it a weekly appointment?
Phoebe: Okay. Okay but you should know though, Ive raised my rates to $200 an hour.
Phoebe: I mean $500.
Monica: Whats going on?
Phoebe: Oh, you make sex noises when you get massaged!
Monica: What? (Laughs.)
Phoebe: Yeah, and it really freaked me out! And after a while I even tried to hurt you and it just spurred you on.
Monica: What?! Youre crazy! Theres nothing sexual about the noises I make!
Phoebe: Really? Theres nothing sexual about this? (Sexily) Oooh. Oo God! Ohh. Ohhhh. Ohh. (Some cute guy is watching closely.) (To him) What are you looking at?! (Pause) I mean hi.
Monica: That's why Alexandra wears ear-plugs when she gives me a massage. It's not because she hates Enya! Oh myThis is so embarrassing. Oh my God, Im never gonna get massaged again!
Phoebe: No, you cant let this stop you from getting massages! No look, I have, I have lots of clients that make the same noises you do!
Phoebe: Well not clients, lovers. But lets just yknow, try it again. Come back and-and well work through it.
Monica: Are you sure?
Monica: I guess.
Phoebe: Great! Okay, if youll just excuse me. (To the guy) So, did you hear something you liked?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing an aluminum can on her stomach as Ross enters.]
Rachel: Hey Ross! Check it out! I learned a new trick!
Ross: Y'know, if you stuck one hand down your pants, you're the spitting image of Joey. Hey uh, I brought you some lunch.
Rachel: Ohh! Thats so sweet of you! Oh yum! (Takes a bite out of the sandwich and starts to get sick.) Did you put pickles on this?
Ross: Well yeah!
Rachel: Oh Ross!! (Runs to the bathroom and closes the door.)
Ross: What?! What?! Rach what?!
Joey: Whats going on?
Ross: I made her favorite, tuna salad with pickles.
Joey: Pickle? Pickles make her sick. Giving her pickles is like giving me salad.
Ross: (to Rachel) I-Im sorry Rach, I didnt know. Are you gonna be okay?
Rachel: Yeah, Ill be fine. But could someone please make sure that sandwich is gone when I get out there?
Joey: Im on it! (Takes a bite out of the sandwich.)
Ross: I cant believe this! I shouldnt be the one making her throw up!
Joey: Dude relax! It could happen to anyone.
Ross: Yeah? Not to you, because you know this stuff. I dont know any of it and Im the father. I wish Id be more involved yknow.
Rachel: (entering) Well, if anyone is keeping score, I no longer eat tuna.
Joey: Hey uh, can I, can I talk to you guys for a second?
Rachel: Whats up?
Joey: Uh, sit down. I wanna talk about our situation.
Rachel: (Gasps) Are you breaking up with us?
Joey: The thing is cause I live with Rachel Im here for a lot of the stuff, okay? (To Rachel) And Ross Ross is missing everything. So
Joey: Maybe you two should live together.
Rachel: Are you asking me to move out? Do you not want me here?
Joey: Oh no-no, no-no I love living with you. It just seems that if youre gonna have a roommate, yknow it might as well be the father.
Rachel: But Joey, I dont think Ross wants me to move into his apartment and disrupt his life like that. I mean(Ross turns to her with wishful eyes.)Or he does.
Ross: No I-I-I would love to be around for you and the baby. And we-we can just try it like on a temporary basis.
Rachel: But Ross, its you and me!
Ross: So? Sure! But it-it wouldnt be anything romantic. And Im-Im dating MonaDamnit Mona! I was supposed to meet her like an hour ago! What is wrong with me?!
Joey: All right now, so? What do you think?
Rachel: Living with the father of the baby is a little conventional for us.
Ross: hey, you always have liked my building. And... there's more room, I mean, you could have a closet deicated to shoes.
Rachel: Oh, you do know your audience I dont know. Is it crazy?
Ross: No! No its not. Joey, this is a smart idea.
Joey: Well, I was due.
Rachel: Okay, lets do it. Ill move in.
Ross: Oh Rach thats great. Thats great. (They hug and Joey breathes a sigh of relief.) And you know what, don't worry about any of the moving, I'll take care of everything. In fact, I'll start right now (starts to take his jacket off.)
Joey: Ross, Ross. Mona?
Ross: Unbelievable. (leaves)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is pounding out the hinge pins on the closet door to get it open.]
Chandler: Not to shabby, I got this all off myself using my wifes tools. (He takes the door off the frame and we finally get to see whats behind the green door! It is stacked, floor to ceiling, with junk.) Oh my God!
Monica: (entering) (Gasps) How did you get in there?!
Chandler: (laughs) Youre messy.
Monica: Oh no! You werent supposed to see this!
Chandler: I married Fred Sanford!
Monica: No Chandler, you dont understand! You know how I organise everything? Right, well this is all of the stuff that doesn't fit into any category. So you see, I'm not messy I'm just so organised that... (Chandler starts singing the theme for Sanford and Son, an old TV show starring Redd Fox.) Okay! Okay! Okay! Fine! Now you know. Okay? Im yknow Im sick.
Chandler: No, honey youre not sick! Look, I dont love you because youre organized, I love you in spite of that.
Monica: Really? You promise you wont tell anyone?
Chandler: Yes! And look, now that I know if I got some extra stuff lying around can we, can we share the closet.
Monica: Well its just umm Im afraid you might mess it up.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is drinking a gallon of orange juice as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: So Rachels all moved out huh? How are you taking it?
Joey: Well uh, I wanted to have a few beers, but uh, I got rid of those because Rachel couldnt stand the smell of them. But I have thrown back a lot of orange juice with calcium though. And uh, its a couple weeks past its expiration date, so its got a bit of a kick.
Chandler: Are you okay?
Joey: Are you kidding me? Im great! Yeah, Im uh; Im better than great. I am good. And now that shes gone, I can uh, I can do all this stuff around here that I couldnt do before. Yknow? Like umm, I can walk around naked again. Yknow? I can uh, I can watch porn in the living room. Right? This is uh, this is good for me. Yknow? I like being on my own, Im uh, better off this way. Im uh, a lone wolf. Yknow? A loner. Alone. All alone. Forever. Whats a wolf got to do to get a huh around here?! (Chandler rushes over and hugs him.)
[Scene: Phoebe's Apartment, Phoebe is giving Monica another massage.]
Phoebe: Thats it. Just relax.
Monica: Ohh. Oh! Ohh!
Phoebe: Come on more!
Monica: Oh God!
Phoebe: Yeah, you like that dont you?
Monica: Oh yeah right there!
Phoebe: You want it there? You take it there baby!
Monica: Uh Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah, say my name. Say it! (She stops when she realizes what she’s doing.) And now I’m going to cover you back up, and umm won't be speaking with you for several weeks.