Part I Written by: Greg Malins & Adam Chase
Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
The text in blue are scenes that were originally cut from the original airing of the show.
Added footage text by Matthew G.
[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone is there, except Rachel, quietly reading something except Chandler..]
Chandler: So it seems like this internet thing is going to stay uh?
Monica: It's okay not to talk.
(Rachel enters)
Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!
Monica: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Wow!
Joey: (To Ross) What is the matter with you?!
Phoebe: No! Barry and Mindy.
Joey: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. (To Rachel) Who-whos Barry and Mindy?
Rachel: Barry was the guy that I was almost married and Mindy was my best friend.
Joey: Ohh-oh, wasnt he cheating on you with her?
Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
Monica: Why did they get divorced?
Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isnt that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be?
Ross: I know what you mean, Ive always wondered how different my life would be if-if Id never gotten divorced.
Phoebe: Which time?
Ross: The first time! No seriously, imagine if Carol hadnt realized she was a lesbian.
Joey: (starts to imagine it) I cant. I keep seeing it the good way.
Ross: Id bet Id still be doing my kara-tay. (Thats karate, hes just saying it that way.) Towards the end of our marriage I was doing a lot of kara-tay as a way of releasing the tension from yknow, not doing anything else physical.
Chandler: Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it kara-tay.
Monica: And what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you wouldnt be dating me, thats for sure.
Chandler: Sure I would!
All: (simultaneously) Oh yeah! Come on! Yeah right!
Chandler: What, you guys really think that Im that shallow?
Ross: No, I just think Monica was that fat.
Joey: Hey, imagine if I never got fired off Days Of Our Lives! (Closes his eyes to do so.) Oh-hey, theres Carol again!
Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? Id probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my jobs fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I dont have to wear a tie.
Phoebe: What if I had taken that job at Merrill Lynch?
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Merrill Lynch?
Phoebe: Yeah, I had a massage client who worked there and-and he said I had a knack for stocks.
Rachel: Well why didnt you take the job?
Phoebe: Because at that time you see, I thought everything that rhymed was true. So I thought yknow that if Id work with stocks, Id have to live in a box, and only eat lox, and have a pet fox.
Chandler: Yeaaaah...you don't want that in a broker.
Ross: Hey, do you guys think that if all those things happened, wed still hang out?
Opening Credits
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
[Scene: A newsstand, Ross is standing next to an old lady and reading a magazine. As soon as the old lady leaves, Ross puts the magazine he was reading back and grabs an issue of Busty Ladies and heads to the cashier. Ross sees Rachel.]
Ross: (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green?
Rachel: (gasps) Rob Tillman!
Ross: No-no. Its-its me, Ross!
Rachel: Oh, Im sorry. Ross Tillman.
Ross: No, no-no, Ross Geller.
Rachel: Ohh, of course Monicas brother!
Ross: Yeah. Right.
Rachel: Wow! How are you?!
Ross: Good-good, Im-Im married. (Shows her his ring.)
Rachel: Ohh! Me too!
Ross: Is-isnt it the best?
Rachel: Oh, its the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm hows Monica?
Ross: Oh really, really great! Yeah! A-actually shes right down the street, umm, do-do you know what? You should stop bye and say hi.
Rachel: Ohh, I would love too.
Ross: Yeah? Oh-oh, shed be so excited!
Rachel: Ohh! Okay!
Ross: Come on! (They start to leave.)
Rachel: Oh wait, dont you have to pay for your, (looks at his magazine) Busty Ladies?
Ross: No, its okay. Some-some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I dont
Rachel: (laughs) Oh yeah? Okay.
Ross: (putting the magazine back and holding the money for it) Okay.
Rachel: But! Dont you have to give him his money back?
Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, lets go see Monica!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?
Monica: Hes not boring! Hes just-hes just low key.
Monica's Boyfriend: (returning) Here we go, one Hazelnut Latte. (Hands it to Monica and sits down.)
Monica: Thanks.
Monica's Boyfriend: Yeah. Yknow, the hazelnut actually not a nut, its a seed.
Joey: (not impressed) Wow!!
Monica's Boyfriend: Can anyone else name a well known seed thats been masquerading as a nut?
Joey: Oh dear God, let me think. (Starts to sarcastically think about it.)
Chandler: (entering, depressed) Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Monica: Oh no! Whats the matter?
Chandler: Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic funny."
Monica's Boyfriend: Yknow what honey? I got to get back to the hospital.
Monica: Okay.
Monica's Boyfriend: (kisses her) Okay.
Monica: Bye.
Monica's Boyfriend: Bye-bye. (Gets up to leave.) Oh uh, by the way, the answer is, the Brazil nut. (Exits.)
Chandler: Was his question whats more boring than him? (sarcastically) And nice sweater vest by the way. Pffft.
Monica: Stop it guys. He's sweet.
Joey: Yeah. Yeah. Hey man, look sorry about that Archie thing. Do uh, do you need me to give you some money?
Chandler: Hey, I may have no money, but I still have my pride.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Ehh.
Monica: Maybe Joey doesnt have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right?
Joey: Thats an idea! (To Chandler) Hey, if I hired an assistant, would-would you take money from her?
Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!
Joey: Thats great! That would be great! Lets do that!
Chandler: I could use the money; it could give me time to write.
Joey: Oh right great! Welcome aboard!
Chandler: Okay!
Joey: All right! Now hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I dont need any assistance in there, take a break!
Chandler: All right!
(As Joey goes to the bathroom, Corporate Phoebe enters. Shes wearing a business suit and carrying a briefcase.)
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey Phoebe! Guess what?
Phoebe: What?
Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!
Phoebe: Ohh thats so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, its a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, its okay. Its okay, youre allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
(She hangs up)
Phoebe: Oh what a shame! I really liked her.
(Ross and Rachel enter)
Ross: Hey Mon!
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Mon, look who I ran into! (Gestures towards Rachel.)
Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!
Rachel: Ohh, so do you! Did you lose weight? (Shes not quite sure of that one.)
Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!
Ross: And, and uh, you-you remember my friend Chandler. (Points to him.)
Chandler: Hey.
Rachel: Oh yeah.
Ross: And thats Phoebe over there! (Points to her.)
Phoebe: Hi!
Monica: Oh my God, sit down! Sit down! How long as it been since weve seen each other?
Ross: (answering it) 1987, the day after Christmas, at Sean McMahons party. I played you one of my songs, yknow Interplanetary Courtship Ritual.
Rachel: Oh yeah. Right. So now, aredo you, do you still do music?
Ross: Sometimes, you should come over (Joey returns from the bathroom) sometime! Ill play you one of my other
Rachel: (interrupting him and seeing Joey) Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives, just walked in here!
Monica: Rach, hes a friend of ours.
Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
Chandler: Well its kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that hes not real.
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey-hey, or I could bring my keyboard over here sometime!
Rachel: Hes coming over! Hes coming over!
Monica: (getting up) Joey!
Joey: (holding a plate of what looks like Rice Crispies Treats) I know, here-here!! (Hands her the plate.)
Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Rachel: (giggles and cant look at him) Hi!
Joey: (shaking Rachels hand) Hi!
Rachel: (still not quite able to look at him) Hi! I love you on that show! I watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even though she tired to kill you
Joey: Well, its always nice to meet the fans.
Rachel: Ah!
Joey: (turning and whispering to Monica) Shes not crazy is she?
Monica: No. She's cool.
Joey: (To Rachel) So uh, how you doin?
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Whos this? (Listens) Oh okay, youre gonna like working for me. Whats your name? (Listens) What kind of name is Brendy? I Whatever Stop talking! All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.
Chandler: (starts looking for something) I can't find my pen. Did you eat that too?
Joey: (entering) Hey there you are!
Chandler: Uh-oh, its my boss!
Joey: All right, heres a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work Im delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)
Chandler: (reading the list) Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins. Teach me how to spell vitamins. Wear in my new jeans.
Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are dont you?
Chandler: What?
Monica: Youre his bitch.
Phoebe: (yelling from Monicas room) No-no!! No!!
Monica: (panicked) Oh wait! You didnt just sit on my Kit-Kats did you?!!
Phoebe: No! There-there was a little, a little diff in the market and I lost 13 million dollars.
Chandler: But the Kit-Kats are all right?!
Phoebe: What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! I cant call my office theyll kill me! I cant call my clients theyll kill themselves! Great, now my chest hearts.
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: (louder) My chest hurts! Oh, and now I-I cant breathe.
Chandler: Phoebe, are you having a heart attack?!
Phoebe: Oh, if I were, would-would I have shooting pains up and down my left arm?
Monica: Yes!!
Phoebe: Then yes that is what Im having. (Takes another puff of the cigarette.)
Monica: Oh my God!
(Phoebe puts out her cigarette)
Phoebe: Ok this-this thing (holding on to her arm) is useless, so will you dial 9-1-1 for me? (throws the phone to Monica)
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Ross: Come on Pheebs, its not that bad! Yknow most people would be excited if they didnt have to work for a couple of weeks.
Phoebe: Most people dont like their jobs, I love my job! I have not been working for three hours and Im already going crazy. I miss Joan.
Monica: Honey, having a heart attack is natures way of telling you to slow it down.
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was natures way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But youre not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but youre not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Monica: Lets take a walk. (They start to leave.) Yknow maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)
Phoebe: (To Ross) So whats going on with you?
Ross: Well umm, Ive been doing a lot more of my kara-tay.
Phoebe: Still going through that dry spell with Carol?
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: How long has it been since you had sex?
Ross: Well, last weekend
Phoebe: Oh thats not so bad.
Ross: will be two months
Phoebe: That is.
Ross: since I stopped trying.
Phoebe: Maybe you need to spice things up a little.
Ross: What-what do you mean?
Phoebe: I dont know. You could tie her up, she could tie you up; you could eat stuff off each other
Ross: Oh.
Phoebe: Yknow, dirty talk, ménage à trois, toys
Ross: Wow!
Phoebe: Roll playing You could be the warden; she could be the prisoner. You could be the pirate; she could be the wench!
Ross: Okay, I think I got it.
Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and youre-youre-youre rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybodys watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.
[Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands. Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.]
Monica: Sorry. So hows it going with Joey?
Chandler: Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, "Bring me food." Two is, "Im with a girl, bring us food." Three is, "Im lost and I cant find food."
Monica: Aw sweetie. Is there any food around here?
Joey: (entering) Hey! Is uh, is she gonna be all right?
Monica: Yeah! Shes right in there! (Points to Phoebes room.)
Joey: Oh great. (Starts to go in.) (To Chandler) Hey! Go take off those pants, they look ready!
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is showing Rachel around the set.]
Joey: All right, and over there is Bradys Pub where I like to unwind after a long day of surgeoning.
Rachel: Wow! This is so amazing! What else? What else?
Joey: Well, that is a large piece of television equipment. (Points at a large piece of television equipment as an old man walks by.) And uh that is an old man! Hey old man!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: All righty, what do you say we head back to my place?
Rachel: (laughs) Wow! Umm, yknow, I-I would really love to, but I-I shouldnt.
Joey: Why? (In Drakes voice.) Why cant the world stop turning, just for a moment? Just for us?
Rachel: (awestruck, then not) Isnt that a line from the show?!
Joey: Uh, yeah but uh, (In Drakes voice) I may have said those things before but, I never truly meant them. Until now.
Rachel: Thats a line from the show too!
Joey: Okay, you watch too much TV.
Chandler: (approaching) Here you go Joe, heres the freshly squeezed orange juice you asked for. (Hands it to him.)
Joey: Thanks! (Looks at it.) Yeah, theres pulp in that. (Hands it back.)
Chandler: Yeah?
Joey: I thought we talked about this. I dont like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isnt juice. All juice, okay?
Chandler: Im sorry, I guess I just like the pulp.
Joey: Oh my God, Im sorry, Im being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
Rachel: Yeah sure, iced tea would be great.
Joey: (To Chandler) Iced tea. (Motions him to move along)
Chandler: Okay, anything for you sir?
Joey: (To Rachel) Did I not just tell him?
Rachel: (mouthing it to him) Yes, you did.
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) Youre gonna throw that juice at me, arent ya?
Chandler: Its not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.)
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross is trying to talk to Carol about what Phoebe told him.]
Ross: So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower there.
Carol: Yeah! And maybe someday we could get a place with two bathrooms.
Ross: Look Carol umm, I was, I was thinking maybe uh, maybe we can spice things up a little.
Carol: What do you mean?
Ross: Carol our sex life isits just not working
Ben: (entering) Dad!! (Runs and hugs him.)
Ross: Hey there little fella! Hey, uh-hey, why dont we get some shoes on ya, huh? Hey, why dont you show dad how you can put your shoes on, in your room! Yay!!
Ben: Yay! (Runs off.)
Ross: Yay! (To Carol) Seriously, our sex life I was thinking, maybe I dont know, we could try some-some new things. Yknow? For fun?
Carol: Like what?
Ross: Well I dont know umm, (Pause) what if we were too tie each other up? (Carols shocked and obviously doesnt like that idea.) Umm, some people eat stuff off one another. (Carol doesnt like that idea either.) Nah! Umm, yknow we-we could try dirty talk? (Carol still says no.) Umm, we could, we could have a threesome.
Carol: (quickly) I love that idea!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating breakfast as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Who sold a story to Archie Comics?!
Monica: Oh my God! Thats great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) Youre a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
Chandler: Aww.
Monica: Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out ) My last Kit-Kat bar!
(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica wont let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesnt budge.)
Chandler: You wanna share it?
Monica: Okay!!
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Monica: Its not mayonnaise!!
Joey: Yeah, o-o-o-o-okay anyway, I just wanted to say Im sorry. Here. (Hands him a cup.)
Chandler: Whats this?
Joey: Fresh squeezed orange juice, with pulp! Just the way you like it.
Chandler: Aww, thanks man. (They hug.)
Monica: Hey Joey.. (Both Joey and Chandler are still hugging and they hold up one of their fingers to tell Monica to hold on for a minute.) Hey Joey. Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!
Joey: Oh my God! Thats great! Congratulations! Whats the story?!
Chandler: Oh you wouldnt uh, care. Its just a stupid comic book story.
Joey: Are you kidding me?! I love Archie! And the whole gang!
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesnt want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assistas his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that cant have lumps in them.
Joey: Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that one? Cause I think I read it!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Monica: Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot!
Rachel: Ohh! And Im one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
Monica: You know Rachel, you dont have to use his last name.
Rachel: Oh but Monica. Come on. It's Joey Tribbiani!
Monica: I guess you have to. Well, yknow its none of my business, but arent you married?
Rachel: Yeah. Oh I just wish we could not be married for a little bit! Yknow I just wish we could be like on a break!
Monica: Well, youre not.
Rachel: Oh, its so easy for you I mean, youre not married, you get to have sex with who ever you want!
Monica: Yeah I can! (Laughs) And dont think I dont, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha! (Laughs.)
Rachel: Monica. Youve, youve done it right?
Monica: (giggles) Of course I have! What do you think, Im some 30 year old virgin?
Rachel: Oh my God! Youre a 30 year old virgin!
Monica: Say it louder, I dont think the guy all the way in the back heard you!
Guy All the Way in the Back: Yeah, I heard it.
Monica: Its not like, I havent any opportunities. I mean, yknow, Im just waiting for the perfect guy. Im seeing this guy Roger, all right? Hes not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Yknow, give him my flower.
Rachel: Oh my God!! Do it!! Honey, youve waited long enough!!
Monica: Yknow what? You are right?!
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldnt be all these rules and restrictions! Yknow, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever
Monica: Rachel! Im never gonna think its okay for you to cheat on your husband!
Rachel: Oh what do you know? Virgin!
[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebes room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
Monica: Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?!
Phoebe: Oh yeah, the doctor said that could be one of the side effects.
Monica: Phoebe! Put that cigarette out!
Phoebe: No! Its not a cigarette! The smoke is coming out of me!
Monica: Put it out!!
Phoebe: Okay! Okay! (Puts it out and comes out of the bathroom.) Im so glad youre here.
Ross: Come on. (Helps her into bed as her phone rings.) I got it.
Phoebe: Oh, give it to me.
Ross: I got it!
Phoebe: Give it!
(He does a kara-tay move to silence her, then answers the phone.)
Ross: (on the phone) Hello? (Listens.) No she cant come to the phone right now. (Listens.) Oh, right no problem. Okay, bye-bye. (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: Was it my work? Were they mad? Was it Jack? Did he yell?!
Ross: J-j-just relax, nobody yelled. Jack just was calling to make sure that you were getting better.
Phoebe: Thank God.
Ross: (To Monica) Yeah, shes fired.
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course its a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. Its set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]
Nurse: Youve done all you can Dr. Wesley. You have got to let her go.
Dr. Wesley: Good-bye and God speed, Hope Brady.
(He goes to turn off a machine. Suddenly, Dr. Drake Remoray appears at the door with two cops!)
Dr. Drake Remoray: Not so fast Wesley! (Rachel does a silent clap.)
Dr. Wesley: (with evil dripping off his tongue) Remoray!
Dr. Drake Remoray: Thats right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that, youre not a real doctor! And that womans brain, is fine!
Rachel: (very relived) Oh! Thank God!
[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]
Dr. Drake Remoray: Hope! Hope!
Hope: (sleepily) Drake!
Dr. Drake Remoray: Youre not dying Hope, youre gonna live a long, healthy life. With me.
Hope: Oh Drake.
[Drake and Hope kiss.]
Rachel: Okay! (She picks up the phone, Joeys phone number, and starts to dial.) Here we go! Okay! (On phone.) Hi, Joey! Its Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches.
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Carol is working on something at the table and Ross is reading a newspaper on the couch.]
Ross: So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to find
Carol: Ooh, actually Ive been making a list of all the women I know who might be into doing this!
Ross: Oh. (He takes the notepad she was using and looks at it.) Wow! (Flips to another page.) Huh. (Flips another page.) Boy! (Flips another page.) Well, someones been doing their homework. (Flips two more pages.)
Carol: Yeah. Ooh, and I know Gail Rosten is in there twice, but she is so
Ross: Oh, I know. (Laughs) Yknow, just-just talking about it is getting me kinda
Carol: Oh, me too.
Ross: Yeah? Well, I-I think Bens asleep.
Carol: Oh umm, yknow I think it would be better if we just save it.
Ross: Yeah. Right. Save it. I can do that. (Gets up and does a little kara-tay.)
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe.]
Phoebe: (to Chandler) Why do you always wear that dumb hat? What are you late for your paper route? (In a childish voice) Oh Hi Mr. and Mrs. Jones. Here's your paper. Sorry about the window. Oh..I'm...eh..
(Ross enters)
Ross: Hey, Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey.
Ross: Hey, hows it going?
Phoebe: Well, Ive got to get out of this bed, Im going crazy here. Crazy!
Monica: (handing her a cup) Here you go sweetie.
Phoebe: What the hell is this, herbal tea? I hate herbal tea!
Monica: But, I put some honey in it.
(Phoebe mocks what Monica just said. Ross pulls Chandler aside.)
Ross: She doesnt know she was fired yet, does she?
Chandler: No, the doctors say it may kill her.
Phoebe: What are you two girls whispering about over there?!
Chandler: (To Ross) But I think we should tell her.
Ross: Hey Pheebs, maybe this whole heart attack thing is a sign, that-that you should start think about getting a different job.
Phoebe: Okay, what is this? A stupid contest? Because we got a winner here! (Points at Ross.)
Chandler: Listen Phoebe, hes right. People are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31.
Phoebe: I know! But if I didnt work there, what else would I do?
Monica: Well, you used to like playing the guitar.
Phoebe: Yeah that was lucrative! Smart like your brother!
Chandler: Uh, what about yknow the massage thing? That never gave you a heart attack.
Phoebe: Hmm, pulling in a salary in the high six figures or rubbing gross naked people for chump changeooh, what do I do?! What will I do?!
[Scene: Joey's apartment, (The one he had when he was Dr. Drake Remoray, because he still is.) Rachel is there and admiring the big ceramic fake dog.]
Rachel: Ohh, I mean its just so realistic!
Joey: I know. (Joey is sitting in this tall chair that is made up of balls on polls. Youll have to see it to know what I mean.) Yeah, his name is Pat.
Rachel: Pat the dog. Oh! Oh! I get it!! (Laughs and finishes her drink.)
Joey: (climbing down from his chair) Do you uh, do youready for a refill?
Rachel: Oh, I probably shouldntso I will! (Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! Its like its raining!
Joey: Pretty cool, huh? But if youre thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldnt get sucked up into the mechanism, well youd be wrong.
Rachel: Umm, can I use your bathroom?
Joey: Its uh, right through there. (Points.)
Rachel: Okay. (Starts to go.) God yknow, if someone told me a week ago that I would be peeing in Joey Tribbianis apartment
Joey: Yeah, lifes pretty great isnt it?
Rachel: Yeah, it sure is!
(Suddenly sees a ceramic tiger by the wall near the bathroom.)
Rachel: Oh gee! Oh woo!. (pretends she has claws too and quickly walks off to the bathroom as Joey laughs)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is pouring wine for her boyfriend, Dr. Roger.]
Monica: I hope youre hungry, were starting with oysters. And yknow what they say about oysters, dont you?
Dr. Roger: They have parasites?
Monica: No! Umm well, some people say that Oysters are an aphrodisiac.
Dr. Roger: What people?
Monica: People! People say it! Come here! (She grabs him and kisses him.)
Dr. Roger: So oysters, huh?
Monica: And then were gonna have a little Middle Eastern cous-cous. Something we can eat, with our hands.
Dr. Roger: Yknow, its funny, but when we were studying communicable diseases
Monica: No-no-no, no! Its sensual!
Dr. Roger: Ohh! Didnt know! Okay!
Monica: Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) Ohhh no!
Dr. Roger: Im sorry sweetie, its the hospital. The food looks great, maybe save me some?
Monica: I cant promise anything. (She starts to dig in.)
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross and Carol are waiting anxiously for their new partner to arrive.]
Ross: Were really gonna do this, huh?
Carol: Looks like it.
Ross: Yknow, if, if this is too weird for you, we can still back out at any time (A knock on the door interrupts him.)
Carol: (jumping up to get it) I got it!
Ross: Okay.
Carol: (opening the door) Susan! Hi! (Whod you think it was gonna be?)
Susan: Hey! (They hug.)
Carol: Thank you so much for coming.
Susan: Oh, I wouldnt miss it for the world.
(They start moving towards the bedroom, never taking their eyes off each other. They move past Ross and stop.)
Ross: Im-Im Ross by the way.
Susan: (not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands it to him.) I love what youve done with this space.
Carol: Thank you so much.
(They disappear into the bedroom leaving Ross standing in the living room holding Susans coat.)
Ross: How hot is this?!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are eating Monicas dinner.]
Chandler: Im sorry youre here with me instead of Roger.
Monica: Yeah, me too.
Chandler: Well, I could make it seem like hes here. (Imitates him.) "Heres some little known facts about cous-cous. They didnt add the second cous until 1979." (Mumbles something further.)
Monica: Stop it!! Thats not funny!!
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Im sorry, okay? It justtonight was supposed to be yknow, it was supposed to be a big deal.
Chandler: What was tonight?
Monica: You dont want to know what tonight was.
Chandler: Okay. (Pause.) What was tonight?
Monica: Well, tonight waswas going to be my first time.
Chandler: With Roger? (Monica shyly looks away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica shrugs.) Oh my God!
Monica: All right relax Mr. Ive Had Sex Four Times!
Chandler: Four different women! Ive had sex way more times!
Monica: How many?
Chandler: Nine.
Monica: I was just waiting for the perfect guy.
Chandler: Well good, good for you. You really think that Roger is the perfect guy?
Monica: No. Hes not a horrible guy.
Chandler: Hey thats what I tell girls about me.
Monica: Chandler, Im gonna die a virgin!
Chandler: No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.
Monica: Oh really? When? Do you wanna do it with me?
Chandler: Okay. (They both realize what he just said.)
Monica: I was kidding.
Chandler: So was I.
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel is now three sheets to the wind and Joey is watching her.]
Rachel: Joey, youre such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Joey: Well, with Dr. Drake they always tell me what to say. And with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own.
Rachel: Wow! Tell me something Joey(She falls off the couch)Whoa! I just fell right off the couch there.
Joey: Yeah you did.
Rachel: Okay. (She climbs back onto the couch.)
Joey: Here you go. Let me ask you a question.
Rachel: Yeah?
Joey: When was the last time someone told you just how beautiful you are?
Rachel: Wow! I cant, I cant feel my hands.
Joey: Come, come here.
(He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing the previous question.]
Chandler: We cant do this.
Monica: No! (They both laugh.) Oyster?
Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, yknow? Because youve been waiting a very long time and I wouldnt want to disappoint you.
Monica: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if youre horrible, how would I know?
Chandler: I do like that.
Monica: Its harder for me! I have those four other women to compete with!
Chandler: Well, if it helps there were only three. So it would just be for tonight, right?
Monica: Absolutely! It would just be one friend (Points at Chandler) helping out another friend. (Points at herself.)
Chandler: Stop it! Were doing this! Lets do it!
Monica: Noo!! Okay!!
Chandler: Okay! (They both get up.)
Monica: Umm, do you have any uhh, moves?
Chandler: I have some moves.
Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin there?! (Giggles.) Oh yknow what? Im sorry, this is just too weird.
Chandler: Yeah, lets just forget it.
Monica: What if I turn out the lights? (Runs to shut them off.)
Chandler: Okay!
(She turns out the lights and in the darkened room Chandler starts to moan.)
Chandler: Oh yeah.
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: (sexily) Yeah?
Monica: Thats the couch.
Chandler: I know.
[Scene: Monicas bedroom, she has just lost her flower to Chandler.]
Chandler: Oh my God!
Monica: I know! Ill tell you something, we are gonna do that again!
Chandler: Oh, okay! (He rolls over to do that again.)
[Scene: Joey's apartment, the next morning, Rachel is passed out on the couch.]
Joey: (entering) Morning!
Rachel: (wakes up suddenly and realizes where she is) Oh right.
Joey: Yeah.
Rachel: (groans) Oh God. Oh I cant believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up!
Joey: Well he actually saw you a little bit too.
Rachel: Noo! Oh God we didwe didnt, we didnt uhh
Joey: No! No! No, not after seeing that.
Rachel: God Im just a horrible person.
Joey: Wh-why?
Rachel: Because Im married. Thats right, I am a married woman! And I came to a TV stars apartment to have an affair! Uck!
Joey: Thats ridiculous! Im not a "Star," just a regular famous actor.
Rachel: Yeah and Im a horrible, horrible person.
Joey: Rachel, would you stop saying that?! Hey-hey look, remember on the show when-when Caprice was dying and she gave me
Rachel: The ring from the cave, yeah.
Joey: Wow! Uh okay, well uh (He gets up, opens a drawer, and pulls out the ring.)
Rachel: (seeing the ring and gasping) Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?!
Joey: Sure! As long as they dont find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it.
Rachel: No! No-no-no
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, youve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didnt. And thats what this ring stands for.
Rachel: But I thought that ring stood for Caprices undying love for her brother.
Joey: Look, do you want the ring or not?!
Rachel: Yeah!
[Scene: Phoebes hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the bathroom wearing her robe.]
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Look at you! Youre up!
Joey: All right!
Phoebe: I thought Id try to take a walk. Would you pour me some water? Ill be back soon.
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Youre not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?
Phoebe: No. Ive learned my lesson.
(She goes out into the hall and when shes there and the door is closed; she rips off her robe to reveal her work clothes.)
Phoebe: Lets go! Come on! Move it! (Grabs her coat.) Come on! (To an old man whos holding her shoes and briefcase.) Shoes! Briefcase! (Takes them both.) Thanks Lou, good luck with the gall bladder. (She leaves.)
[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]
Ross: Hey Joe did Did you ever have a threesome?
Joey: (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carols great and Im sure youre a very attractive man, but I .
Ross: No! The reason Im asking is that I sorta had one last night.
Joey: You?
Ross: Yeah!
Joey: Wow!
Ross: Yeah!
Joey: All right! So, was it amazing?
Ross: It was, it was okay.
Joey: Just okayDid you do it right?!
Ross: Look, its just did, did you ever go to a party and think, "Would really anyone miss me if I werent here?"
Joey: Huh. But still Ross, youre worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Yknow what I mean?
Ross: Oh-oh, absolutely!
(They both laugh.)
Ross: Its just, my part seemed to be over pretty quickly and then, and then there was a lot of waiting around.
Joey: But you got to be with both of them, right?
Ross: Not-not really. Th-th-there was just Carol.
Joey: Not the other one?
Ross: No, she kept kicking me away!
Joey: Yeah, you dont want that.
Ross: No!
Joey: Well hey, at least you got to see a lot of stuff, right?
Ross: Oh I a lot of stuff!
Joey: You got a little bored?
Ross: A little. Yeah. I made a snack.
Joey: Yeah? What did ya have?
Ross: Just a sandwich. Turkey, a little mustard
Joey: Sounds good.
Ross: It really was!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is making a sandwich as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night! Oh no wait a minute that was you!
Monica: Hey, check me out, Im a slut!
Chandler: So you uh, want to do something tonight?
Monica: Oh I cant. Dr. Roger is coming over again.
Chandler: Oh. Oh right! Right! Because youre still seeing him and uh, hes a good guy. I mean, I remember a time when (He fakes falling asleep.)
Monica: Are you okay?
Chandler: Yeah! Totally! Totally, and you?
Monica: Great! Its so amazing! I mean, last time Dr. Roger came over, I was so nervous, but then after being with you Im all like, "Can the doctor see me now?"
Chandler: I bet he can.
Monica: Yknow, I dont have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure youre okay?
Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah! Dont worry about me, Ill be fine! (Does a kara-tay move.)
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is returning from her disastrous attempt at an affair to find that Barry was much, much more successful with his.]
Rachel: Ohh! My God! Barry!!
Barry: You-you-you said you were gonna be away all weekend!
Rachel: Oh thats right! Im sorry! I-I am early! Finish! Please!!
[Scene: Phoebes office, she is arriving without the knowledge that shes been fired.]
Phoebe: Surprise! Look whos back!
Arthur: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey!
Arthur: (To another coworker) Call security. (To Phoebe) Pheebs, didnt you get fired?
Phoebe: Uh, I dont think so!
Jack: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Jack!! Hey!
Jack: What are you doing here?
Phoebe: All better! Back to work! Except this clown from research told me I was fired. He should do his research, huh?
Jack: Well, you were fired.
Phoebe: Nu-uh!
Jack: I told that guy who answered your phone.
Phoebe: Oh, okay I didnt get that message. So this doesnt countAnyway, Ill be in my office.
Jack: Uh, Phoebe you-you dont have an office.
Phoebe: Thats all right, Ill work here. This is good, next to this plant. (She picks a place in the lobby next to a plant.)
Jack: (approaches her) Phoebe, listen
Phoebe: Youre in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this company! Okay? I am talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake
Jack: You lost 13 million dollars.
Phoebe: Oh, so this is all about money! Yknow its bad enough thatOw! Oh, you have got to be kidding!
Jack: Are you all right?
Phoebe: Im having another heart attack!
Jack: What?!
Phoebe: Im having another heart attack!! Call 9-1-1!!
Jack: Take it easy. (Sits her down.)
Phoebe: (to Arthur, hes the guy calling 9-1-1) Dumbass!
Woman: Hey Pheebs! Hows it going?!
Phoebe: Well, they fired me and Im having heart attack.
Woman: Wow! Well, welcome back!
Phoebe: Yeah.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Rachel storms in.]
Rachel: Hi Ross!
Ross: Hey Rachel.
Rachel: Is Joey Tribbiani here?
Ross: Umm, no.
Rachel: Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that Im looking for him and that this I am not gonna throw up!
Ross: That-thats always good news. (Rachel agrees with him) Are you okay?
Rachel: Me? Im great! Im fine! Im sooo good!! But, you know whos not great?! Men! Youre a man right Ross?!
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Sit down!
Ross: Okay. (He does so.)
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you were going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbors dog walker?!
Ross: Were sorry.
Rachel: No seriously! Seriously! What has happened to the sanctity of marriage?
Ross: Didnt you spend last night at Joeys?
Rachel: Aw what are you?! A detective?
Ross: Look I-I dont know whats going on with you and your husband and what is hopefully an adult dog walker, look can I just say not all men are like that.
Rachel: Oh. (Doesnt believe it.)
Ross: Hey! There are some men who will do whatever it takes to make their marriage work! Okay? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what only can be described as a twosome with some-some woman she barely knows from the gym!
Rachel: Who are these men?
Ross: Men. I guy I know.
Rachel: Well, you might want to tell him it sounds like his wife is (whispers) gay.
Ross: She is not (Realizes) Shes gay. Oh my God. She is so gay! I cant believe this.
Rachel: Good day for married people huh?
Ross: Im sorry your husband cheated on you.
Rachel: Im sorry your wife is gay. I guess women arent that great either.
Ross: Try telling my wife that.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blowing out a candle as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: (sticking his head in the door) Okay to come in?
Monica: Yeah, come on, eat, whatever you want. Dr. Roger got beeped again.
Chandler: Yeah I know, guess who beeped him?
Monica: What?!
Chandler: Im the ruptured spleen. (Laughs.)
Monica: Why would you do that?
Chandler: Because you shouldnt be with him. (Pause.) You should be with me.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they dont just happen. Yknow? Or at least not to me. And with the other two women, in the morning yknow I was just lying there and I couldnt wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always yknow with a friend.
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: I know you probably dont want to go out with me, yknow because I make too many jokes and Ive never been in a serious relationship and I guess Im not technically a "doctor "
(Monica runs over and kisses him.)
Monica: There was just one woman, wasnt there?
Chandler: No, there were two.
Monica: Including me?
Chandler: Oh yeah.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing a new song as the gang looks on.]
Phoebe: (singing)
It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see
One of them wont do it, but the second one will set you free
Tell all your hate and anger, its time to say good-bye
And that is just what I will do, soon as those bastards I work for die!
La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
End