*Transcriber: Unknown

FADE IN: INT. COFFEE HOUSE – DAY (THE GROUP, MINUS JOEY AND ROSS, IS HANGING OUT. JOEY ENTERS, WITH A BUNCH OF TOUR BOOKS AND MAPS.

JOEY

All right, I got London all figured out.

MONICA

Look at you with all the books.

JOEY

Well, I’m getting excited. I’ve never been out of the country before. Except once. I was in Canada for a few minutes. I was lost.

CHANDLER

But now you know. When you leave Manhattan, it’s a left, not a right, if you’re heading to Fort Lauderdale.

MONICA

(OFF GUIDE BOOK) Ooh, Buckingham Palace.

PHOEBE

You guys have to bring back pictures.

MONICA

(REALIZING) Oh, god, here we are going on about London, and you can’t even go. I’m sorry.

JOEY

(TO PHOEBE) Yeah, sorry.

MONICA

(NOTICING PICTURE) Ooh, Westminster Abbey!

JOEY

Yeah, we’re going to the Abbey.

JOEY/MONICA

(TO PHOEBE) Sorry. Yeah, sorry.

PHOEBE

If you’re so sorry, maybe you shouldn’t go. Stay here. We can hang out. (OFF THEIR LOOKS) I thought so.

MONICA

(TO RACHEL) So, by any chance, have you changed your mind about going to Ross’s Wedding?

RACHEL

No. I just know it’d be too hard.

THE OTHERS

Yeah. That sucks. We’ll miss you.

CHANDLER

I’m sure Ross understands.

RACHEL

No, he doesn’t. He doesn’t know why I can’t go, and I really don’t want to get into that with him.

PHOEBE

What reason did you give him?

RACHEL

I told him I was too busy at work.

PHOEBE

Oh, so you already have a reason. I was gonna say, he always was totally understanding when I told him I was having three babies.

FADE OUT:

ACT ONE

(NIGHT 1) PHOEBE’S LYING ON THE COUCH. RACHEL’S HANGING OUT. MONICA’S BAGS ARE PACKED, AND SHE’S GOING THROUGH HER CARRY-ON. SFX: KNOCK ON DOOR. MONICA OPENS THE DOOR. ROSS ENTERS. AD-LIB HELLOS.

ROSS

I got a cab waiting. You all set?

MONICA

Yep. You got the tickets?

ROSS

(SHOWS THEM) Got ‘em right here.

PHOEBE

I’d come over and hug you, but it’s too hard for me to get up.

ROSS

(STARTS TOWARDS PHOEBE) Oh, then I’ll come hug –

PHOEBE

Bring me that newspaper. Since you happen to be coming over here.

HE TURNS BACK, TAKES THE NEWSPAPER OFF THE KITCHEN TABLE, AND BRINGS IT TO PHOEBE. AS THEY HUG…

PHOEBE (CON’T)

And Mon, I want to hug you, too .

MONICA, WHO’S ABOUT TWO STEPS AWAY, STARTS FOR PHOEBE

PHOEBE (CON’T)

And you may as well bring me my book. It’s on the counter in the guy’s apartment.

MONICA

(NOT PLEASED) You got it.

ROSS

(TO RACHEL) So…

RACHEL

(HUGS HIM) Have fun.

ROSS

Come.

RACHEL

What?

ROSS.

Come. The guys aren’t leaving till tomorrow. You could fly with them.

MONICA ENTERS, WITH PHOEBE’S BOOK.

PHOEBE

Thank you so much.

MONICA STANDS BY WAITING FOR HER HUG.

PHOEBE (CON’T)

(NOTICING) Oh, right.

PHOEBE GIVES HER A CURSORY HUG AND OPEN HER BOOK.

RACHEL

Ross. I told you. I have work.

ROSS

I mean I could understand if this was about us…

RACHEL

Excuse me, "Mr. Center of the Universe." Not everything is about you. This actually happens to be about the fact that I have a very important job. If I’m not there to help them, there’s a lot of rich old people who will be walking around Manhattan with clothes that don’t match.

ROSS

Well, that does sound a lot more important than going to a friend’s wedding. (THEN, CUT TO MONICA) Let’s go.

HE GRABS MONICA’S BAGS. THEY ALL AD-LIB GOODBYES, AND ROSS AND MONICA EXIT. RACHEL WATCHES THEM GO, SAD. PHOEBE REACHES FOR HER DRINK ON THE C0FFE TABLE, BUT SHE CAN’T QUITE REACH IT. SHE LOOKS AT RACHEL.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CHANDLER & JOEY’S APT. – THE NEXT DAY (DAY 2)

(Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, Rachel) JOEY SEES CHANDLER PUT SOMETHING IN HIS LUGGAGE.

JOEY

What’s that?

CHANDLER

Condoms, baby. I didn’t hook up at the last wedding I went to, but I’m not getting discouraged, since that was a lesbian wedding.

JOEY

(LOOKS AT THE BOX) Why’s the writing in Spanish?

CHANDLER

(EMBARRASSED) I did a semester abroad.

PHOEBE AND RACHEL ENTER. AD-LIB HELLOS.

RACHEL

We just come over to wish you guys a good trip.

JOEY

Oh, that’s nice (MOVES A BAG OFF CHAIR.) Here, Phoebe, have a seat.

PHOEBE

Don’t think so. Next place I sit, I sit for a month.

CHANDLER STUFFS A BIG PORCELAIN BOWL INTO A BAG.

CHANDLER

I can’t believe Monica convinced me to bring her wedding gift for her.

RACHEL

(SHOCKED) What? We’re not all getting them something together?

PHOEBE

No. I’m getting them puppets.

SHE PULLS TWO IDENTICAL PIECES OF PLAIN COTTON.

PHOEBE (CON’T)

This is Ross. And this is Emily.

RACHEL

(TO CHANDLER AND JOEY) You guys want to go in on something?

CHANDLER

Sorry. We got them an electric race track.

PHOEBE

That’s not very romantic.

JOEY

Yeah, it is. The cars glow in the dark.

PHOEBE

(IMPRESSED) Ooooh.

RACHEL

This is terrible. What am I gonna get them? It can’t be too meaningful, because he’ll know I care too much.

CHANDLER

Hmm. What kind of message do you think our gifts says?

PHOEBE

That you guys want something to play with when you go to their house.

JOEY

(TO CHANDLER) Great, so we don’t have to put it on the card.

CHANDLER

Well, we should go.

JOEY

London, baby!

THEY PICK UP THEIR BAGS AND HEAD FOR THE DOOR.

INT. ROSSs’s HOTEL SUITE. – THE NEXT DAY. (DAY 3) ROSS IS WITH ALL THE PARENTS. MONICA COMES OVER.

MONICA

So, you’re planning to serve chicken, huh? Salmon’s much more sophisticated.

ROSS

The food is set Monica. We’re having chicken.

EMILY PASSES BY, ON THE PHONE.

EMILY

(ON THE PHONE) No, no, no you’re not getting it. The wedding is this Sunday. (TO THE OTHERS) This florist is driving me mad.

SHE CROSSES AWAY. MONICA CROSSES TO EMILY. ROSS TURNS TO HIS PARENTS.

ROSS

(OFF CHART) What if we sit aunt Susan at this table, and aunt Joan at this table?

JACK GELLER

If a piece of cake can fly that far, you don’t want to risk it.

STEVEN WALTHAM

Look, if there’s a chance of these of these two actually getting in a fight and some bystander getting hurt… (TO HIS WIFE) why don’t we site them next to your brother? (UNDER HIS BREATH) Bloody junkie.

MEANWHILE, EMILY’S ON THE PHONE, WITH MONICA LISTENING.

EMILY

(INTO PHONE) Yes, orchids, roses and marigolds…you can’t do marigolds by Sunday?

MONICA

(LEANS IN) Tulips?

EMILY

(INTO PHONE) Tulips?…Oh, splendid.

MONICA CROSSES TO ROSS.

MONICA

(PROUD) The tulips were my idea.

ANDREA WALTHAM

Well, we have to pick up some guests at the airport. We’ll see you all tonight.

JUDY GELLER

Why don’t we go as well? I’d love to ride the tube.

JACK GELLER

(SHOCKED) Judy! We just met these people.

JUDY GELLER

The tube is what they call their subway, dear.

JACK GELLER

Oh.

THE PARENTS AD-LIB GOODBYES AND EXIT.

EMILY

(HANGS UP) Aargh! (TO MONICA) All right, we have an hour to pick up your brides-maid dress, and on the way we can show you the hall.

MONICA

Oh, great.

EMILY

(TO ROSS) And the flowers will be there Sunday at four.

ROSS

But the caterer needed them there at three. (OFF HER LOOK) You know that. Should we call the caterer? (OFF HER LOOK) You already did. I love you.

EMILY

(ALL BUSINESS) Yes.

AS SHE GOES TO GET HER COAT…SFX: KNOCK ON DOOR. ROSS GETS IT, CHANDLER AND JOEY ENTER.

JOEY

This city is amazing! We took the train from the airport, and a taxi from the train to the hotel!

ROSS

(BEAT) And…?

JOEY

It’s all slightly different from the stuff we have at home!

CHANDLER

(BEAT) No.

JOEY

(TO CHANDLER, BRIGHTLY) Hey, you want to go sightseeing?

CHANDLER

I’m tired. I want to sleep.

JOEY

Too bad. You should have slept on the plane, like I told you to.

CHANDLER

It was hard for me to sleep with you constantly asking the stewardess, "Are we there, yet?"

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. LONDON STREET "A" – A BIT LATER (DAY 3) MONICA, ROSS AND EMILY ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREET.

ROSS

You’re going to love Montgomery Hall..

EMILY

My parents got married there.

MONICA

It must be great if you’re willing to plan a whole wedding in three weeks, just so you can have it there before they tear it down.

ROSS

It really is the most beautiful building you’ll ever see.

THEY TURN THE CORNER AND SEE THAT THE HALL HAS BEEN PARTIALLY DEMOLISHED. ALL THAT REMAINS ARE MOST OF THE FOUR WALL, AND A PILE OF RUBBLE ON THE GROUND.

EMILY

Oh, my god.

ROSS

It’s gone.

AS THEY STAND THERE IN SHOCK , WE…FADE OUT.

FADE IN: EXT. RUBBLE – A FEW MINUTES LATER (DAY 3)

(Monica, Ross, Emily, Construction Worker, Extras)

MONICA IS TALKING WITH A CONSTRUCTION WORKER. ROSS AND EMILY ARE WHERE WE LEFT THEM.

EMILY

I can’t believe it’s gone.

ROSS

(COMFORTING) It’s all right.

EMILY

(FREAKED) How is this all right?

ROSS

(BEAT)Uh-huh, I see that. (THEN) Look, we just gotta keep getting stuff ready for the wedding like we were doing. We’ll find another place.

INT. MONICA & RACHEL’S APT. – SAME TIME (DAY 3)

(Phoebe, Rachel) PHOEBE IS LYING ON THE COUCH, WORKING ON HER GIFT. THEY LOOK A LITTLE MORE LIKE PUPPETS NOW. RACHEL FLIPS THROUGH A CATALOGUE. PHOEBE HOLDS UP THE PUPPETS.

PHOEBE

What do you think? Does this one totally capture Ross?, and does this one totally capture Emily?

RACHEL

They kinda look the same to me.

PHOEBE

(RE: ROSS AND EMILY) I know, these two do look like they could be related, don’t they?

RACHEL

You think they’d like a clock?

PHOEBE

Why don’t you ask them? (HOLDS UP PUPPETS) No, wait, don’t. They don’t have ears yet.

RACHEL FLIPS THROUGH THE CATALOGUE SOME MORE

PHOEBE (CON’T.)

(OFF PUPPETS) You know what I need? Velcro. For the hands and lips, so they can hold hands and kiss. And some here, for the honey moon.

SIGHTSEEING MONTAGE: (Chandler, Joey, Man in Line, Tourist, American # 1, American # 2, American # 3, Taxi Driver, Extras)

EXT. LONDON STREET "B" – THAT DAY (DAY 3)

CHANDLER

I’m exhausted. I don’t want to do anything else.

THEY PASS A GROUP OF PEOPLE WAITING IN LINE.

JOEY

Ooo, let’s do this.

JOEY GETS IN LINE. CHANDLER RELUCTANTLY FOLLOWS.

CHANDLER

What is this?

JOEY

I don’t know. But isn’t it great?

CHANDLER

We’re just standing in a line.

JOEY

No, we’re standing in a queue.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. LONDON STREET "C" - A BIT LATER. CHANDLER AND JOEY ARE STILL IN LINE. JOEY SEES A TOURIST TAKING A PICTURE OF TWO OTHER TOURISTS.

JOEY (CON’T)

(TO GUY WITH CAMERA) Hey, get in that picture. I’ll take one of all of you.

TOURIST.

No, I don’t know them. I’m talking a picture for them.

JOEY BACKS OFF. HE LOOKS OVER AND SEES CHANDLER DRAPED ACROSS A STRANGER’S SHOULDER, ASLEEP.

MAN IN LINE

(TO JOEY) Will you please tell your friend that I’m spoken for?

INT. PUB – A BIT LATER. IT’S PRETTY CROWDED. JOEY AND CHANDLER ENTER.

JOEY

Check it out. An English pub.

CHANDLER

It’s a bar. We have bars in America.

JOEY

(TO PASSERBY) How you doing? Joey Tribbiani, America.

THEY SEE A GROUP OF AMERICANS DRINKING NEARBY.

AMERICAN # 1

TO BARTENDER) Dude, another Bud Light.

AMERICAN # 2

Me, too.

AMERICAN # 3

Three Bud Lights.

JOEY

(SINCERE) Ah, merry old England.

EXT. LONDON MARRIOTT – A BIT LATER. A TAXI PULLS UP IN FRONT.

INT. TAXI – CONTINUOS. CHANDLER AND JOEY ARE IN THE BACK OF THE TAXI. CHANDLER IS ASLEEP. JOEY GIVES THE DRIVER SOME MONEY.

JOEY (CON’T.)

Wake up, Chandler. We’re there.

CHANDLER

Wha-?

JOEY

I can’t believe you. That’s one of the only times you’ll be riding in a London taxi, and you missed the whole experience.

CHANDLER

JOEY

(HADN’T NOTICED) Oh, yeah… AS THE GET OUT AND GO INTO THE MARRIOTT, WE…

INT. DRESS SHOP – SAME TIME (DAY 3), MONICA’S TRYING ON A HER BRIDESMAID DRESS. EMILY IS WITH HER, AND IS EXTREMELY STRESSED OUT. THE SALESLADY IS PINNING IT. AS THE SALESLADY STICKS THE NEXT PIN IN…

MONICA

Ow!

SALESLADY

Sorry. Good thing this dress is red.

EMILY
(TO MONICA) Tell me the truth. Do you hate the dress?

MONICA

(SINCERE) No, I think it looks great. Wedding or no wedding, I’m wearing this thing on Sunday.

EMIL REACTS.

MONICA (CON’T)

I’m kidding. I’m kidding. Of course, there is going to be a wedding.

EMILY

Who knows? I mean any place nice will have been booked for months.

MONICA

Look, worse comes to worse, and you don’t have the wedding right away, is that such a bad thing? (THEN) I just mean, maybe it was meant to happen. Like it was a sign, or something. You know, like, maybe you weren’t supposed to get married in the hall.

EMILY

Or maybe we’re not supposed to get married.

MONICA

Exactly! (THEN) What?

EMILY

You’re right. It’s a sign I have to go.

MONICA

Emily! Wait!

MONICA STARTS TO FOLLOW EMILY, BUT GETS STUCK ON THE PIN THE SALESLADY IS STCKING IN.

MONICA (CON’T)

Ow!

SALESLADY

You deserved that one.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY’S HOTEL ROOM – THAT EVENING (NIGHT 3)

(Chandler, Joey, Monica, Ross) CHANDLER’S COLLAPSED ON HIS BED, BAGS STILL PACKED. JOEY’S UNPACKING.

JOEY

I love London. Check it out. They even put the phone on the left side of the bed instead of the right.

CHANDLER

There’s no rule, Joey.

JOEY

Of course not. They don’t need a rule. This place is all about custom and traditions.

SFX: KNOCK ON DOOR CHANDLER OPENS IT. IT’S MONICA. THE GUYS AD-LIB HELLOS. SHE ENTERS, CONCERNED AND DISTRACTED, AND JUST STANDS THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM.

JOEY (CON’T)

You okay?

MONICA

Uh-huh.

CHANDLER

What’s wrong?

MONICA

I don’t know how it happened.

JOEY

Oh. I know what’s going on. (COMFORTING) It happens to everybody. They have no business putting it there. It’s called a bidet.

MONICA

I think I sorta, kinda…convinced Emily that she shouldn’t marry Ross. I was trying to comfort her. And I don’t think I did. (THEN) Ross is gonna kill me. I’m gonna kill me.

FX: KNOCK ON DOOR. CHANDLER OPENS IT. ROSS ENTERS, UPSET.

ROSS

Emily wants to call off the wedding. She says the building being demolished is a "sign". (THEN) Why would she say something like that?

MONICA

Maybe she talked to someone. Like me.

ROSS
Like some friend of hers who’s single and really bitter about it?

MONICA

(A BIT ANNOYED) No, me. Actually me. She talked to me.

ROSS TURNS AND STARES AT HER. AFTER A TENSE MOMENT…

CHANDLER

I gonna go to the bathroom.

HE EXISTS TO THE BATHROOM.

JOEY

Me, too.

HE, TOO, EXITS TO THE BATHROOM

ROSS

What?

MONICA
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. She was upset about the building, and I told her that you weren’t gonna have marigolds, but maybe you could, you know, if you didn’t have to…rush into it.

ROSS

You told her you thought we were rushing into it? From now on, when you’re thinking something like that…run it by me!

HE STARTS FOR THE DOOR.

MONICA

Where are you going?

ROSS

Emily took her parents to see what’s left of the hall.

HE STARTS FOR THE DOOR. SHE FOLLOWS.

MONICA

I’m coming with you.

THEY EXIT. AFTER A MOMENT, THE BATHROOM DOOR OPENS. CHANDLER AND JOEY WALK OUT.

CHANDLER

Pretty intense.

JOEY

Hey, throw me the remote. Let’s watch some British TV.

CHANDLER TOSSES HIM THE REMOTE.

JOEY (CON’T)

And tonight, we can order some fish and chips from room service. I’m loving this country. I’m telling you, I could live here.

JOEY TURNS ON THE TV. SFX: THE "CHEERS" THEME SONG

CHANDLER

(PLEASANTLY SURPRISED) Hey!

JOEY

They must know there’s Americans staying in this room.

THEY SIT DOWN, EACH ON HI OWN BED, TO WATCH THE SHOW. THE LYRICS START. AS THE SONG CONTINUES, JOEY GETS SADDER AND SADDER. SOON, CHANDLER NOTICES.

CHANDLER

You okay?

JOEY

(NOT CONVINCING) Uh-huh.

INT. MONICA & RACHEL’S APT. – DAY, SAME TIME (DAY 3)

(Phoebe, Rachel) PHOEBE’S LYING ON THE COUCH, WORKING ON THE PUPPETS, WHICH NOW LOOK A LOT MORE LIKE ROSS AND EMILY. SFX: KEY JIGGLING IN LOCK.

PHOEBE

(CALLING) Rachel?!

RACHEL (O. S.)

My key’s stuck.

PHOEBE

I’m coming.

PHOEBE (CON’T)

One Second!

SHE ROCS A LITTLE BIT, TRYING TO GET MOMENTUM TO ROLL OVER. SHE HAS TO ROCK BACK AND FORTH SEVERAL TIMES. JUST AS SHE MANAGES TO ROLL ONTO HER SIDE AND THEN SIT UP, RACHEL ENTERS, CARRYING A SHOPPING BAG.

RACHEL

(CHEER] Wrong key. Don’t get up. (RE: BAG) I found it, The perfect gift.

PHOEBE

Show me, show me. (RE: PUPPETS) But wait, they shouldn’t see it, yet. (Puts them face down) Okay.

RACHEL

(PULLING IT OUT OF BAG) Ta-da!

PHOEBE

(BEAT) What is that?

RACHEL

What does it look like?

PHOEBE

Like some kind of…crystal…tennis ball.

RACHEL

Exactly! It’s expensive, so it’s clear I care. But it has no special significance. (THEN) Think they’ll like it?

PHOEBE

Well… You know what? I just think it’s great that you’re getting them anything. I mean, if I were in love with a guy and he was getting married…

RACHEL

What? I’m not in love with Ross.

PHOEBE

What do you mean?

RACHEL

I’m not in love with him.

PHOEBE

Oh, I get it. (TO ROSS PUPPET) She’s not in love with you. I was just kidding. She didn’t go to your wedding because she has a lot of work to do. (AS ROSS PUPPET) Oh. Okay. That’s what I figured.

RACHEL

I’m not going to the wedding because he’s my ex-boyfriend. It’d be uncomfortable. It’ snot like I’m not going because if I were there, I’d be thinking, "why is he marrying her instead of me?". Or, like, "I should you know, be up there, instead of her." You know`(THEN) Oh, my god. I still love him, don’t I?

PHOEBE

Oh, sweetheart, you didn’t know?

RACHEL

Why didn’t you tell me?

PHOEBE

We thought you knew. It’s so obvious. Or, like, you know, "Monica likes things clean" or "Hey, Joey, you’re gay.".

RACHEL

What?

EXT. RUBBLE- THAT NIGHT (DAY 3) (Monica, Ross, Emily, Steven Waltham, Andrea Waltham) EMILY’S PARENTS ARE SEARCHING THROUGH THE RUBBLE WITH FLASHLIGHTS. MONICA AND ROSS APPROACH.

ROSS

There they are.

MONICA

Okay, now things are gonna work out for you guys.

EMILY’S PARENTS COME OVER. AD-LIB HELLOS.

ROSS

Is Emily here?

STEVEN WALTHAM

She’s around back.

ANDREA WALTHAM

We carved our initials on a wooden beam the night we got married here. We were hoping to find them.

MONICA

Any luck?

STEVEN WALTHAM

No. (SHOWING IT) But we did find a tile from the bathroom counter.

ROSS

Why do you want that?

ANDREA AND STEVEN SHARE AN AWKWARD LOOK.

STEVEN WALTHAM

Mrs. Waltham, uh…sat there once.

ROSS AND MONICA REACT. EMILY COMES OVER.

ANDREA WALTHAM

Well, we’re going to be on our way.

THEY AD-LIB GOODBYES AND EXIT. ROSS APPROACHES EMILY.

ROSS

So, about what happened today…

MONICA

(STEPS FORWARD) Look, yours is probably going to take a lot longer than mine. So, if I could just jump in for a sec. Emily, never listen to me. I’m a stupid, horrible idiot. And I’d make a great sister-in-law. (THEN) Okay.

SHE CROSSES AWAY, BUT STAYS WITHIN EARSHOT.

ROSS

So, still thinking you don’t want to get married?

EMILY

It’s still so rushed. I don’t know what I want.

ROSS
It’s okay. We don’t have to get married.

EMILY)

(PULLED UP SHORT) Oh.

ROSS
We’re only doing this because you want to get married (INDICATING THE PILE OF RUBBLE) here. And I gotta tell you, I don’t know if that’s such a priority anymore.

EMILY SMILES.

ROSS (CON’T)

We can get married five years form now, for all I care. As long as we’re together.

EMILY

You really mean it, don’t you? You’re absolutely positive we’re meant for each other.

ROSS

If I weren’t, I wouldn’t be standing in the rubble of a demolished dance hall three thousands miles from home.

MONICA

(LEANS IN) And neither would I. (THEN) Sorry.

ROSS

It sucks that we can’t get married where you wanted. But I’d marry you right here in this rubble. I’d marry you in whatever is going to built on top of this rubble.

EMILY

I believe it’s to be a sewage treatment plant.

ROSS

Look, I’m just making a point, here. It doesn’t matter. (TAKES HER HAND) This is what matters.

EMILY

Then let’s do it.

ROSS

Yeah?

EMILY

Yeah.

ROSS

All right. First thing tomorrow, we decide on a new place.

EMILY

No. Here. Like you said. We’ll do it in the rubble.

HE SMILES, THEN KISSES HER. THEN…

MONICA

This is going to be so romantic. (TO EMILY) Do you like tall skinny candles, or shorter, fatter ones?

EMILY

(GAZING AT HIM) It doesn’t matter.

SHE KISSES HIM. AS THEY KISS…

MONICA

It kinda does, ‘cause I can get them first thing in the morning.

AS THEY CONTINUE TO KISS, WE…

INT. CHANDLER & JOEY’S HOTEL ROOM – EARLY THE NEXT MORNING (DAY 4) (Chandler, Joey) JOEY’S AWAKE, TOSSING AND TURNING. CHANDLER’S FAST ASLEEP. JOEY GETS UP AND CROSSES TO CHANDLER.

JOEY

(NUDGING HIM) Chandler. Chandler.

CHANDLER

(WAKES UP) Hey.

JOEY

Do you feel…weird at all?

CHANDLER

Uh-huh.

JOEY

You don’t feel something in your stomach?

CHANDLER

Joey, are you homesick?

JOEY

Yeah, I think I just might be.

CHANDLER

Well, what do you want to do?

JOEY

I don’t know. I’d call you at home, but you’re here.

CHANDLER

(THINKS A BEAT) All right. Come with me.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. LONDON STREET "D" - A BIT LATER (DAY 4) (Joey, Chandler, Extras) (CLOSE ON: JOEY’S EXCITED FACE BASKING IN A YELLOW LIGHT. PULL BACK TO REVEAL THAT JOEY AND CHANDLER ARE LOOKING UP AT THE GOLDEN ARCHES OF MCDONALD’S.

CUT TO:

INT. MCDONALD’S – MOMENTS LATER CHANDLER AND JOEY ARE AT THE COUNTER.

CHANDLER

See, just like home.

JOEY

Yeah.

CASHIER HANDS HIM HIS TRAY. JOEY SMILES.

CASHIER

(HEAVY COCKNEY ACCENT) Would you like some vinegar with your ships?

JOEY REACTS, CRESTFALLEN.

JOEY

(TO CHANDLER) It’s not the same at all.

CUT TO:

INT. ROSS’S HOTEL SUITE – SAME TIME (DAY 4) (ROSS AND EMILY ARE IN BED. ROSS IS AWAKE.

ROSS

(GENTLY) Em. Em, are you up?

EMILY

Uh-huh.

SHE ROLLS OVER, TO FACE HIM.

ROSS
We’re getting married tomorrow.

EMILY

(PLEASED) I know.

SHE KISSES HIM.

ROSS
And, you know what? So, they knocked down the hall. Every wedding’s gotta have one ting wrong. Now we know what it is.

AS THEY KISS AGAIN, WE…

INT. MONICA & RACHEL’S APT. – THE NEXT DAY PHOEBE IS LYING ON THE COUCH. RACHEL ENTERS.

RACHEL

I’m going to London.

PHOEBE

What?

RACHEL

Don’t forget to feed their birds.

PHOEBE

What do you mean, you’re going to London?

RACHEL

Ï have to tell Ross I love him. (THEN) You take care. Don’t have the babies till I get back.

SHE BLOWS PHOEBE A KISS AND START FOR THE DOOR.

PHOEBE

But Ross loves Emily.

RACHEL
I know. I just think he should know exactly how I feel. He deserves to have all the information.

PHOEBE

But he’s happy. They’re happy. This is a terrible idea.

PHOEBE TRIES TO GET UP, ROCKING BACK AND FORTH.

PHOEBE (CON’T)

Rachel, wait. Rachel!

RACHEL

Bye.

RACHEL EXISTS. PHOEBE CAN’T GET UP. STILL ROCKING…

PHOEBE

Rachel, don’t go! (TO BELLY, ANGRY) Work with me here!

SHE GIVES UP. THEN…

PHOEBE (CON’T)

(CALLING) Rachel! I need a hug!

FADE IN:

INT. WALTHAM’S RESIDENCE – LONDON/MONICA & RACHEL’S APT. – NIGHT/ DAY (NIGHT 3/DAY 3) (Phoebe, Housekeeper) WE SEE A WALL OF EMILY’S PARENTS’ HOUSE. THERE IS A TELEPHONE. IT RINGS. A HOUSEKEEPER ENTERS AND ANSWERS.

HOUSEKEEPER

Waltham residence.

INTERCUT WITH: INT. MONICA & RACHEL’S APT. – SAME TIME. PHOEBE IS FRANTIC.

PHOEBE

Yes. Is this Emily’s parents’ house?

HOUSEKEEPER

Young lady, that is not how one addresses a person when calling. First one identifies oneself, and then politely asks for the party.

PHOEBE

What?! What are you saying?!

HOUSEKEEPER

Now let’s try this again, shall we?

THE MAID HANGS UP

PHOEBE

Ugh!

PHOEBE HITS REDIAL

HOUSEKEEPER

Waltham residence.

PHOEBE

(WITH ENGLISH ACCENT) yes, hello. This is Phoebe Buffay. I was wondering, please, if there it’s not too much trouble, please, if I might speak with Emily Waltham, please.

HOUSEKEEPER

She’s at the rehearsal dinner. Goodbye.

PHOEBE

No, wait. I’ll be nice. I just need the number for where they are, I just need to tell somebody that somebody realized that they love somebody. And that somebody just left for London to do this really stupid, idiotic thing that could embarrass herself and ruin the whole wedding!

HOUSEKEEPER

I’m afraid I stopped listening at the third "somebody". But thank you for calling.

PHOEBE

Look, lady, if you don’t give me that number, I’m going to come over there and kick your snooty ass all the way to…New Glouken… shire! (THEN) Hello? Hello?

ROSS AND EMILY ARE GREETING PEOPLE AS THEY ARRIVE FOR THE REHEARSAL DINNER. A WOMAN APPROACHES THEM.

EMILY

(SOTTO) My cousin Jane, you met her at my parents house.

ROSS

(SOTTO) Like or don’t like?

EMILY

(SOTTO) Like.

ROSS/EMILY

(GREETING HER WARMLY) Hello. How are you? So glad you could come.

AND OLDER COUPLE APPROACHES THEM.

ROSS

(SOTTO) Uncle Charles and Aunt Elizabeth.

EMILY

(SOTTO) Like or don’t like?

ROSS

(SOTTO) Don’t like.

ROSS/EMILY

(EXACT SAME TONE) Hello. How are you? So glad you could come.

JACK AND JUDY ENTER WITH MONICA. AD-LIB HELLOS.

ROSS

Any trouble getting here?

JACK GELLER

Nah. (THEN) You know that Big Ben’s not so big. We have clocks that big at home. We just don’t make a fuss about it.

MONICA

You don’t need to tell anyone else, Dad.

STEVEN AND ANDREA WALTHAM COME OVER.

STEVEN WALTHAM

Hello, Gellers.

ANDREA WALTHAM

Quite a night.

JUDY GELLER

You did a beautiful job.

STEVEN WALTHAM

On that front, thank you again for going halves on everything with us, It’s really quote generous of you.

JACK GELLER

Forget about it. The hell with tradition. We’re happy to do it.

MEANWHILE, ACROSS THE ROOM, A WAITER IS OFFERING JOEY AND CHANDLER A TRAY OF HORS D’OEUVRES.

JOEY

What’s in it?

WAITER

Goat cheese, watercress and pancetta.

JOEY

(TO CHANDLER, UPSET) That’s not right. Nothing’s good here, I miss real food. Like pigs-in-a-blanket and taquitos. I want to go home. I miss my family. I miss the coffee house. I miss ice.

CHANDLER

Will you please stop whining and try to enjoy yourself?

JOEY STARES AR CHANDLER FOR A BEAT. THEN…

JOEY

(UPSET) You’re different here, too. You’re mean in England.

MEANWHILE, ACROSS THE ROOM, JACK IS STILL TALKING WITH STEVEN WALTHAM.

JACK GELLER

So, anytime you want to settle up, just let me know what my half is.

STEVEN WALTHAM

Actually, I happen to have an accounting right here.

JACK GELLER

Oh, please. I don’t want to hear another word about it.

JACK GIVES HIM A JOVIAL SLAP ON THE BACK. Mr. WALTHAM MOVES OFF. JACK SITS AT A TABLE TO STUDY THE BILL. IT’S SEVERAL PAGES LONG.

JACK GELLER (CON’T)

What the hell…?

MONICA
What’s the matter, Dad?

JACK GELLER

This bill for the wedding. There’s got to be some kind of mistake.

ROSS

You’re probably just confused ‘cause it’s pounds, which means it’s…twice as much in dollars.

JACK GELLER

/READING THE BILL) Re-carpet first floor? New tiles in the guest bath? Landscaping?

EMILY COMES OVER, CONCERNED.

EMILY

Is everything all right?

ROSS

(MOVING HER AWAY) Everything’s fine. I like you hair this way. What do you call it?

EMILY

(BEAT) Up.

HE GIVES HER A KISS AND RETURNS TO HIS PARENTS.

JACK GELLER

Do you know he’s asking us to buy him new patio furniture!? I could use new patio furniture!

JUDY GELLER

Jack, don’t make a scene.

JACK GELLER

I’m not making a scene. He’s making a scene. I’m paying for that scene (THEN) I’m gonna give that son-of-a-bitch a piece of my mind.

ROSS TAKES THE BILL AND STARTS OFF. JACK CALLS AFTER:

JACK GELLER

Ask him what automatic sprinkles have to do with a wedding?!

CUT TO:

(Rachel, Ticket Agent, Person In Line, Extras)

RACHEL IS WAITING IN LINE AT THE CROWDED TICKET COUNTER. SHE TURNS TO THE PERSON IN FRONT OF HER.

RACHEL

Excuse me. Would you mind if I went ahead of you? I have to get to London to tell someone I love him.

PERSON IN LINE

(SEROUS) I’m going to my mother’s funeral.

RACHEL

(TAKEN BACK) Oh, god. I’m sorry. That must be so – (THEN, NOTICING) Ooh, it’s open! It’s open! Go! Go!

SHE SHOVES THE PERSON TOWARD THE OPEN AGENT. ANOTHER AGENT QUICKLY OPENS UP, AND RACHEL RUNS OVER.

TICKET AGENT

(EXTREMELY CHEERFUL) Hello!

RACHEL

(EQUALLY CHEERFULLY) Hello! (THEN, FRANTIC) When is your next flight to London?

TICKET AGENT

There’s one leaving in thirty minutes, but I’m afraid it may be full. There’s another one at eleven.

RACHEL
Please, you’ve got to get me on the first one. I have to get to London to tell someone I love him.

TICKET

(TOUCHED) Aww. Let me see what I can do.

RACHEL

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

TICKET AGENT

(CHECKING COMPUTER) The last-minute fare.

TICKET AGENT (CON’T)

On this ticket is twenty-seven hundred dollars.

RACHEL

Oh. How ‘bout six hundred?

THE TICKET AGENT SHAKES HER HEAD.

RACHEL (CON’T)

Six hundred and these earrings?

TICKET AGENT

They prefer if I don’t barter.

RACHEL

I just don’t have that much left in my credit card.

TICKET AGENT

You can split it with another credit card.

RACHEL

How ‘bout five cards?

RACHEL HANDS OVER FIVE CARDS. THE AGENT STARTS PROCESSING THEM.

TICKET AGENT

I’m just going to need to see your passport.

RACHEL REACTS. OBVIOUSLY SHE’S FORGOTTEN HER PASSPORT.

RACHEL

(CHUMMY) Oh, you don’t need to see that. The picture’s not very good. I have my driver’s license…(WITH A WINK) a twenty?

ON THE TICKET AGENT’S IMPASSIVE STARE, WE…

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT – LONDON – LATER (NIGHT 3)

(ROSS, Steven Waltham, Extras) ROSS APPROACHES MR. WALTHAM WHO’S CHATTING WITH SOME GUESTS.

ROSS

Mr. Waltham? Can I speak with you for a second? (PULLING HIM ASIDE) Um, I happened to glance at that bill you gave my father…

STEVEN WALTHAM

Oh, he shouldn’t have showed you that. Let the parents worry about what it costs.

HE STARTS TO MOVE OFF. ROSS PURSUES HIM.

ROSS

Um, it’s not that I don’t appreciate everything – ‘cause, wow, do I. But there were a couple of items that seemed a smidge…non…wedding-ish.

STEVEN WALTHAM

(NEWS TO HIM) Such as?

ROSS

Well. For instance…this private gym you built.

STEVEN WALTHAM

(JOVIAL) Oh, don’t worry, Ross, you’ll be a member.

ROSS SMILES THINLY AS WE…

(NIGHT 3) Ros, Jack Geller, Extras) ROSS COMES BACK TO HIS DAD. HE’S LOOKING A LITTLE WORN.

ROSS
("DOWN TO BUSINESS") All right. I talked to Waltham.

JACK GELLER

Yeah, what does Sir Winston Rip-Me-Off have to say?

ROSS

He’s not gonna charge you for the gym, the sprinklers, and I’m making real headway on the new black tio for the driveway.

JACK GELLER

Well, I should hope the hell so.

ROSS

But we’re gonna need to meet him in the middle on some of these.

JACK GELLER

Meet in the middle?! If he keeps pushing me, my foot’s gonna meet the middle of his asss!

ROSS

Dad, please. Work with me here.

INT. MONICA & RACHEL’S APT. – A BIT LATER (NIGHT 3)

(Phoebe, Rachel) PHOEBE IS IN A CHAIR. RACHEL BURSTS INTO THE ROOM, CARRYING HER BAGS.

RACHEL

(OUT OF BREATH) Hi, Pheebs.

RACHEL DROPS HER BAGS AND CROSSES TOWARD HER ROOM.

PHOEBE

Oh, thank god, you changed your mind.

RACHEL EXITS INTO HER ROOM.

PHOEBE (CON’T)

(CALLING OFF) I know you love Ross, and you have all these feelings –

RACHEL EMERGES FROM HER BEDROOM, HOLDING HER PASSPORT. SHE PICKS UP HER BAGS, AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.

PHOEBE (CON’T)

Wait, where are you going?

RACHEL

Bye, Pheebs.

RACHEL EXITS. PHOEBE STRUGGLES TO GET UP, BUT FAILS

PHOEBE

Wait! Wait! Wait! (THEN) Uch, why am I always sitting when she does that?!

(Ross, Steven Waltham, Guest, Extras) ROSS AND MR. WALTHAM ARE HUNKERED DOWN AT A TABLE, DEEP IN NEGOTIATIONS. SHIRT SLEEVES ARE ROLLED UP, TIES ARE LOOSENED. MR. WALTHAM IS SMOKING A CIGARETTE. ROSS NURSES A SCOTCH.

ROSS

Forget about the built-in bar-b-que.

STEVEN WALTHAM

All right,, then you’ve got to give me the lawn ornaments.

ROSS

I go back there with lawn ornaments, he’s gonna laugh in my face.

STEVEN WALTHAM

Fine. I’ll eat the lawn ornaments. But I’m not budging on the crown moUlding.

A GUEST PASSES BY.

GUEST

Lovely party.

ROSS/MR. WALTHAM

(TOTALLY PLEASANT) Thank you. Thank you so much.

(NIGHT 3/DAY 3) (Ross, Chandler Monica, Joey, Phoebe, Emily, Steven Waltham, Andrea Waltham, Jack Geller, Judy Geller, Felicity, Extras) EVERYONE HAS FINISHED EATING. CHANDLER STANDS UP AND CLINKS HIS GLASS. EVERYONE QUIETS DOWN.

CHANDLER

Thank you. I’d like to propose toast to Ross and Emily. Now, of course, my big toast is tomorrow night after the wedding,. So this is just my little toast – or my melba toast if you will…

CHANDLER WAITS FOR THE BIG LAUGH. IT DOESN’T COME.

CHANDLER (CONT’D)

Okay, uh, I’ve known Ross for a long time. In fact, I knew him when he was dating his first girlfriend. It looked like things were really going to work out, until one day he over-inflated her.

(NO RESPONSE) Oh, dear god.

MEANWHILE, MRS. WALTHAM’S MOBILE PHONE RINGS,. HE TAKES IT OUT OF HER PURSE.

ANDREA WALTHAM

Hello?

INTERCUT WITH: INT. MONICA & RACHEL’S APT. – SAME TIME.

PHOEBE

Mrs. Waltham, hi. I need to talk to either one of the best men, or Ross’ sister, Monica.

ANDREA WALTHAM

Who is this?

PHOEBE

This is Phoebe, one of Ross’ best friends.

ANDREA WALTHAM

If you’re one of Ross’ best friends, why aren’t you here; at the rehearsal dinner?

PHOEBE
I can’t fly because I’m having my brother’s babies.

ANDREA WALTHAM

Am I on the radio?

PHOEBE

No. Look, I need to talk to them.

ANDREA WALTHAM

Yes, well, we’re in the middle of the toasts. The one they call Chandler is speaking now.

PHOEBE

Ooo, how’s it going?

ANDREA WALTHAM

It’s like watching the Hindenberg explode, except you wish you were on it. Now, I’m afraid I must ring off.

WITH THAT, MRS. WALTHAM HANGS UP, TURNS OFF HER MOBILE PHONE AND DROPS IT IN HER PHONE. PHOEBE IS LEFT HOLDING THE PHONE:

PHOEBE

(FRUSTRATED) The next time England calls me I’m hanging up on it.

END INTERCUT. CHANDLER IS STILL DYING.

CHANDLER

…And I’m sure we’re all very excited to see Ross and Emily get married tomorrow over at Montague Gall. To think, my friend married in Monty Hall. (AGAIN, NOTHING) Come on, Monty Hall?! "Let’s Make A Deal"?! A guy dressed like a big carrot?! (GIVING UP, DISGUSTED) Ah, forget it. Congratulations Ross and Emily.

HE SITS. JOEY STANDS.

JOEY

Hey. Best man number two, Joey Tribbiani. I first met Ross in this coffee house. ..(GETTING A LITTLE MISTY) Yeah, the Perk..(TRAILS OFF, NOSTALGIC) Anyway, he’s become one of my best friends. And Emily, I hope you become one, too. I love you guys. But not as much as I love America!

AN UNBELIEVABLE HOT BRIDESMAID, FELICITY, APPROACHES JOEY.

FELICITY

You’re going home? I was hoping I’d get to know you better.

JOEY

(BEAT, BRIGHTLY) I don’t have to go home. I can stay as long as I want.

ON JOEY’S HAPPY SMILE…

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT – LONDON – A LITTLE LATER (NIGHT 3)

(Ross, Chandler, Monica, Emily, Steven Waltham, Andrea Waltham, Jack Geller, Judy Geller Older guest, Extras) THE REHEARSAL DINNER IS WRAPPING UP. PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO LEAVE: MONICA IS COMFORTING CHANDLER.

MONICA

Hey, it’s not your fault. British people just don’t have a sense of humor.

CHANDLER

Yeah, that whole Monty Python drama.

SHE SQUEEZES HIS HAND, CONSOLING. HE SMILES AT HER.

CHANDLER

So, how are you doing?

MONICA

Ross is getting married and I’m happy. I’m not going to let anything spoil that.

AN OLDER, INTOXICATED GUEST COMES OVER.

OLDER GUEST

(TO MONICA) I just want to say that Ross is a wonderful young man.

MONICA

Oh. Thank you.

OLDER GUEST

My god, you must have been a teenager when you had him.

MONICA’S JAW DROPS AND CHANDLER’S EYES GO WIDE. MEANWHILE, ROSS IS ESCORTING JACK AND MR. WALTHAM OUT.

ROSS

So what do you say we take the wine cellar and stick a pin in it for right now.

JACK GELLER

(REASONABLE) All right, fine.

JACK AND MR. WALTHAM EXIT. AS THEIR WIVES FOLLOW, ROSS TURN TO HIS MOTHER.

ROSS
Two cabs.

MEANWHILE CHANDLER IS STILL WITH MONICA.

CHANDLER

They guy was hammered. There’s no way to look like Ross’ mother.

MONICA

Then why would he say it?!

CHANDLER

Because he’s crazy! He came up to me earlier and thought I was Brian Boitano.

MONICA

(UPSET) My mom’s right. I’m never going to get married.

CHANDLER

That’s ridiculous. You know you’re gonna find someone.

HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER. BEAT. SHE LOOKS AT HIM.

MONICA

I totally can see Brian Boitano.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. AIRPORT TICKET COUNTER – LATER (NIGHT 3) (Rachel, Ticket Agent, Extras) RACHEL IS ABLE TO RUN RIGHT UP TO THE TICKET COUNTER.

RACHEL

Hi, I’m back. Listen, I need to get on that eleven o’clock.

TICKET AGENT

I’m sorry. That plane has already pulled away from the gate.

RACHEL

Okay, you’re just gonna have to call the plane back to pick me up.

TICKET AGENT

I can’t do that.

RACHEL

(CONSPIRATORIALLY) Come on, we’ll just tell them there’s a (AIR QUOTES) "funny smell" in the cabin.

TICKET AGENT

I’m going to have to ask you to step aside, miss. (SMILES AT NEXT CUSTOMER) Hello!

INT. CHANDLER & JOEY’S HOTEL ROOM – LONDON – NEXT MORNING (DAY 4) (Ross, Chandler, Monica) CHANDLER IS IN BED. ROSS BURSTS IN.

ROSS

(BEAMING) I’m getting married today!

CHANDLER
Yeah, you are!

ROSS EXISTS. MONICA POKES HER HEAD OUT FROM UNDER THE COVERS.

MONICA

(FREAKED) Do you think he knew I was here?

FADE OUT.

• ACT FOUR –

INT. CHANDLER & JOEY’S HOTEL ROOM – LONDON – CONTINUOUS. (DAY 4)

CHANDLER

I don’t know.

MONICA

I should really be –

CHANDLER

Absolutely.

SHE STARTS TO GET OUT OF BE. THEN STOPS.

MONICA

Could you not look?

CHANDLER

I don’t wanna look.

JOEY

Phone!

CHANDLER (O.S.)

Shower!

JOEY

Okay! Hey, I hooked up with a girl last night.

CHANDLER (O.S)

I didn’t! Stayed here! Went right to sleep! No girl!

JOEY PICKS UP THE PHONE.

JOEY

Hello?

INTERCUT WITH: INT. MONICA & RACHEL’S APT. – SAME TIME. PHOEBE IS ON THE PHONE.

PHOEBE

Where the hell have you been?

JOEY

Hey. I spent the night out. I met this cute bridesmaid. Oh, man, she is so –

PHOEBE

We have an emergency! Rachel is coming to London!

JOEY

Great!

PHOEBE

No, not great! She’s coming to tell Ross she loves him.

JOEY

But he loves Emily.

PHOEBE

You have to do something!

JOEY

Like what?

PHOEBE

I don’t know. Stop her. Don’t let her wreck the wedding.

JOEY

Okay.

PHOEBE

(INTENSE) So, okay. I’ve done my part. It’s your responsibility now. The burden is off me. Right?

JOEY

Right.

PHOEBE

All right. (THEN, CHATTY) So, tell me about this girl.

INT. AIRPLANE – SAME TIME (DAY 4) (Rachel, Gentleman, Extras) RACHEL IS IN HER SEAT, WAITING TO TAKE OFF. SHE ANXIOUSLY TAPS AND DRUMS. SHE LEAFS THROUGH A MAGAZINE, THEN TOSSES IT ASIDE. SHE SIGHS AND TAPS SOME MORE. THE DROLL; SOPHISTICATED MAN IN THE NEXT SEAT TURNS TO HER.

GENTLEMAN

If you’re planning on doing that for the entire flight, please tell me now, so I can take a sedative. Or, perhaps slip you one.

RACHEL

(STOPPING) I’m sorry. I’m sorry. (BEAT, THEN) It’s just, I’m kinda excited. I’m going to London to tell this guy I love him.

INT. CHANDLER & JOEY’S HOTEL ROOM – A LITTLE LATER (DAY 4) JOEY HANGS UP THE PHONE. CHANDLER EMERGES FROM THE BATHROOM IN A BATHROBE.

JOEY

Have you seen Monica?

CHANDLER

(PANIC) I’m not seeing Monica.

JOEY

We’ve got to find her. Phoebe just called. Rachel’s coming to tell Ross she loves him.

CHANDLER

That’s not good.

JOEY

I know.

CHANDLER

(ON THE EDGE) Friends should not get involved with other friends.

JOEY

Are you okay?

CHANDLER

(QUICKLY COVERING) I’m, uh, homesick.

JOEY

You know what you gotta do? You gotta hook up with a bridesmaid. Oh, wait, the only other bridesmaid is Monica.

CHANDLER STARTS TO LAUGH AND HYPERVENTILATE AT THE SAME TIME.

SCENE Z

INT. AIRPLANE – SAME TIME (DAY 4) (Rachel, Gentleman, Extras) RACHEL IS STILL TALKING TO THE OTHER PASSENGER, DEEP INTO HER STORY.

RACHEL

And I realized all this crazy stuff I’ve been doing – Joshua, and re-upholstering the couch – it’s all just a way of –

THE GENTLEMAN TAKES OFF HIS HEADPHONES

GENTLEMAN

If I may interrupt. I’m afraid I have to agree with you friend Pheebs, this is a terrible plan.

RACHEL

But he’s got to know how I feel.

GENTLEMAN

Why? He loves this Emily. No good can come of this.

RACHEL

Well, I think you’re wrong.

THE GENTLEMAN PUTS HIS HEADPHONES BACK ON AND RETURNS TO IGNORING HER.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MONTAGUE HALL/ANTEROOM – LONDON – THAT NIHGT (NIGHT 4) (Monica, Ross, Joey, Chandler, Rachel, Emily, Jack Geller, Judy Geller, Steven Waltham, Andrea Waltham, Felicity, Extras) THE HALL HAS BEEN TRANSFORMED. FLOWERS AND CANDLES AROUND. TWINKLY LIGHTS HAVE BEEN STRUNG FROM WALL TO WALL. IT’S ABOUT AN HOUR BEFORE THE WEDDING. MONICA, EMILY, AND JUDY ARE MARVELING AT THE ROOM.

JUDY GELLER

It’s like a fairyland.

EMILY

It’s really beautiful, isn’t it?

JOEY COMES OVER.

JOEY

Psst. Monica.

HE PULLS HER ASIDE. JUDY AND EMILY MOVE OFF.

JOEY (CON’T)

We should really start watching out for Rachel. How if I cover the front door, and you watch that big hole at the back of the building.

MONICA

You got it.

JOEY

And I’ve got Chandler guarding Ross.

INT. ANTEROOM – CONTINUOUS . ROSS AND CHANDLER ARE CHECKING THEMSELVES OUT. ROSS IS A LITTLE KEYED UP.

CHANDLER

You look great, man.

ROSS

Thanks. You can’t tell I’m sweating?

CHANDLER

Not at all.

ROSS

What if it gets as bad as last time?

CHANDLER

I put a half a diaper in each pocket, Just slip ‘em in your pits.

ROSS

(PATTING POCKETS) Thanks, man.

INT. MONTAGUE HALL – CONTINUOUS. JOEY’S GUARDING THE DOOR. FELICITY ENTERS.

FELICITY

Hi, Joey.

JOEY

Hey, Felicity.

FELICITY

I thought about you all day.

JOEY

Yeah?

FELICITY

(INTIMATE) Talk New York to me again.

JOEY

Fuggetaboutit.

SHE LIKES THIS.

FELICITY
Ooo.

SHE SQUEALS AND KISSES HIM. THEY DUCK BEHIND A PILLAR.

INT. ANTEROOM – CONTINUOUS. ROSS IS TESTING HIS ARMPITS.

ROSS
(PLEASED) You can’t even feel them.

CHANDLER

I’ll get you some more.

HE EXITS. BEAT TO:

INT. MONTAGUE HALL – CONTINUOUS. JACK AND MR. WALTHAM ARE FACING OFF. THE WIVES ARE NEARBY.

.

JACK GELLER

Not only am I not paying for that wine cellar, now I’m not paying for the crown moulding!

MR. WALTHAM GASPS. EMILY RUNS OUT.

EMILY

What’s going on?

ROSS

Don’t worry, I’ve got everything under control.

STEVEN WALTHAM

You want a piece of me, Geller? You want a piece of me?!

EMILY

(TO ROSS) You know, it doesn’t seem like you do.

ROSS
All right! That’s it! Parents, back away! This is our wedding day!

PARENTS

(COWED) Absolutely. You’re right. Very sorry.

EMILY

What was that about?

ROSS
(COMING CLEAN) Okay, there was a discrepancy over – God, you look beautiful.

MEANWHILE, OVER BY THE DOOR, JOEY IS STILL MAKING OUT WITH FELICITY. THEY ARE UNAWARE AS RACHEL ENTERS. SHE RUSHES PAST THEM. SHE COMES INTO THE MAIN HALL AND SEES ROSS AND EMILY. THEY ARE VERY CLOSE AND HE IS HOLDING HER HANDS, THEY KISS; RACHEL TAKES THIS IN. AFTER A MOMENT, ROSS NOTICES RACHEL.

RACHEL TAKES A BEAT. THEN:

ROSS
Rach? I can’t believe it! What are you doing here?!

RACHEL
I just wanted to be here to say congratulations.

ROSS

I’m so glad.

HE HUGS HERE. EMILY LOOKS ON, PLEASED.

DISSOLVE TO:

(NIGHT 4/DAY 4) (Monica, Phoebe, Rachel, Ross, Chandler, Joey, Emily, Andrea Waltham, Steven Waltham, Jack Geller, Judy Geller, Judge, Felicity, extras) THE CEREMONY IS BEGINNING. MUSIC IS PLAYING. THE LAST PEOPLE FIND THEIR SEATS. ROSS ENTERS FROM THE SIDE AND CROSSES TO THE PODIUM. THE PROCESSIONAL BEGINS. JOEY ENTERS FROM THE BACK WITH THE MAID OF HONOR AND STARTS WALKING DOWN THE AISLE. MRS. WALTHAM’S MOBILE PHONE RINGS. SHE ANSWERS IT.

ANDREA WALTHAM

Hello?

PHOEBE

Hi, it’s Phoebe again.

ANDREA WALTHAM

Why do you keep calling me?

PHOEBE

Can I please, please, please talk to one of the bets men?

ANDREA WALTHAM

Joseph, there’s a girl on the phone for you.

JOEY

(SUPER-CASUAL) Oh, great. (INTO PHONE) Hello?

HE CONTINUES IN THE PROCESSIONAL.

PHOEBE

Joey, it’s Phoebe. What happened? Did you stop Rachel?

JOEY

No, but it’s okay. She just came and gave him a hug. That’s it.

PHOEBE
Nothing got ruined? That’s so great. (THEN) What’s going on now?

JOEY

Okay, I’m walking down the aisle. I better go.

PHOEBE

Wait. Hold up the phone so I can listen.

HE HOLD UP THE PHONE SO SHE CAN HEAR. MEANWHILE, MONICA AND CHANDLER ARE COMING DOWN THE AISLE TOGETHER. THEY ARE JUST AS AWKWARD AS BEFORE.

CHANDLER

What happened last night was…

MONICA

Stupid.

CHANDLER

What ere we thinking? (BEAT) But I’m coming to your room tonight, right?

MONICA

Oh, yeah. Definitely.

THE MUSIC SHIFTS TO THE WEDDING MARCH, AS MR. WALTHAM WALKS EMILY DOWN THE AISLE. ROSS SMILES AT HER. SHE SMILES BACK. THEY REACH THE FRONT AND STOP. AS ROSS APPROACHES, THEM, JACK LOOKS UP AT MR. WALTHAM AND MUTTERS:

JACK GELLER

Not paying for it.

STEVEN WALTHAM

You’re paying for it.

MR. WALTHAM GIVES JACK ONE FINAL DARK LOOK AND THEN SITS DOWN NEXT TO HIS WIFE. ROSS AND EMILY TURN TO THE JUDGE WHO’S OFFICIATING.

JUDGE

Friends, family, we are gathered here to celebrate the joyous union of Ross and Emily. Emily, repeat after me: I, Emily…

EMILY

I, Emily…

JUDGE

Take thee, Ross…

EMILY

Take thee, Ross…

JUDGE

As my lawfully wedded husband in sickness and in health until death parts us…

EMILY

As my lawfully wedded husband in sickness and in health until death parts us…

WE SEE RACHEL TAKE THIS IN.
THE JUDGE TURNS TO ROSS.

JUDGE

Ross, repeat after me: I, Ross…

ROSS

I, Ross…

JUDGE
Take thee, Emily…

ROSS

Take thee, Rachel – Emily –

ROSS CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED. HE SHUTS HIS EYES. EMILY IS SHOCKED.

WE SEE MONICA, JOEY AND CHANDLERS STUNNED REACTIONS. WE SEE RACHEL’S ASTONISHED EXPRESSION.

WE SEE THE WALTHAMS, THE GELLERS, WE SEE PHOEBE GASP AT HOME. FINALLY:

JUDGE:

(TO EMILY, TENTATIVE) Uh, shall I go on?

AS THIS QUESTION HANGS IN THE AIR…

FADE OUT.