OriginAlly written by
Transcribed by: Josh Hodge
With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein.
The text in blue are scenes that were originally cut from the original airing of the show.
Added footage text by Matthew G.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey and Chandler enter with Chandler covering his eyes and Joey leading him.]
Joey: Alright, no peeking. No peeking, no peeking, no
peeking.
Chandler: Alright, alright, but you
better be wearing clothes when I open my eyes.
Joey: Alright open your eyes. [opens his eyes to see two black
leather recliners and a big screen TV]
Chandler: Sweet mother of All that is
good and pure.
Joey:Huh? Days of our Lives picked up my option.
Chandler: Congratulations!
Joey: I know.
Chandler: Now we can finAlly watch Green
Acres the way it was meant to be seen.
Joey:Uh-huh.
Chandler: So uh, which one is mine?
Joey: Whichever one you want, man. Whichever one you want.
[Chandler starts to sit in one of the chairs] Not that one.
Chandler: [sits down] Ohh yes.
Joey:[sits down] Ohh yeah, that's the stuff.
Chandler: [reaches for the footrest
lever] Do we dare?
Joey: We dare.
BOTH: [both extend the footrests] Aaahhhh. [both
recline their chairs] AAAAHHHHHH.
Opening Titles
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's
apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting in their recliners
watching TV. Monica, Ross, and Phoebe are there.]
Phoebe: I can't believe two cows made the
ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch TV with your feet up.
Chandler: Well they were chair-shaped cows. They
never would have survived in the wild.
Ross: This screen is amazing, I mean Dick Van
Dyke is practicAlly life-size.
All: Woah!
Monica: Rose Marie really belongs on a smaller
screen, doesn't she?
[Rachel enters]
Rachel: Hi you guys.
All: Hey.
Rachel: Hey you.
Ross: Hey you. [they stand together in front of
the TV.]
Chandler and Joey: Woah, hey, yo. [Rachel and Ross move]
Rachel: So, uh, how was your day?
Ross: Oh you know, pretty much the usual, uh,
sun shining, birds chirping.
Rachel: Really? Mine too.
Phoebe: Hey cool, mine too.
Ross: [beeper goes off] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got
to get to the museum. So um, I'll see you tonight.
Rachel: OK. [they go to kiss but everyone's
watching so Ross just kisses her on the top of her head and
leaves]
Ross: Bye guys.
All: Bye.
Monica: [walks up to Rachel in front of the TV]
Tonight?
Chandler and Joey: Hey, yo. [they move from out of in front of the TV]
Monica: What's tonight?
Rachel: It is our first official date. Our first
date.
Monica: Uh, hello.
Rachel: Hi.
Monica: Tonight you're supposed to waitress for
me, my catering thing, any of those words trigger anything for
you?
Rachel: God, oh God Monica, I forgot. This is
our first date.
Monica: Yes but my mom got me this job.
Phoebe: OK, I can be a waitress, I can be a
waitress.
Rachel: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you. See Phoebe, Phoebe.
Monica: Really Phoebs? Because, you know, you'd
have to be an actual waitress. This can't be like your 'I can be
a bear cub' thing.
Phoebe: I can be a waitress. OK watch
this. Um, gimme two number ones, 86 the bacon, one Adam and Eve
on a raft and rick'em, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la.
[Scene: Dr. Burke:'s apartment. Dr. Burke:
answers the door for Phoebe and Monica.]
Phoebe: It's James Bond.
Monica: Sorry we're late.
Dr. Burke:: Ah, that's OK, come on in. Um, I'm
sorry, is Monica Geller coming? I was told she was.
Monica: Dr. Burke, it, it's me.
Dr. Burke:: Monica? My God you used to be so. .
. I mean you, you, you, you must have lost like. . . You look
great.
Monica: Thank you. This is my friend Phoebe.
She's gonna be helping me tonight.
Dr. Burke:: Hi Phoebe, nice to meet you. [Phoebe
just giggles when they shake] So, how ya been?
Monica: I've been great, just great. How have
you been? [tilting her head]
Dr. Burke: Oh, well obviously you know Barbara
and I split up, otherwise you wouldn't have done the head tilt.
Monica: The head tilt?
Dr. Burke: Yeah, since the divorce, when anybody
asks me how I am, it's always with a sympathetic head tilt.
[demonstrating] 'How ya doin'? You OK?'
Monica: I'm sorry.
Dr. Burke: No no, it, it's fine, believe me. I
do it too. I always answer with the 'I'm OK' head bob.
[demonstrates] 'I'm OK.' [tilts head] 'You sure?' [bobs head]
'Yeah, I'm fine.' Hey listen, I've got to set up the music. I got
a new CD changer, of course the divorce only left me with 4 CD's
to change.
Monica: [her and Phoebe tilt their heads] Oh,
that's too bad.
Dr. Burke: [bobbing his head] I'll survive.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They're still in their
chairs watching TV. Chandler is ordering a pizza.]
Chandler: Uh, two larges, extra cheese on both.
But listen, don't ring the buzzer for 19, ring 20, Geller-Green,
they'll let you in, OK. If you buzz our door, there's no tip for
you. OK, thanks. Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have
to get up.
Joey: What if we have to pee?
Chandler: I'll cancel the sodas.
[Scene: Dr. Burke:'s apartment. Monica and Dr.
Burke: are in the kitchen.]
Monica: You've got to get back out there, it's
your party.
Dr. Burke: But they're so dull, they're All
opthamologists.
Monica: You're an opthamologist.
Dr. Burke: Only because my parents wanted me to
be, I wanted to be a sherrif.
Phoebe: [entering the kitchen from the party]
That's funny, no. Cadillac, cataract, I get it, no I get it, you
stay out there.
Dr. Burke: See.
Monica: Alright, I'll tell you what. I'll come
get you in 5 minutes with some sort of um, kabob emergency.
Dr. Burke: OK. You better. Oh God, here we go.
Hey wanna see 'em go nuts? Watch this. [grabbing some wine
glasses and opening the door to the party] Who needs glasses?
[everyone laughs]
Phoebe: You are so smitten.
Monica: I am not.
Phoebe: Oh, you are so much the smitten kitten.
You should ask him out.
Monica: Dr. Burke:? I don't
think so. I mean, like, he's a grown up.
Phoebe: So. You two are totally into each other.
Monica: Phoebe, he's a friend of my parents.
He's like 20 years older than me.
Phoebe: OK, so what, you're just never gonna see
him again?
Monica: Not never. I mean, I'm gonna see him
tomorrow at my eye appointment.
Phoebe: Didn't you like, just get your eyes
checked?
Monica: Well yeah, but, you know, uh, 27 is a
dangerous eye age.
Dr. Burke: (sticks his head through the door helplessly) They're picking teams to play Guess My Prescription. Help me!
(Monica laughs)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Rachel are
returning from a movie.]
Rachel: C'mon, I'm not saying it was a
bad movie, I'm just saying, you know, it was a little. . . hard
to follow.
Ross: I told you there was going to be
sub-titles.
Rachel: I know, I just didn't want to wear my
glasses on my first date.
[They start kissing.]
Rachel: Monica.
Ross: It would reAlly help when I'm kissing you
if you didn't shout out my sister's name.
Rachel: Honey, I'm just checking.
Ross: Oh.
Rachel: Monica.
Ross: Mon.
Rachel: Monica.
Ross: Mon.
[They very slowly start walking up
to each other. Since they're alone they
start kissing and Ross's hands work their way down until they're
on Rachel's butt. Rachel starts laughing.]
Ross: What, what.
Rachel: I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry, it's just
that when you moved your hands down to my butt, it was like woah,
Ross's hands are on my butt. Sorry.
Ross: And that's, that's funny why?
Rachel: Well it's not, honey I'm sorry, I guess
I'm just nervous. I mean, it's you, ya know, it's us. I mean,
we're cRossing that line, sort of a big thing.
Ross: I, I know it's big, I just didn't know it
was uh, ha-ha big.
Rachel: OK. [start kissing again and Rachel
starts laughing again]
Ross: OK, my hands were no where near your butt.
Rachel: I know, I know, I know, I know. I was
just thinking about when they were there the last time, I'm
sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. OK, OK, look, woah, I promise, I'm
good, I'm not gonna laugh anymore. OK put your hands back there.
Ross: No see now, now I can't because uh, I'm
feeling too self conscious.
Rachel: Come on touch my butt.
Ross: No!
Rachel: Just one cheek.
Ross: Nuh, uh, the moment's gone.
Rachel: Alright, just put your hands out and
I'll back up into them.
Ross: That's romantic.
Rachel: C'mon touch it.
Ross: No.
Rachel: Oh, come on squeeze it.
Ross: No.
Rachel: Rub it.
Ross: No.
Rachel: Oh, come on, would you just grab my
ass!!!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are watching a
Miracle Wax info-mercial.]
Joey: Wow, look at that. The car is on fire, yet somehow it's
expensive paint job is protected by the Miracle Wax.
Chandler: You got a Cheeto on your face
man.[Joey removes the Cheeto and eats it]
[Ross enters]
Joey: Hi.
Chandler and Joey: Hey.
Joey: What're you doin' here? Aren't you supposed to be out
with Rachel?
Ross: That was 14 hours ago.
Joey: (To
Chandler) Woah. We have to set the clock on this thing.
(referring to the tv)
Chandler: So how'd it go?
Ross: Oh. Listen, have you ever been uh, you
know, foolin' around with a girl and uh, she started laughin'?
Chandler: Yeah, but uh, it was 1982 and my flock
of seagulls haircut was tickling her chin.
Joey: She laughed at you?
Ross: Yeah. It could have been worse. I could have been naked. (They
all laugh) I mean I just..I don't know,
I've been wanting this since like ninth grade typing, ya know.
And I just want it to be perfect and right and. . . why isn't
that laser beam cutting through the paint?
Chandler: It's the Miracle Wax.
Joey: It certainly is a miracle.
[Rachel enters]
Rachel: Hi you guys.
Chandler and
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hi. Listen, I was um, thinkin' about. .
.
Chandler: Listen can you guys uh, speak up, it's
harder for us to hear you when you lower your voice.
Rachel: Hallway?
Ross: Yeah.
[They go out into the hallway.]
Rachel: OK, listen, I'm sorry about last
night and I reAlly want to make it up to you.
Ross: No, you, ya know there's no need to make
it u. . . how?
Rachel: Well, I was thinking maybe a um, a
romantic dinner with um, candles and wine and then uh, maybe
going back to my place for um, dessert.
Ross: Humm, that sounds, I don't, perfect.
[there's a loud bang at the door so Ross opens it back up to find
a shoe has been thrown at it]
Rachel: What's this.
Chandler: Could you get us a couple of beers?
[Scene: Dr. Burke:'s office. Monica is there for
her eye appointment.]
Dr. Burke: I'm going to look into your eyes now.
Monica: Really?
Dr. Burke: Yeah, that's my job. Alright, look
up. . . look down, now open your eyes, now look down. That's
right, look into the light. Now look at me. . . OK. Your eyes
look good. Those are good eyes.
Monica: Good, they feel good, in my head.
Dr. Burke: So, it's great to see ya.
Monica: You too.
Dr. Burke: You too.
Monica: OK, um. Goodbye.
Dr. Burke: Drops!
Monica: What?
Dr. Burke: Drops. Here, they're free.
Monica: Thanks. So, I guess I better be going.
Dr. Burke: Oh, OK, yeah. I'll see ya later.
Monica: Thanks again.
[He kisses her on the cheek, she returns the kiss, then they
embrace in a full on kiss]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They're still watching TV.
Phoebe stands in front of the TV.]
Phoebe: We have got to get you lazy boys out of
these chairs.
Chandler and
Joey: Hey, woah, hey, woah.
Phoebe: You know you should go outside
and be with the three-dimensional people.
Joey: No, inside good, outside bad.
Phoebe: You guys are so pathetic, I, oh, OH,
XANADU! OH.
Chandler: She's one of us now.
[Rachel and Ross enter]
Rachel: Hi you guys.
Ross: Hey.
Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe: Hey.
Ross: Well we just wanted to stop by and uh, say
goodnight.
Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe: Goodnight.
Ross: Look at that, they won't even turn their
heads.
Rachel: Alright you guys, I'm takin' off my
shirt.
Joey: [uses a dentist mirror to see] Naa, she's lyin'.
[Monica enters carrying food that's been delivered]
Monica: Stop sending food to our
apartment.
Ross: Well, why're you All dressed up?
Phoebe: You're not the only one who has a date
tonight.
Ross: What? You have a date? Who with?
Monica: No one.
Ross: C'mon, what's his name?
Monica: Nothing.
Ross: Come on, tell me.
Monica: Alright, but I'm very excited about this
OK, so you gotta promise you won't get All big-brothery and
judgmental.
Ross: Oh, I promise, what.
Monica: It's Richard Burke.
Ross: Who's Richard Burke? Doc, Doctor Burke?
You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should that
bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a uh, brother to dad.
Monica: Here we go
Ross: No, I think it's great that he's like 50. I mean
uh..he'll be an inspiration to men who are almost retired all
over the world.
Monica: Well for your information he
happens to be one of the brightest, most sophisticated, sexiest
men I've ever been with.
Ross: Doctor Burke is sexy?
Rachel and Phoebe: Oh God, absolutely.
Ross: [his beeper goes off] It's the museum
again, can I, oh.
Rachel: Ya know, Dr. Burke:
kissed me once.
Monica: When?
Rachel: When I was um, 7, I crashed my bike
right out in front of his house and to stop me from crying he
kissed me right here. [points to the tip of her nose]
Phoebe: Oh you are so lucky.
Rachel: I know.
Ross: [on the phone] Woah, woah, woah
australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display. No. No.
No, n, homo-habilus was erect, australopithicus was never fully
erect.
Chandler: Well maybe he was nervous.
[Scene: Museum of Natural History. Ross is fixing a display,
Rachel is waiting patiently.]
Ross: Oh look, I can't believe this. Look,
homo-habilus hasn't even learned how to use tools yet and they've
got him here wi, with clay pots. Why don't, why don't they just
give him a microwave?
Rachel: Well clearly honey, he'd have no place to plug it in. (laughs while Ross glares at her) Sorry.
Ross: I'm sorry, I'm
sorry this is taking so long, ya know, I, I, it's just it's
longer than I expected, we will have dinner.
Rachel: It's OK, it's fine.
Ross: KARL!
[Ross leaves to find Karl. Rachel takes a peek under the
loincloth of one of the display models. She's suprised what she
sees.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Dr. Burke:
are sitting on the couch. He's showing her the pictures in his
wallet.]
Monica: Wow, is that Michelle?
Dr. Burke: Yep.
Monica: I've not seen her since high school
graduation. Oh my God, that night she got so dru. . . motional.
Dr. Burke: Ya know, she's having another baby.
Monica: I thought she just had one.
Dr. Burke: No no. Henry's almost two and he's
talking and everything. Here. You know, the other day he told me
he liked me better than his other grandpa. Now in All fairness
his other grandpa's a drunk but still. . .
Monica: Oh, you're a grandpa.
Dr. Burke: Yeah. Are we nuts here?
Monica: I don't know, maybe. I mean I'm dating a
man who's pool I once peed in.
Dr. Burke:: I didn't need to know that. I guess
21 years is a lot. I mean, hell, I'm a whole person who can drink
older than you.
Monica: Yeah.
Dr. Burke: So.
Monica: So maybe we should just. . .
Dr. Burke: Yeah, yeah, maybe.
Monica: Wow, this really sucks.
Dr. Burke: Yeah, it sure does. [they hug and it
turns into a passionate kiss]
Monica: Well, we don't reAlly have to decide
anything right now, do we?
Dr. Burke: No, no, there's no rush or anything.
[knock at the door]
Delivery Guy: Pizza delivery.
Monica: Oh, I'm gonna kill those guys.
[Scene: Museum of Natural History. Ross enters the display where
Rachel is waiting.]
Ross: Rach.
Rachel: Oh.
Ross: I'm done.
Rachel: Yeah well, you know what, so is uh,
Sorentino's.
Ross: Wha, OK, I'm sorry, let's uh, why don't we
find someplace else.
Rachel: No, you know what, it's late,
everything's gonna be closed. Why don't we just do it another
night?
Ross: No, no, we won't.
Rachel: We won't?
Ross: [grabs a fur pelt] C'mon.
Rachel: OK, that's dead right?
[Scene: The museum planetarium. Ross and Rachel enter on stage.]
Rachel: What is this? What are we doing?
Ross: Shh. Do you want cran-apple or cran-grape?
Rachel: Grape.
Ross: [spreads the pelt on the floor] OK, now,
sit. OK. [he starts the music system]
Rachel: Oh, God.
[The stereo system booms out 'Billions of years ago. . .'. Ross
gets up and changes it to music.]
Ross: Sorry.
Rachel: Ah, so what are we looking at?
Ross: Well uh, you see that, that little cluster
of stars next to the big one? That is Ursa Major.
Rachel: Really?
Ross: I've
no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight.
Rachel: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and
I don't just mean tonight. [they kiss]
Ross: You're not laughing.
Rachel: This time it's not so funny.
[They kiss and start undressing. As Rachel tries to pull off
Ross's tie she catches it in his mouth.
Ross: Loosen the knot. Loosen the knot.
[Then they roll across the fur
rug.]
Rachel: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's
OK.
Ross: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the
juice box.
Rachel: Oh, thank God.
[Scene: Museum of Natural History. The next morning Rachel and
Ross are sleeping in the display under a fur.]
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Hi you. I can't believe I'm waking up
next to you.
Ross: I know it is pretty unbelievaaaaah.
Rachel: What?
Ross: We're not alone. [A church youth group is
outside the display watching them]
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's
apartment. They are still in their chairs, watching Beavis and
Butthead.]
[they're laughing along with the show when an alarm goes off]
Joey: Is that the fire alarm?
Chandler: Yeah. [feels the floor] Oh it's
not warm yet, we still have time.
Joey: Cool.
END