Originally written by Michael: Borkow
Transcribed by Josh
Hodge
Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.
The text in blue are scenes that were originally cut from the original airing of the show.
Added footage text by Matthew G.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's
apartment. Everyone is sitting at the couches, Chandler enters.]
Chandler: OK, what is it about me? Do I not look fun enough? Is
there something. . . repellant. . . about me?
Rachel: So, how was the party?
Chandler: Well it couldn't have been worse. A woman literally
passed through me. OK, so what is it, am I hideously
unattractive?
Phoebe: No, you are not, you are very attractive. You know what,
I go through the exact same thing. Every time I put on a little
weight, I start questioning everything.
Chandler: Woah, woah, I've put on a little weight?
Phoebe: No, not wieght... y'know, more like insulation.
Monica: Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project.
Ya wanna work out? I can remake you.
Chandler: Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of
my lying around time.
Monica: Please.
All: C'mon. Let her. Yeah.
Chandler: Alright, OK, alright. But if we put on spandex and my
boobs are bigger than yours, I'm goin' home.
Phoebe: Your boobs are fine. Look, I never should have said
anything. Come here. Come here. [hugs Chandler but holds her
hands apart behind his back] Oh, can't make.... hands... meet....
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Hallway between the apartments. Chandler comes out
wearing spandex, jogging in place. Monica is there.]
Chandler: OK, let's do it. [Monica looks at him funny] What?
Monica: Nothing, just never seen you in little stretchy pants
before. It's cute!
Chandler: And we're changing. [jogs back in his apartment]
[Cut to the city street. Monica and Chandler are jogging.
Chandler is lagging behind so he hops in a cab and takes off,
leaving Monica behind]
[Scene: Back in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler is doing
situps.]
Monica: C'mon give me five more. Five more.
Chandler: [weakly] No.
Monica: Five more and I'll flash you.
Chandler: One. . . two. . . two and a half. OK, just show me one
of them.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch.
Rachel is working.]
Chandler: [slowly lifts coffee cup to his mouth] Ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow. [slowly sets the cup back down] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
[Joey intercepts the cup and puts it down for him]. She's insane,
the woman is insane. It's before work, it's after work, it's
during work. She's got me doing butt clenches at my desk. And
now, they won't bring me my mail anymore.
Joey: Just tell her you wanna stop.
Chandler:
I can't ok? While she is out of work, I'm all she's got. That's
why I was thinking maybe we can all pitch in and buy her her own
restaurant.
[Phoebe enters.]
Rachel: Hey Phoebs, how'd it go with Scott last night?
Phoebe: Oh, um, it was nice. Took him to a romantic restraunt,
ordered champagne, nice.
Joey: The guy still won't put out, huh?
Phoebe: Nope. Zilch, nothin', uh-uh.
ALL: Sorry Phoebs.
Phoebe: Look, I, y'know, I don't mind taking it slow, I like him
a lot, y'know he's really interesting and he's really sweet and
why won't he give it up?
Joey: Maybe he, uhh... drives his car on the other side of the
road, if ya know what I mean.
Phoebe: No, whad'ya mean? He's not British.
Joey: Maybe he's. . . gay.
Phoebe: Oohh, um, no, I don't think that's the problem. 'Cause we
went, um, dancing the other night and the way he held me so
close, and the way he was looking into my eyes I just like...
definitely felt something.
Rachel: Yeah, but how much can you tell from a look?
Phoebe: No, I felt it on my hip. You could tell.
[Monica enters.]
Monica: [to Chandler] Yo, Bing. Racquetball in 20 minutes.
Chandler: Joey, be a pal. Lift up my hand and smack her with it.
Phoebe: [seeing Ross kissing Julie outside the window] Ooh, oh,
Rachel, don't look.
Rachel: What? [looks, feigns indifference] C'mon you guys, I
don't care, I have a date tonight.
Joey: Woah, woah, woah, you have a date?
Rachel: Yeah, Monica's settin' me up.
Joey: But uh, uh, what about uh, Ross and uh. . .?
Rachel: Oh what, my whole insane jealousy thing? Well, y'know, as
much fun as that was, I've decided to opt for sanity.
Chandler: So you really OK about all this?
Rachel: Oh yeah, c'mon, I'm movin' on. He can press her up
against that window as much as he wants. For all I care, he can
throw her through the damn thing.
[Ross and Julie enter.]
Ross: Hi guys.
ALL: Hey.
Ross: Oh, Monica, I figured I'd come by tomorrow morning and pick
up Fluffy's old cat toy, OK?
Monica: Only if you say his full name.
Ross: [reluctantly] Can I come over tomorrow and pick up Fluffy
Meowington's cat toy.
Monica: Alright.
Joey: [to Ross] You're getting a cat?
Ross: Uh, actually, we're getting a cat.
Rachel: Together?
Ross: Uh huh.
Rachel: Both of you?
Ross: Yep.
Rachel: Together.
JULIE: Yeah, we figure it'll live with Ross half the time, and
with me half the time.
Rachel: Ohh, well, isn't that just lovely. That's something the
two of you will be able to enjoy for a really, really, really,
really, really long time.
Ross: Hopefully.
Rachel: Well. [looks at watch] Woah, look at that! I gotta go, I
gotta date. With a man. Um, OK, you guys have a really, uh, have
a really good night and you two have a, uh, have a, uh, really
good cat. [she leaves carrying her tray then comes back in] OK,
we're not supposed to take these when we leave.
[Scene: A nice restraunt. Rachel is on her date with Michael:.]
Michael: I don't know if Monica told you but this is the first
date I've gone on since my divorce so, if I seem a little
nervous, I am.
Rachel: [distracted] How long do cats live?
Michael: [confused] I'm sorry?
Rachel: Cats, how long do they live figuring you don't... y'know,
throw 'em under a bus or something?
Michael: Um, maybe 15, 16 years.
Rachel: That's just great. [she picks up her champagne and starts
drinking]
Michael: Um, cheers.
Rachel: Oh, right, clink. [downs her glass]
Michael: Monica told you I was cuter that this, didn't she?
Rachel: Oh, no, Michael:, it's not you. I'm sorry, it's just,
it's this thing. It's probably not as bad as it sounds but this
friend of mine is, is getting a cat with his girlfriend.
Michael: Oh, that does sound. . .Ahh.
Rachel: I mean he just started going out with her.
Michael: Is this guy, uhh, an old boyfriend?
Rachel: Ah, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, he wishes. Oh, I'm sorry, look
at me. OK, Michael:, let's talk about you.
Michael: Alright.
Rachel: OK, OK. So, you ever get a pet with a girlfriend?
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch.]
Phoebe: So, I figured it out.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. It's 'cause I'm
not sexy enough.
Joey: Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I
said to Chandler? I said, "Excellent butt, great rack."
Phoebe: Really? That's so sweet. I mean, I'm officially offended
but, sweet.
Joey: Phoebs look, if you want to know what the deal is, you're
just gonna have to ask him.
Phoebe: You're right, you're right. Ah, you are so yumm. [they
hug]
[Outside the window, Monica and Chandler jog up. Monica playfully
pushes him. They start puching and slapping harder and harder
until Monica pushes him down. Chandler stands up, with a serious
expression, and chases her away.]
[Scene: Back in the restraunt. Rachel pours the last of the
champange bottle in her glass.]
Rachel: [obviously drunk] I mean, it's a cat, y'know, it's a cat.
Why can't they get one of those bugs, y'know, one of those
fruitflies, those things that live for like a day or something?
[belligerently] What're they called, what're they called, what're
they called?
Michael: Fruitflies?
Rachel: Yes! Thank you.
[The waiter comes to the table.]
WAITER: So, would you like any dessert?
Michael: No! No dessert, just a check, please.
Rachel: Oh, you're not having fun, are you?
Michael: No, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a
half I've been playing the movie Diner in my head.
Rachel: Oh, look at me, look at me. Oh, I'm on a date with a
really great guy, all I can think about is Ross and his cat and
his... Julie.
Michael:: Look do you want a piece of pie or something?
Rachel: No! Ah! It's too late for that man. I
have just screwed this all up. I just want
to get over him. gosh, why can't I do that?
Michael: Oy. Look, I've been through a divorce, trust me you're
gonna be fine. You just can't see it now because you haven't had
any closure.
Rachel: Yeah! Closure. That's what it is, that's what I need.
God, you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? How do I get
that?
Michael: Well, you know, there's no one way really, it's just,
you know, whatever it takes so that you can finally say to him,
"I'm over you."
Rachel: Closure, that's what it is. Closure. [she looks around
the restaurant, spotting a guy with a cellular phone] Hello,
excuse me. Excuse me, hel. . . woo [she almost falls out of her
chair]
GUY: Hang on.
Rachel: Hello, excuse me.
GUY: What.
Rachel: Hi, I'm sorry, I need to borrow your phone for just one
minute.
GUY: I'm talkin'!
Rachel: I can see that. I... just one phone call, I'll be very
quick, I'll even pay for it myself. [man is still reluctant] OK,
you're bein' a little weird about your phone.
GUY: Alright, fine. [on the phone] I'll call you back. [hands the
phone to her]
Rachel: Thank you. (To
Michael in a drunk way) I am so good with people. OK. [dials] Machine. Just waiting for the beep.
Michael: Good.
RACHEL: [on phone] Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say
that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your
cat who, by the way, I think you should name Michael:. And, you
know, ya see there I'm thinking of names so obviously, I am over
you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call
closure. [hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is answering the
door in his robe.]
Chandler: No, no, no, no, no, no [opens door to Monica] No.
Monica, it's Sunday morning. I'm not running on a Sunday.
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because it's Sunday. It's God's day.
Monica: OK, if you say stop, then we stop.
Chandler: OK, stop.
Monica: No, c'mon, we can't stop, c'mon, we've got three more
pounds to go. I am the energy train and you are on board.
Woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo [Chandler walks out of the apartment,
leaving Monica] Woo.
[Scene: Rachel and Monica's apartment. Rachel is taking asprin.
Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey Rach.
Rachel: Ahhhh.
Ross: Oh. And how was the date?
Rachel: Umm, I think there was a restaurant... I know there was
wine. . .
[Rachel looks at Ross as though she remembers something, but
can't place what it is.]
Ross: Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie's
downstairs getting a cab, I just need the cat toy, did Monica
say. . . What? Why, why are you looking at me like that?
Rachel: I don't know, I, I feel like I had a dream about you last
night but I, I don't remember.
Ross: OK. Oh, oh, oh. [runs over and picks up the cat toy]
Rachel: Did we speak on the phone last night? Did you call me?
Ross: No, I stayed at Julie's last night.
Rachel: Huh.
Ross: Oh, actually I haven't even been home yet. Do you mind if I
check my messages?
Rachel: Oh yeah, go ahead. [Rachel walks in her room. Ross picks
up the phone and dials his machine to check his messages.]
Ross: Rach, I got a message from you. [pauses] Who's Michael:?
[Rachel comes out of her room, suddenly she remembers leaving the
message.]
Rachel: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up
the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the
phone, give me the. . . [jumps the couch and lands on Ross's
back, finally getting the phone from him. Ross has a confused
expression on his face.]
Ross: You're over me?
Rachel: Ohhhhhhhh God. [climbs off his back]
Ross: Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me?
Rachel: Ohh, ohh.
Ross: When, when were you... under me? Rach. Rachel do you, I
mean, were you, uh. . . What?
Rachel: Ohh, OK, OK, OK, well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've
uh, sort of had feelings for you.
Ross: You've had feelings for me?
Rachel: Yeah, what, so? You had feelings for me first.
Ross: Woah. Huh. You know about my, I mean, you know I had... you
know?
Rachel: Chandler told me.
Ross: Chandler. When did he... when did he... when did he?
Rachel: When you were in China.
Ross: China.
Rachel: Meeting Julie.
Ross: Julie. Julie. That. Oh God. Julie, right. OK, I need to lie
down. No, ya know, I'm gonna stand. I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna
walk, I'm walkin' and I am standing. OK so you uh, and now wha...
and now, now, now you're over me?
Rachel: Are you over me?
[A moment of silence.]
Ross: [doorbell buzzes] That's, that's Julie. Ju... Julie, Julie.
[talks on intercom] Hi Julie.
JULIE: [over intercom] Hi honey, I've got a cab waiting.
Ross: [perky] I'll be right down.
Rachel: Wait, so, you're going?
Ross: Well, OK, I uh, I have to. I can't deal with this right
now. I mean, I've uh, y'know, I've got a cab, I've got a
girlfriend, I'm... I'm gonna go get a cat.
Rachel: OK, OK.
Ross: Cat. [leaves]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is watching a rabbi
play an electric guitar on TV. Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey Joey.
Joey: Hey Phoebs.
Phoebe: How come you're watching a rabbi play electric guitar?
Joey: I can't find the remote. [Phoebe turns off the TV] Thank
you.
Phoebe: So, Scott asked me to come over for lunch today and I
did.
Joey: And?
Phoebe: And we did.
Joey: All right Phoebs, way to go.
Phoebe: Yay me.
Joey: So, so how did it happen?
Phoebe: Well, I finally took your advice and asked him what was
going on.
Joey: And what did he say?
Phoebe: He said that, um, he understands how sex can be like, a
very emotional thing for a woman and he was just afraid that I
was gonna get all, y'know, like, 'ohh, is he gonna call me the
next day' and, y'know, 'where is this going' and, ya know,
blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to hold off until he was
prepared to be really serious.
Joey: Wow.
Phoebe: Yeah, so I said, "OK, relax please," y'know, I
mean, sex can be just about two people right there in the moment,
y'know, it's, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not,
that's fine too. So after a looooot of talking. . . I convinced
him.
Joey: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with
him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got
you thinking this was a great idea.
Phoebe: Um-hum.
Joey: This man is my God.
[Scene: Ross and Julie are at the pound looking for a cat.]
Julie (looking at a cat in a cage): Ooh, this one is cute, don't you think?
Ross: Yeah. This one's cute and-and that one's cute (points to a cat) and that one's cute. (points to another cat). They're all cute. They're kittens. Let's just wrap it up and get the hell out of here.
Julie: Are you ok?
Ross (with a worried look): Yeah me, me? Sure. Yea Yea. Yeah!
Julie: Ross, honey, hey..I know that this a big step for us but I've got a feeling we're going to be ok.
Ross: Yeah I know. I know. (to the worker) So um, do you have any cats that are really old or incredibly sick? Just--
(The worker gives him a strange look.)
Julie: Ross? I don't want one that is about to die.
Ross: Oh see, now we should of worked that out before we came down here.
Julie: Oook sweetie I am going to narrow it down to this one over here (points to one)..
Ross: Yea
Julie: ...and this one with the stripes.(points to one). Ok. You pick!
Ross: Uh oh wait. I a-. I have to pick?
Julie: Yeah, which ever one you want!
Ross: Oh well I um..I don't know. I mean it's not that easy to choose. You know? I mean both-both cats are-are beautiful and um..funny and....you know I am sure I would be happy with either cat. I-I just..
Julie: Well, do you wanna take both?
Ross: Both? Both? I can't have two cats-I mean..Joey's the kind of guy who can have two cats.
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is closing up and Ross comes in. Get
your Kleenex.]
Rachel: Hi.
Ross: I didn't get a cat.
Rachel: Oh, that's um, interesting.
Ross: No, no it's not interesting. OK, it's very, very not
interesting. In fact it's actually 100 percent completely
opposite of interesting.
Rachel: Alright, I got it Ross.
Ross: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.
Rachel: [hurt] What?
Ross: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you.
Rachel: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You
think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?
Ross: Then you should have said something before I met her.
Rachel: I didn't know then. And how come you never said anything
to me.
Ross: There was never a good time.
Rachel: Right, you, you only had a year. We only hung out every
night.
Ross: Not, not, not every night. You know, and... and it's
not like I didn't try, Rachel, but things got in the way, y'know?
Like, like Italian guys or ex-fiances or, or, or Italian guys.
Rachel: Hey, there was one Italian guy, OK, and do you even have
a point?
Ross: The point is I... I don't need this right now, OK. It, it's
too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has
sailed.
Rachel: Yeah, what're you saying, you just sort of put away
feelings or whatever the hell it was you felt for me?
Ross: Hey, I've been doin' it since the ninth grade, I've gotten
pretty damn good at it.
Rachel: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright
Ross.
Ross: Fine.
Rachel: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship.
Ross: Good.
Rachel: Good. [Ross leaves]
[Rachel gets up and opens the door, yelling after him.]
Rachel: And ya know what, now I've
got closure.
[Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits down, visibly
upset. She puts her head in her hands and begins to cry. Ross
comes back and is standing outside the window. When Rachel
regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she sees him. She
smiles. She goes to open the door and can't get the lock undone.]
Ross: Try the bottom one.
[She opens the door and they kiss.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler answers the door
to find Monica.]
CLOSING CREDITS
Chandler: Monica, it's 6:30 in the morning. We're not working
out, it's over.
Monica: No way, with one pound to go, c'mon. We're workin', we're
movin', we're in the zone we're groovin'.
Chandler: OK, I don't, I don't mind the last pound. OK, in fact I
kind of like the last pound. OK, so don't make me do anything
that I'll regret.
Monica: Ooh, what'cha gonna do, fat boy, huh? What?
Chandler: Nothing, except tell you, uh, I think it's wonderful
how much energy you have.
Monica: Well, thanks.
Chandler: I mean, especially considering how tough it's been for
you to find work.
Monica: Well, you know.
Chandler: You know, I mean, you can't tell your parents you were
fired because they'd be disappointed.
Monica: [sad] Uh-huh.
Chandler: And it's not as if you have a boyfriend's shoulder to
cry on.
Monica: Well no, but um.
Chandler: I mean, if it were me, I think I'd have difficulty just
getting out of bed at all.
Monica: Y'know, I try to stay positive. . .
Chandler: So, you feel like goin' for a run?
Monica: Alright.
Chandler: Because, you know, you don't have to. If you want, you
could just take a nap right here.
Monica: OK. Just for a little while.
Chandler: OK. [Puts an afghan over her and dances into his room]
END