Part I Written by: Scott Silveri
Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
The text in blue are scenes that were originally cut from the original airing of the show.
Added footage text byAne Jegstad
[Scene: The Hospital, Ross and Rachel, whoís in a wheelchair, are arriving in the waiting room for the maternity ward.]
Ross: All right! (Checking his watch) Yes!! From home to the hospital in under seven minutes! We did it!!
Rachel: (deadpan) Yes, the hard part is truly over.
Ross: No, but come on, weíre off to a great start arenít we? I knew Iíd get you here fast, but this has got to be some kind of a record!
(Phoebe and Monica walk in from getting some coffee.)
Phoebe: Oh you made it!
Rachel: Hi! (Ross is stunned.)
Monica: How are you doing?
Ross: Wait a minute! How-how the hell did you beat us here?
Monica: We took a cab. Did you guys walk?
Ross: NÖ No! We took a cab too, but I did test runs!
(Chandler and Joey enter from the vending machines carrying sodas.)
Joey: Hey! You made it!
Ross: Okay is thereÖsome kind of magic tunnel to this hospital?!
Rachel: Ross, you stay here and talk, Iím gonna go have a baby.
Ross: Okay. Okay. (To the nurse behind the desk.) Umm hi, this is Rachel Green. Iím Ross Geller. We-we called from the car.
Nurse: Right! We have a semi-private labor room waiting for you. So in just a minuteÖ
Rachel: (interrupting her) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Iím sorry, semi-private? We (Laughs), we asked for a private room.
Nurse: Yes, I see that here. Unfortunately we canít guarantee a private room and currently theyíre all unavailable.
Chandler: Man, if only youíd gotten here sooner. (Ross turns and glares at him.)
Nurse: Iím sorry. Semi-private rooms are all we have.
Rachel: Okay. Just give us a second. Ross! (They walk away from the desk.)
Rachel: Give her some money.
Ross: I really think theyíre out of rooms.
Rachel: Theyíre not!! Ross, theyíre just saving them for the important people!! Okay?! What-what if I was the president?!
Ross: Well then weíd be in a lot of trouble, you donít know where any countries are. (Rachel glares at him.) Okay. (He goes over to the desk followed by Rachel.) Uh, say would you ummÖ Would you mind checking again to see if any umm, private rooms may have (Handing her some money) opened up?
Nurse: This is a hospital.
Rachel:Okay, I see. Can we please talk to the manager?
Nurse: There is no manager, just nurses, doctors, and semi-private rooms.(standing up) Okay. Yíknow what? Iíd have to say I really donít care for your tone. And this is not the only hospital in this city and we have no problem toóWhoa! (She starts a contraction) Oh gosh! Whoa!
Rachel: Ow! Ow! Contraction. (Sits back down.) Ow-ow! Ow-ow! (Starts breathing heavily.)
Nurse: Would you like to see a semi-private room?
Rachel: Yeah, it couldnít hurt to look.
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Rachel is in bed, Ross is fooling around, and Dr. Long is checking on Rachel.]
Dr. Long: Well youíre only two centimeters dilated and we need to get to ten. Itíll be a while.
Rachel: Oh, okay.
Dr. Long: Iíll be back in an hour to check you again.
Ross: Thank you.
Rachel: Thank you. Oh, wait Dr. Long, can I ask you something? Is labor really as painful as everybody says it is?
Dr. Long: Oh, look at that. My beeperís going crazy. (Dr. Long exits.)
Rachel: Well, I guess we have some time to kill.
Ross: Yeah, guess so. Whew! Check these out! (Heís looking at the stirrups on the other bed in the room and Rachel groans. Ross then hops into the bed and puts his legs into the stirrups.) Never done this before. Doesnít feel good.
Rachel: Yeah well it looks great!
(A nurse shows another couple into the room.)
Man: Thank you very much.
(They stop when they see Ross who has to struggle to get out of the bed.)
Ross: Hi! Hi, Iím uh Ross. Iím here to ruin this magical day for you.
Man: Oh no-no, not at all.
Woman: Donít worry about it.
Man: Marc Coreger, this is my wife Julie.
Ross: Hi Julie.
Ross: This is Rachel. (Points at her.)
Marc: Oh hi Rachel.
Rachel: How are you?
Julie: Hi. Is this your first?
Rachel: Yeah it is.
Julie: Well, little Jamie here is our third. So, if you have questions or you need anything at all, just holler.
Rachel: Thatís so sweet.
Ross: Umm say, I-I opened this earlier (The privacy screen) but let me give you guys some privacy.
Marc: No nonsense! Weíre all in this together.
Julie: Yeah, we are going to share every moment of this with you. And I think weíre gonna have some fun.
Ross: Oh, okay.
Marc: Hey! Smile! (Points his camera at Ross and Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh no, I really donít want anyó(He takes the picture)óOh! Thank you. Oh. Oh RossÖ
Rachel: Here comes another contraction.
Ross: Oh. Okay, just breathe.
Julie: Oh honey, I think Iím having one too!
(During the mutual contraction Julie takes a moment to point out theyíre having a contraction at the same time.)
Marc: Look at this! (Takes another picture) There we go! One more! (Takes another picture)
[Scene: The Waiting Room, the rest of the gang is lounging around.]
Phoebe: (looking at the clock) Oh wow, three hours and still no baby. Ugh, the miracle of birth sure is a snooze fest.
Monica: Hey, you wanna see something?
Phoebe: Sure! What?
Monica: Umm, this is going to be fun. Watch me freak out Chandler. Honey?
Monica: Listen uh, I-Iíve been doing some thinking, and I donít know whether itís because weíre here or Rachelís giving birth but umm, I think we should try to have a baby.
Monica: (freaking out) What-what-whatís that now?!
Chandler: Okay. Iíve been thinking about it too, and I, I think weíre ready.
Monica: What?! Are you kidding me?! You-you-you think weíre ready to have a baby now?!
Phoebe: Oh, this is fun.
Joey: Youíre ready to have a baby? My boyís all grown up!
Chandler: But you said you were ready too.
Monica: Yeah but I was just screwing with you to try to get your voice all high and weird like mine is now!
Chandler: Yes, but havenít you wanted a kid like forever?
Monica:Yeah. But no one ever wanted to have one with me. I mean, now Iím just gonna have a baby if I want to? What are you doing to me!?
Chandler. Iím sorry I brought it upÖ?
Monica: Okay, just back off mister! Whoa. (Pause) ĎCause I am ready to have a baby. I just want Joey to be the father.
Joey: (voice all high and weird) What?! Are you crazy?!
Monica: Thatís it! Right there! Is all I wanted!
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, time lapse, Ross is massaging out a cramp on Rachelís hip as Marc opens up the privacy screen.]
Marc: I am so sorry. The doctor insisted on closing the curtain for the exam.
Rachel: Oh, thatís veryóReally very-very okay.
Marc: Julieís cervix is dilated a seven centimeters, thatís about four fingers. The doctor let me feel it myself.
Julie: Have you felt Rachelís cervix Ross?
Rachel: (simultaneously as Ross) No, I donít think weíll be doing that.
Ross: (simultaneously as Rachel) Weíre not gonna do that.
Julie: Well, if you like you can feel Rachelís and then feel mine to compare.
Mrs. Geller: (entering) Am I interrupting?
Ross: Uh yes! Thank you.
Rachel: Oh. Oh wait no.
Rachel: No-no-donít! Donít leave me here with these people.
Ross: Oh uh, Iím sorry. (Runs out.)
Rachel: No Ross! Ross! Ross! My child has no father!
[Scene: The Hallway, Ross comes out and hugs Mrs. Geller.]
Ross: Hi! Iím so glad youíre here, but itís gonna be a while. I-I wished youíd called first.
Mrs. Geller: Oh thatís all right, Iím coming back later with your father.
Ross: Oh good.
Mrs. Geller: I actually needed to talk to you before the birth.
Ross: Okay, whatís up?
Mrs. Geller:Ross, I want to talk to you as your mother. Even though I know that you and I are also very good friends.
Ross: I really donít know what youíre talking about it, but okay.
Mrs. Geller: I brought something that I want to give you, assuming of course that you want it. (She holds up an engagement ring.)
Ross: Ma, youíre asking me to marry you?
Mrs. Geller: This is your grandmotherís engagement ring, I want you to give it to Rachel.
Ross: Mom no, come on! Thank you.
Mrs. Geller: Just hear me out!
Ross: N-no! Okay? Weíve been through this! Weíre not gonna get married just because sheís pregnant, okay?
Mrs. Geller: Honestly! Ross, this isnít just some girl you picked up in a bar and humped.
Ross:You think young people use that word more than we actually do.
Mrs. Geller: Ross, a child should have a family.
Ross: Mom, yíknow what? I-I canít deal with this right now. Iím sorryÖ Go, hey, go talk to Monica. Oh, she got a new haircut. Youíll hate it.
Mrs. Geller: JustÖthink about it. If you donít, Iíll talk more about humping.
Ross: Gimmie! (Takes the ring and puts it in his coat pocket as Rachel enters the hallway.)
Mrs. Geller: Oh hi dear!
Rachel: Oh, thank you so much for coming. Ross, get in here!
(Mrs. Geller leaves as Ross re-enters the room.)
[Scene: The Waiting Room.]
Chandler:(To Joey) You wanna see something funny? (To Monica) (Pretending the magazine heís holding is a baby) Monica? Goo-goo-gooÖ
Monica: Okay, stop it, youíre freaking me out.
Joey: Dude, do it again.
Ross: (Enters the hallway) Hey! Rachel had the baby!
Ross: No. I donít know why I thought thatíd be funny. (To Monica) You said "hi" to mom before she left, right?
Monica: I thought that was her! Yeah, I called her name and she ducked into a stairwell.
Ross: Well, yíknow what, consider yourself lucky okay, she came and dragged me out of the labor room to ask me why Iím not with Rachel.
Phoebe: Yeah. (Pause) Why arenít you with Rachel?
Ross: Are you kidding? Look, weíre not gonna be together just because weíre having a baby. And I know. Sheís just not some girl I humped.
Joey: Humped? Come on, RossÖ
Phoebe: But yíknow what? It just seems that you two belong together.
Ross: Okay, stop it! I canít deal with this right now. I have to go have a baby.
Phoebe: Right. And with who again? (Ross exits.)
Joey: God. Heís crazy! Why doesnít he want to be with Rachel?
Phoebe: I know!
Joey: I mean seriously, sheís like the perfect woman. I mean I know she turned me down, but if she hadnít and wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms andÖ (Realizes everyone is staring.) I havenít bummed you guys out like this in a while have I?
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Ross is returning to find another couple has taken the place of Marc and Julie.]
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey. Whoís that?
Rachel: New people.
Ross: What happened to the Disgustingtons?
Rachel: Theyíre having their baby! Itís not fair Ross we got here first! Right after you left they wheeled her off into delivery. Oh but not before she gave me a juicy shot of little Jamie just crowning away.
Ross: Wow! Sorry. So uh, how are the new people?
Rachel: Well they have uh, some unusual pet names for each other. Including umm, evil bitch and uh, sick bastard. Oh God oh! Contraction!
Ross: Yeah? Okay.
Rachel: Ooh! Ow!!
Evil Bitch: Are you looking at her?!
Sick Bastard: No!
Evil Bitch: Donít you look at her you sick bastard!
Sick Bastard: Honey I swear! I wasnít looking at her!
Evil Bitch: Sheís in labor! You like that you sick son of a bitch!
Ross: Umm. Umm, Iím-Iím just gonnaó(Closes the privacy screen.)
Evil Bitch: See? See? It was because you were looking fat pervert!
Ross: No-no, IímÖIím sure no one was looking. Just want some privacy. (He closes the screen and stares wide-eyed at Rachel.)
Evil Bitch: You miss your girlfriend?
Ross: Just ignore them.
(Sick Bastard sits down in a chair that enables him to look around the screen and stare at Rachel.)
Ross: What? What?
Rachel: Heís looking at me.
Ross: (to him) Hey! You wanna live to see your baby?!
Evil Bitch: Donít you talk to my husband like that you stupid bastard!
(Ross shrugs his shoulders to Rachel and Sick Bastard closes the screen all the way.)
[Scene: Outside the Nursery, Chandler is looking at the babies as Monica walks up.]
Monica: Oh good God! If you want a baby so bad just go steal it! (The nurse attending to the babies hears this, turns and stares at Chandler.
Chandler:Oh, donít worry! These babies are far too ugly for us. (Chandler moves Monica to the side and away from the nurse.)
Monica: What is going on with you? Since when are you so crazy about babies?
Chandler: Iím not crazy about babies. Iím crazy about us.
Chandler: Look, weíve always talked about having babies someday. Iím not saying it has to be right now, but Iím starting to think that we can handle it. Weíre good. Weíre really good.
Monica: We are pretty good.
Chandler: But nothing has to happen until youíre ready.
Monica: Well maybe Iím ready now. I mean, itís a little scary, but maybe itís right.
Chandler: What?! Itís not right! Weíre not ready to have a kid now!!
Chandler: Iím kidding. This is going to be fun.
Monica: So weíre gonna try? I mean, are we trying?
Chandler: Weíre trying to get pregnant. (They start kissing, but Chandler stops it.) Yíknow Iím not really comfortable doing this in front of the babies. So, when do you want to start trying?
Monica: Okay, hold on a sec.
Chandler: Period math?
Monica: Well, we could start trying. Now.
Chandler: Right here?
Monica: No, not here. Maybe here.
Chandler: Wait a minute, itís perfect. We got a lot of time to kill and weíre in a building thatís full of beds!
Monica: And itís so clean!!
(They run off in search of a bed.)
[Scene: The Vending Machines, Phoebe is buying a soda and Joey is shaking the candy machine.]
Joey: Come on you stupid machine! Come on!
Phoebe: Oh, it ate your money?
Joey: (looking at her) No.
Phoebe: All right, Iíll see you downstairs then.
Joey: All right.
Phoebe: All right.
Joey: Hey I got one! I got one!
[Cut to the elevator lobby, Phoebe walks up and sees a man in a wheelchair with his broken leg extended.]
Man: Oh uh, up or down?
Phoebe: Oh down please. (The guy tries to reach the button, but canít.) I-I hate to be a ball buster can I just do it? (She pushes the button.)
Man: Could you press up too please?
Phoebe: Sure! I feel so bad for you; I broke my leg once too.
Man: Oh yeah? Howíd yours happen?
Phoebe: Well, itís a long story. Itís kind of embarrassing. Letís just say there was a typographical error with a sex manual. (The guy laughs.) How about you?
Man: Car accident.
Man: Oh, let me guess some idiot on a cell phone wasnít paying attention?
Man: Yeah. Me.
Man: Oh, no, donít be. Nobody else got hurt, and I was pretty lucky.
Phoebe: Well I for one, am glad you made it.
Man: You sure? I mean, you donít know me. I could have been sent from another planet to destroy earth.
Phoebe: Couldnít press the "down" button, I think earth is okay.
Man: (The elevator door opens.) Oh hey, thatís me. (Rolls onto the elevator.) Hey uh, I take it youíre just visiting someone.
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah.
Man: Well umm, if you have sometime yíknow and maybe you might want to visit someone elseÖ
Phoebe: Oh yeah! I-I would like that.
Man: Iím in the middleÖ (The elevator door closes, cutting him off.)
Phoebe: Wait! What?! No!! Elevator!! No!
Joey: (standing behind her) Uh, you gotta press the button. (Does so.)
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Evil Bitch and Sick Bastard are gone and Ross has just finished talking to a
nurse as Rachel stands and stretches.]
Ross: The nurse said theyíre bringing in another woman.
Rachel: Ugh, is she pregnant yet? She doesnít need to be; sheíll still have the baby before I do. Oh Ross, another contraction! (Leans back on Ross for some support.)
Ross: Thatís it. Thatís it.
(The next couple enters.)
Woman: Oooh, that sounded like a bad one.
Rachel: Yeah it was.
Woman: Mine havenít been so bad. Oh! Here comes one now. (Hums then squeals a little bit.) Oh, that was a big one!
Man:That was like the biggest one yet. Are you okay honey?
Woman: Iím okay honey.
Rachel: Well Iíve got some bad news. It gets worse. And when you get to the end, they get really big, and they come, like, every minute.
Woman: Well, mine are pretty close together. I thinkÖ (Has another "contraction") Excuse me.
Rachel: Thatís quite alright.
Woman: Oh, by the way, my nameís Johanna. Whatís yours?
(Rachel motions for Ross to close the privacy screen, which he does.)
[Scene: Another Waiting Room, Phoebe and Joey are trying to find out where the guy with the broken leg is.]
Phoebe: (to the nurse) Excuse me? Could you help me with something? Iím looking for a man. Well, who isnít, huh? (off the nurseís glare) You, you arenít. Good for you. Anyway, the patient Iím looking for has a broken leg and is in a wheelchair. And umm, heís like early to mid-thirties, very attractive. Even you would think so.
Nurse: I think I know who youíre talking about.
Phoebe: Oh yay! Great! Okay, what room number is he in?
Nurse:Iím sorry. Patient information is confidential.
Phoebe: No, no, Iím no going to bother him or anything. We were talking earlierÖ
Nurse: Maíam, Iím sorry, that information is restricted to hospital staffÖ
Joey: (walks up) Uh, sheís with me. (Introduces himself) Dr. Drake Ramoray.
Nurse: Dr. Drake who?
Joey: Ramoray. Itís Portuguese. We need that information; Iím a doctor.
Nurse: A doctor at this hospital?
Joey: Damnit woman weíre losing precious time! Now do you want this manís blood on your head?
Joey: Hands! It is absolutely essential that you tell me what room the man my assistant described is staying in. Heís a patient of mine, Iíve been treating him for years!
Nurse: Heís in room 816.
Joey: 816, thank you!
Phoebe: Thank you. (Starts to exit.)
(Joey starts to leave, but stops.)
Joey: And what is his name?
Phoebe: (coming back for Joey) No! (Grabs Joey and drags him away.)
[Scene: An Empty Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter.]
Monica: I think we found a place.
Chandler: Okay. (They start kissing.)
Monica: Umm, wait! Do you want to set the mood a little?
Chandler:Oh. (in a weird, dark voice) Hello, Monica.
Monica: Not like that.
Chandler: Okay. Uh, weíll dim the lights, dim the lights. (He goes to the light switch and finds itís not a dimmer switch when he flips the lights off.) Or turn them out all together. Uh, no scented candles. Okay here. Here we go. (He sprays an aerosol air freshener above her.)
Monica: Okay! Okay! Make me sterile, but okay.
(He hops onto the bed and they start making out.)
Monica: Okay. Letís hurryóOh wait! Do we have a condom? (He looks at her.) Oh right! (Laughs and they resume making out when a nurse catches them in the act.)
Chandler: Yes, 98.6. Youíre gonna be fine.
[Scene: Outside Room 816, Phoebe and Joey are approaching.]
Phoebe: Ooh, this is it! (Looks in the window.) Oh, thatís him! Thatís him!
Joey: Great! Go get him.
Phoebe: Wait a second, or maybe you can go in first.
Joey: (looks in the window) Heís not really my type.
Phoebe: No not you, Dr. Drake Ramoray. You can ask him questions and see whatís he like. People tell doctors everything.
Joey: But you said he was this great guy!
Phoebe: But lately all the guys I meet seem really nice at first, then they turn out to be the biggest jerks.
Joey: You do attract some stinkers.
Phoebe: Yeah, I knowÖ
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Dr. Long is checking on Rachel again.]
Rachel: Dr. Long, Iíve been at this for seventeen hours! Three women have come and gone with their babies, you gotta give me some good news! How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?
Dr. Long: Three.
Ross: Just three?! Iím dilated three!
Dr. Long: We are moving along, just slowly. (Rachel lies back and sighs.) Donít worry, youíre doing great. Iíll be back soon. (Exits.)
Rachel: Hey, yíknow what? Iím not waiting! Iím gonna push this baby out! Iím doing it! I mean itís what? Three centimeters? Thatís gotta be like this! (Holds her hands a couple inches apart.)
Ross: Actually itís more like this. (Pushes her hands to less than an inch apart.)
Rachel: Oh stupid metric system!
(Another woman with a nurse and doctor enter, the woman is screaming.)
Doctor: Oh my. Weíre gonna need to take you straight to the delivery room.
Rachel: Oh for the love of God!
Woman Giving Birth: (yelling from the hallway) Itís coming! Itís coming!
Doctor: And here it is! (The baby cries.)
Rachel: Oh come on!!
[Scene: Room 816, Dr. Drake Remoray is entering.]
Joey: Hi! Iím Dr. Drake Ramoray and I have a few routine questions I need to ask you.
Man: Really? Iíve been dealing with Dr. Wells.
Joey: I know, but Iím a neurologist. And just to be on the safe side, Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of you status so he sent me.
Man: Dr. Wells is a woman.
Joey: That was a test. Good response. All right, full name.
Man: Clifford Burnett.
Joey: Date of birth?
Cliff: November 16th, 1968.
Cliff: Canít you figure that out based on my date of birth?
Joey: Iím a doctor Cliff, not a mathematician.
Cliff: Iím 33.
Joey: Okay. And uh, are you married.
Joey: Oh really? So, 33 years and single, would you say you have commitment issues?
Cliff: Are all the questions this personal?
Joey: (checking the list) Yes.
Cliff: Well uh if you must know Iím a widower.
Joey: Oh thatís terrible. Iím-Iím really sorry.
Cliff: Yeah. I lost my wife five years ago to a myocardial infarction. (Joey is confused) A heart attack, doctor.
Joey: Oh, yeah. MyocarÖ. Are you experiencing any dizziness?
Joey: Has the pain been getting worse?
Joey: Hmm. Do you sleep with women and never call them again?
Joey: Excellent! Excellent! And uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff yíknow, sexually?
Joey: Oooh, wrong answer. (Exits.)
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, theyíre brining in yet another woman.]
Nurse: (calling to the woman) This roomís available.
Rachel: Okay! Okay wait! You listen to me! You listen to me! Since I have been waiting four women, thatís four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! Iím next! Itís my turn! Itís only fair! And if you bring in one woman and she has her baby before me Iím going to sue you! Not this hospital, Iím going to sue you! And my husband (points at Ross) heís a lawyer!
Ross: Uh RachÖ
Rachel: Go get back on that case honey!
Nurse: I donít think the next patient is very far along.
Rachel: Okay, well then bring her in.
(Another nurse wheels the next pregnant woman in.)
Woman: OHÖ.MYÖ.GAWD!!! (Uh-huh, itís Janice.)
(Ross and Rachel are, needless to say, stunned at the arrival of Janice.)
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, continued from earlier.]
Janice: IÖ.canítÖ.believe this!
Ross: And yet somehow itís true!
Janice: I mean this is so great! Weíre gonna be baby buddies! (Does the laugh.)
Ross: (To Rachel) Squeeze your legs together and cover the babyís ears!
Man: (entering, carrying a pillow) Hi sweetie!
Janice: Hi! Hi sweetheart! This is my husband Sid, I donít think youíve met him. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologistís office. Thank God for adult acne huh? (Does the laugh.)
Sid: I still canít believe it! Iím the luckiest guy in the world!
Ross: (softly) Really?
Sid: (to Janice) Whatíd he say?
Janice: Oh yíknow what? You have to speak very loudly when youíre talking to Sid, because heís almost completely deaf.
Ross: Oh there you go!
Rachel: I get it!
Janice: So? Congratulations you two, I didnít even know you got married.
Rachel: Oh we-we didnít.
Ross: No-no. WeÖ
Ross: Um uhÖWeíre-weíre just having this baby together but uh, uh thatís all.
Ross: Uh well ummÖweíre just not in that place, yíknow? But weíre very excited about this.
Janice: Oh. Well then shut me up. (Does the laugh.)
Rachel: Just tell me how.
Janice: Uh-oh, I feel another one coming. (She makes a sound like a goose during the contraction.)
Ross: Sid you lucky deaf bastard.
[Scene: Outside Room 816, Joey is briefing Phoebe on Cliff.]
Phoebe: What else? What else?
Joey: Uh, well heís 33.
Phoebe: Oh. Ah-uh.
Joey: A widower.
Joey: He seemed like a stand up guy. Oh, and heís not into anything weird sexually.
Phoebe: Enter Pheebs.
[Scene: Another Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter and start making out.]
Chandler: Should we tell Rachel thereís an empty private room right next door to hers?
Monica: We could, or we can have sex in it.
Chandler: Well let me think about that, while I remove my pants!
(They start making out again.)
Monica: (lying down on the bed) Okay mister! Fertilize me!
(Suddenly they hear Janice laughing, and it ruins the moment.)
Monica: Does that sound like Janice?
Chandler: If itís not, then thereís two of them. And that would mean itís the end of the world!
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Chandler and Monica are entering to see if they in fact did hear Janice.]
Rachel: Oh hi.
Monica: I canít believe this is taking so long. How are you doing?
Rachel: Oh not bad. Do you know that feeling when youíre trying to blow a Saint Bernard out your ass?
Ross:And soon someone will call her mom.
Chandler: Weirdest thing. Did I hearó(A nurse opens the privacy screen and Chandler sees Janice)óMother of God itís true!
Janice: Chandler Bing!
Ross: Not just Janice, Janice in labor, contracting and everything.
Janice: Oh, this should be easy. I have a very wide pelvis. You remember Chandler.
Monica:(to Chandler) I feel so bad for you. Sheís your ex, and I have Richard.
Chandler: Janice I didnít even know you were pregnant! Whoís the unwitting human whoís essence youíve stolen?
Janice: Itís you. This is yours.
Janice: (laughs) Look how nervous he gets! We havenít slept together in years! (Laughs again.)
Chandler: Thatís funny. Does it-does it hurt? Does the labor hurt?
[Scene: Room 816, Phoebe is making her move on Cliff.]
Phoebe: Okay Iíve got one for you, if you had too which one would you rather eat, a seeing eye dog or a talking gorilla?
Cliff: Iíd have to sayÖthe talking gorilla, because at least I can explain to him that youíre making me eat him.
Phoebe: Somebody went to college. Wow. (Cliff gets uncomfortable) What is it? Iím sorry. (She moves her arm, which was resting on the same pillow his leg is.)
Cliff: No, Iím sorry. Itís just my foot itches like crazy.
Phoebe: Oh, Iíll get it. (She gets up and grabs a spoon.)
Cliff: Wow! I usually get to know a girl a little better before I let her spoon me.
Phoebe: Relax, itís not like weíre forking.
Cliff:(while Phoebe is "spooning" him) Oh, oh, oh. (She stops). Thank you. Listen, you seem to really know what to do with utensil. Would you like to go to diner sometime?
Phoebe: Yeah, I would really like that. Yeah! And I promise, I wonít make you eat any remarkable animals.
Cliff: I was thinkingÖ Iíd kinda like to make a move. But, the leg. Maybe a little help?
Phoebe: Okay. Let me fix your pillow. (She moves closer, fixes his pillow and Cliff kisses her). Oh, Cliff, youíre so forward! (They hug).
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Janice is being moved to the delivery room and is screaming in pain.]
Sid:(To Ross & Rachel) It was really nice meeting you.
Janice: (From the delivery room) SID!!!!!!!
Sid: Thatís the first time Iíve heard her voice. I didnít care for it.
Rachel: Oh thatís five Ross. Five women have had five babies! And I have had no babies! Why doesnít she want to come out?
Ross: Yíknow what I think it is? I think youíve made such a nice home for her over the last nine months that she just doesnít want to leave.
Rachel: Oh. Look at you making up crap for me. Oh God! (Starts another contraction as Dr. Long enters.)
Dr. Long: Twenty-one hours, youíre a hero.
Rachel: Doctor you gotta do something! I think you gotta give me drugs or you gotta light a fire up in there and just smoke it out.
Dr. Long: Actually, I think youíre ready to go to the delivery room.
Dr. Long: Ten centimeters, youíre about to become a mom.
Rachel: My God. Okay. (Another woman enters.) Ha-ha-ha beat ya! Sucker!
[Scene: Room 816, Phoebe and Cliff are eating some pudding with spoons.]
Cliff: Is this the same spoon that was in my cast? (Smells it.)
Phoebe: Yíknow what? This one is. (Eats another spoonful of pudding as Cliff sees something on TV.)
Cliff: Oh my God! Thatís the doctor who was in my room before!
Phoebe: Huh. That must be one of those close circuit hospital channels.
Cliff: No, no, thatís a soap opera.
Phoebe: This is a very dramatic hospital.
Cliff: Iím telling you! The guy from that show was here in my room, asking me all these weird questions.
Phoebe: Okay, Mr. Percocet.
Cliff:I swear to you, thatís the guy.
Phoebe: Okay, Cliff, do you really believe that a character from a TV show was here in your room? You know what probably happened, was, you were watching this, and you drifted off to sleep and you dreamed he was in here.
Joey: (entering) Rachelís having her baby!! (Phoebe turns and looks at him.) Which is of no interest to me, Iím a neurologist.
Cliff: That-thatís him! You know him?
Phoebe: (Claps her hands) Wake up Cliff!! Okay. Okay. IóOkay ummÖthisÖI-I sent my friend Joey in here to find out stuff about you. Umm yíknow, if it helps you came off great. A lot better than Iím coming off right now.
Cliff: I donít believe this. You got him to pretend he was some fake doctor?
Joey: Fake? Excuse me? Hello? (Taps the TV screen.)
Cliff: And then you tried to make me think that I was crazy.
Phoebe: Youíre right, that was wrong. Iím sorry. Iím so sorry. Itís just that I liked you so much. Can we just, can we just start over?
Cliff: I donít think so.
Joey: Uh, if I may? Umm-umm look, Cliff, you told me a lot of personal stuff about you, right? And maybe-maybe it would if-if would help if-if you knew some personal stuff about her. Uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer. Uh, she gave birth to her brotherís triplets. Oh! Oh! Her-her twin sister used to do porn!
Phoebe: Uh Joey, weíre trying to dial down the crazy.
Phoebe: Umm, look we donít, we donít really know each other so it would be really easy to just forget about this, but there seems to be something between us. And I donít know about you but that doesnít happen to me a lot.
Cliff: It doesnít happen to me either.
Joey: Me neither.
Phoebe:(To Joey) The baby, Rachel!
Joey: Right! Right! Right! (Heads for the door, but stops and watches himself on the show) Oh, I love this scene. (Looks at Phoebe, and walks out)
Phoebe: Okay, I gotta go too, but oh, what do you say? Can we just have that dinner?
Cliff: The triplets? You and your brother didnít actually?
Phoebe: No, no, no. They implanted embryos.
Cliff: Then dinner sounds great!
Phoebe: Great! Okay, alright, then Iíll see you later. My friendís having a baby.
Cliff: Her own?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah! No, no, sheís really old-fashioned.
[Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is finally giving birth.]
Dr. Long: Push. Push. Come on push for five seconds. 5Ö4Ö
Rachel: 3-2-1 oh!!
Dr. Long: Okay, the next contraction should be in about twenty seconds.
Rachel: I canít. I canít push anymore, I canít.
Ross: Sweetie youíre doing great.
Rachel: Oh God twenty seconds my ass!!
Dr. Long: Here we go! Okay, keep pushing! Wait! I see something.
Ross: What? You do? You do? (Looks) Oh my God!
Rachel: Donít say, "Oh my God!" Oh my God what?
Ross: What is that?
Dr. Long: Itís the babyís buttock, sheís breech.
Ross: Oh thank God, I thought she had two heads.
Rachel: Oh God. Is she gonna be okay?
Dr. Long: Sheís gonna be fine. Okay, sheís in a more difficult position so youíre gonna have to push even harder now. Go! Push!
Dr. Long: Rachel youíre gonna have to push even harder, nothingís happening!
Rachel: Iím sorry, I canít!
Ross: Yes you can!
Rachel: I canít!
Ross: Hey! Hey! Come on! You can! I know you can do this! Letís go!
Rachel: I canít. Please, you do it for me.
Ross: No! Come on letísóOne more time! One final push! Ready? 1Ö2Ö3! (Rachel pushes so hard her head snaps up head-butting Ross and knocking him down.)
Dr. Long: Good!
Ross: (from the floor) Keep pushing!
Rachel: Are you okay?
Ross: You have no idea how much this hurts. (All of the women in the room turn and glare at him.) Keep going! Keep going!
Dr. Long: Here we go!
Ross: Oh! Oh! Sheís upside down but sheís coming! Sheís coming!
Rachel: Oh God!
Ross: Oh! Oh my God oh! Oh my God sheís here.
(The newest friend cries.)
Ross: Oh sheísÖsheís perfect.
Rachel: Oh, sheís so tiny. (Starts crying) Whereíd she go?
Ross: Oh itís okay. Theyíre just-theyíre just wrapping her up.
Rachel: Okay. Well be careful with her, sheís really tiny.
Dr. Long: Here she is!
(Dr. Long hands her to Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh hey you. Thanks for coming out of me. (The baby cries.) I know. Oh. Yeah. Oh, sheís looking at me. Hi! I know you.
Dr. Long: Do we have a name yet?
Rachel: No, not yet.
Dr. Long: Thatís fine, for now weíll just call her Baby Girl Green.
Rachel: Oh no, Baby Girl Geller-Green.
(Ross and Rachel look into each otherís eyes and kiss.)
Rachel: Hello baby girl.
[Scene: The Recovery Room, Ross is taking pictures of Rachel holding the baby as the rest of the gang enters.]
Phoebe: Can we come in?
Ross: Oh, come in.
Joey: There she is!
Phoebe: Oh, sheís so beautiful.
Rachel: Here. (Hands her to Monica.)
Monica: Oh my God! Sheís amazing. Oh, oh Iím so glad you guys got drunk and had sex!
Chandler: Itís incredible, I mean one minute sheís inside you and then 47 hours later here she is.
Joey: (taking the baby) She looks so real! (The gang looks at him.) Yíknow what I mean! Sheís this whole tiny little person. She already has eyelashes and knees andÖuh-oh.
Joey: Oh no-no, no for I second there I counted six fingers, but one was from the other hand so weíre good.
Phoebe: Okay, my turn. My turn. (Joey hands her to Phoebe.) Oh! Youíre so cute! Oh, I could squeeze your little head! (Pause) I wonít.
(Rachel starts crying again.)
Monica: Whatís the matter?
Rachel: Oh nothing IÖ Sorry, I just canít stop crying.
Ross: The doctor says itís completely normal with all the hormones. Plus, you-youíre sleep deprived.
Rachel: So? You guys are all sleep deprived. I donít see you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong feet. Oh God. (Starts to cry harder.)
Joey: Whatís the matter now?
Rachel: I was reliving it.
Phoebe: Ohhh. (Hands her back to Rachel.)
Chandler: So, do you know what youíre gonna call her yet?
Phoebe: Oh, wait a minute itís not gonna be Baby Girl? I thought that was so original!
Ross: Uh actually, we-weíve narrowed it down to two names.
Rachel: Yeah, and yíknow what? I love them both, so why donít you just pick one and thatíll be it.
Ross: Wow! Umm, okay uhÖeveryoneÖthisÖis Isabella. (Rachel starts crying.) What?
Rachel: Thatís not her name! Iím sorry, she just doesnít feel like an Isabella.
Chandler: So then I guess Ferdinand is out.
Joey: What was the other one Ross?
Ross: Umm, Delilah.
Rachel: Oh great! Suddenly she sounds like a biblical whore.
Ross: So I guess weíre back to uh, Baby Girl.
Rachel: Well what are we going to do?
Monica: Itís okay honey, youíll find a name.
Ross: Ugh, easy for you to say, you already know what your kids names are going to be.
Chandler: You do?
Monica: Yeah, Iíve had them picked out since I was fourteen.
Chandler: Oh no, itís gonna be named after some snack or baked good isnít it?
Rachel: Well tell us! What are they?
Monica: Umm, okay. If itís a boy itís Daniel.
Rachel: And if itís a girl?
Monica: I donít want to say.
Rachel: Oh, just tell us! Weíre not gonna want it!
Monica: Okay. Itís Emma.
Rachel: (gasps) Emma! (Looks at the baby and starts to cry.) See? I donít want it. Do you have any other totally perfect names youíre not going to use?
Monica: Take it.
Monica: Itís clearly an Emma.
Rachel: Oh honey, but you love that name.
Monica: Yeah, but I love you more. Besides yíknow, nothing goes with Bing. So Iím screwed. I meanÖ (Rachel hands Emma to Monica.) Oh, hi Emma. Yeah, thatís you. Youíre our little Emma. Oh whatís that honey? What? Oh, you want a little cousin? (To Chandler) You want a cousin right now?!
Chandler:Do I look like a giant sperm to all of you, or...?
[Scene: A Janitorial Closet, Monica and Chandler are emerging slowly.]
Chandler: That was amazing.
Monica: I know. Hey, do you realize we may have just changed our lives forever? We may have just started a family. Nine months from now we can be here, having our own baby.
Chandler: And if not, we got to do it on a bucket.
Monica:I love you so much.
Chandler: Oh, yeah? (They kiss)
Monica: Hey? You wanna do it again. This time just for us?
[Scene: The Recovery Room, Rachel is putting Emma down for a nap.]
Janice: (entering) Yoo-hoo! Aaron Litman-Neurolic would like to say hello to his future bride.
Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks at Aaron and recoils in horror.) Wow! He kinda takes your breath away doesnít he?
Janice: Heís a keeper. (Looks at Emma) Look at the little munchkin. Donít you worry, cause the time youíre old enough to date him, heís gonna have a different nose. How are you feeling?
Rachel: Oh, Iím fine.
Janice: Can I just say, I really admire what youíre doing. Just raising her all alone.
Rachel: Oh, Iím not doing it alone. I have Ross.
Janice: Oh, sure. Now. But what happens when he meets somebody else and gets married?
Rachel: Well then he gets a divorce, itís Ross!
Janice: Iím telling you Rachel, listen to Janice. They all say theyíre gonna be there until they start their real family.
Rachel: Well IóThatís never gonna happen with Ross.
Janice: Oh well thatís what I thought about my first husband, now Iím lucky if my kid gets to spend the weekend with her father and the twins and little Ms. New Boobs.
Janice: I hate to be the one to say it, but honey you two (Her and Emma) are on your own.
Rachel: WellÖ ThatísÖyíknowóThatísóWeíve been alone for the last twenty minutes and weíre doing okay. Besides yíknow what? I-IóMaybe we wonít be alone, Ďcause lately I-Ióthings have been happening between me and Ross, yíknow? Right before I went into labor, we-we had this kiss. Yíknow? So it might be theÖthe beginning of something.
Ross: (entering) Hey Janice!
Janice: Oh hi!
Ross: Whoís this little guy? (Gasps when he sees Aaron.)
Janice: Say hello to Aaron, your future son-in-law.
Ross: No-no. No.
Janice: Iím gonna leave the three of you alone.
Janice: Bye. (Exits.)
Ross: Man! Did you see the kid on that nose?
Rachel: Uh-huh. (Ross takes off his coat and sets in on a chair.) Yíknow what I was, I was thinking about?
Rachel: UmmÖthat kiss before we left the apartment. That was some-something huh?
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, it really was. But weÖwe gotta be careful. WeÖwe canít let that happen again, yíknow?
Rachel: (pause) Right.
Ross: I mean we donít want to go down that road do we?
Rachel: No! No, of course not. No. Thatís why I brought it up. (Pause) They didnít have any sodas?
Ross: Oh my God! Iím sorry, I was talking to this nurse, completely forgot.
Rachel: Thatís all right. (He goes to get her a soda.) And so it begins.
[Scene: Outside the Nursery, Ross is looking at Emma as Phoebe walks up.]
Phoebe: Is she in there?
Ross: Yeah. Sheís putting her down now, thatís her. (Points to the nurse putting Emma down.)
Phoebe:Isnít it amazing how every baby is beautiful? Except that one. What is this? A petting zoo? Ooh.
Ross: Look at Emma!
Phoebe: I just canít decide who she looks more alike, you or Rachel?
Ross: Oh what are you kidding? Sheís gorgeous, itís all Rachel.
Phoebe: Iím sorry, for the last time, why arenít you two together again? (Silence from Ross.) No, I know. I know, because youíre not in that place. Which would be fine, except you totally are.
Ross: ItísÖitís complicated okay?
Phoebe: Yeah thatís true. Yeah, you love her. You always have. You have a child together. There is no right answer.
Ross: Look, weíve been together. Okay? And then apart, and then together, and then apart, and now we have a baby. (Pause) Itís just if-if we got together again and it didnít work outÖI could never do that to Emma. I mean she-she thinking everythingó(Starts to cry.) Oh thatísÖnow me. What do they put something in the water in this place? Since Rachel and I weíre doing really, weíre doing really well right now.
Phoebe: I know. I know. I know. I know, and if you try to make it more you might wreck it.
Ross: Yeah, exactly.
Phoebe: Right. (Pause) Or you might get everything youíve wanted since you were fifteen.
[Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is in bed as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey. I just saw a woman breast feeding both of her twins at the same time; it is like a freak show up here. (Notices sheís wiping her eyes.) Whatís the matter?
Joey: What is it? Hey!
Rachel: Really itís nothing. Iím justÖ
Joey: Rach come on, what?
Rachel: Iíve just been thinking about how my baby and I are gonna be all alone.
Joey: What are you talking about alone? What about Ross?
Rachel: Oh please, heíll be with his real family, the twins and little miss new boobs.
Joey: Okay, how long was I watching that woman?
Rachel: Iím just saying that yíknow, someday Ross is gonna meet somebody andÖheís gonna have his own life. Right?
Joey: Yeah, I guess so.
Rachel: I just never thought I would raise this baby all by myself. Pretty dumb huh?
Joey: Hey, listen to me, listen to meÖyou are never ever gonna be alone. Okay? I promise thatís not gonna happen.
Rachel: Joey. Honey what would I do without you?
Joey: You donít have to worry about that okay?
Rachel: Oh, hon can you grab me my other box of tissues? Theyíre right on that chair under Rossís coat.
(He moves Rossís coat to get the tissues and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that itís an engagement ring.)
Joey: My God.
(He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box open.)
Rachel: (seeing the ring) Oh my God. (Pause) Okay.
(Joey is stunned.)
[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachelís room.]
[Fade to black.]