Written by: Robert Carlock
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen with additional material by Keith Owen.
Original material is in black. Additional material is in blue.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is looking around the shop as Phoebe returns from getting some more coffee.]
Rachel: Look at that guy by the window, wow!
Phoebe: Hes awfully short and I think hes talking to himself. And to be completely honest, hes not that good in bed.
Rachel: Really? Oh, what is wrong with me lately? I mean its like every guy I seeI mean look here. (Points behind them) Look at that guy for example, I mean normally thats not someone I would-would be attracted to, but right now, with the way Im feeling, all I want to do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack.
Phoebe: Wait a second! This is about the fourth month of your pregnancy, right?
Phoebe: This is completely normal, around the fourth month your hormones start going crazy.
Rachel: Really?! So this has happened to you?
Phoebe: Oh absolutely yeah! Oh and keep in mind, now, I was carrying triplets so in, yknow, medical terms I was-I was thrice as randy.
Rachel: Wow! This explains so much! Last weekend, I went from store to store sitting on Santas lap.
Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, I remember trying to steal a cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield from a Foot Locker.
Rachel: Well, yknow what? I go see my doctor tomorrow, Ill ask her about this. Maybe she can give me a pill or something.
Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, thats what you need a good pill. Oh no! Short Crazy Guy recognises me. (Rachel turns round to see him) Worst mistake of my life. (As Rachel turns back round, Phoebe mouths "call me" to Short Crazy Guy.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are there as Mona enters.]
Mona: Hey! (To Joey) Hey!
Mona: Hi! Look! I got our pictures developed from Rockefeller Center.
Ross: Oh great! Hey-hey Joey, do you want to check out pictures of me and Mona ice skating?
Joey: Oh uh, ordinarily I would love too, but I am just swamped right now. (Brushes something off of his shirt and looks around, but doesnt move from his chair.)
Ross: Hey where-where are the pictures that creepy pretzel vendor took of us together?
Mona: Oh yeah, probably at the end. (Flips to the end.) Oh my God! He only took pictures of my breasts!
Joey: Im missin picture time?! (Jumps over to look, Ross glares at him and he retreats.)
Phoebe: (sitting down next to Ross) Yknow she has a face Ross!
Ross: I didn't take these ok. I didn't even know my camera had a zoom lens.
Phoebe: Comma, officer.
Mona: Okay. Okay, heres a good one of us.
Ross: Wow! That is a good one! Wow, it looks like a, like a holiday card yknow, with the tree in the middle and the skaters and the snow. Good job pretzel pervert.
Mona: Yknow, every year I say Im gonna send out holiday cards and I never do it. Do you wanna, do you wanna send this one out together?
Ross: (pause) Together? Like-like to people?
Mona: Yeah, yknow. Happy holidays from Mona and Ross. Itll be cute, okay?
Ross: Okay. (Not happy about it.)
Mona: Oh, I gotta get to work. So call me later?
Ross: Uh sure, sure.
Mona: Bye guys.
Joey: (To Ross) Congratulations! You just got married!
Ross: I know. Can you believe that?
Phoebe: Wait, Im-Im sorry. Whats the big deal about a holiday card?
Ross: Married couples send out cards, families send out cards, people who have been dating for a couple of months do not send out cards! What-what is she crazy?!
Joey: Hey-hey-hey, hey thats your wife youre talking about!
Ross: no really, that would be like a huge step forward, and I like things just the way they are. I'm finally in a relationship that is not moving too fast. Y'know ordinarily I'd be divorced by now.
Joey: Ok, so just tell her you don't wanna send out the card. What's she gonna do?
Phoebe: This. (As Mona, in a downbeat voice) "Oh, okay. I didn't mean to put pressure on you I just thought it would be something fun for us to do together. But ok, that's ok."
Ross: Ok, stop, stop, Your right it's not that big a deal. I'll, I'll do the card. (Phoebe starts to look sad again) What? What I said I'd do it
Phoebe: (As Mona again) I know, it's just, can I have $20?"
(Ross turns round to look at joey and he looks sad too)
[Scene: Chandlers Office, Monica enters, Chandler is at his desk]
Monica: Hi, you ready for lunch?
Chandler: One second. (He holds up one of them paper cut-out people chain things... can't think of any other way to describe it)
Monica: That's cute
Doug: Bing! Ho! And the Bing-ette! I thought it a little hotter in the office today.
Chandler: Honey, you remember my boss Doug right?
Monica: Yes, hi.
Doug: Hi. So good news, the divorce is final. I signed the papers this A.M.
Chandler: I didnt know you and Carol were getting divorced, Im sorry.
Doug: Sorry? Finally chewed my leg out of that bear trap. Hey, congratulations to you guys though!
Monica: No leg-chewing for us sir.
Doug: Oh well, give it time. So the divorce, the marriage, weve got a lot to celebrate. How about we all go out to dinner tomorrow night?
Monica: I cant think of anything were doing. (Quietly) Why cant I think of anything were doing?
Doug: Tomorrow night it is then, I should be out of court by six. They keep throwing these sexual harassment cases at me and I keep knocking them out of the park!
Monica: Okay, Ill see you tomorrow! (Doug exits.) Just so you know, were not seeing him tomorrow. (Chandler wonders why.)
Chandler: Once you get to know him, he's much, much worse. I can't do this alone.
Monica: I'm sorry, I cannot help you, I cannot spend another evening with that man. Do you remember how he behaved at our wedding?
Monica: Thats because he wasnt invited because of the way he behaved at our engagement party.
Chandler: Oh yeah. Boy, urine cuts right through an ice sculpture doesnt it?
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, He is lying on the couch marking his student's papers. He starts to doze off.]
Ross: Oh what the hell, B+.
(there’s a knock on the door and he opens it to Mona.)
Mona: Hey, I went by the photo shop, take a look, here is a mockup of our card. What do you think?
Ross: Huh. Wow, this is great.
Mona: Now, do you think it should say, "Love Ross and Mona?"
Ross: Well, we-we havent said that to each other yet, but I guess its okay to say it to other people.
Mona: How many did you want? Im getting a hundred.
Ross: A hundred?! Well, I-I guess Ill take aMona, uh I-Im not sure about the whole uh, card thing.
Mona: Really? Why not?
Ross: Sending out a holiday card, together, I mean I just dont know if were really quite there yet.
Mona: Oh yknow, I didnt think of it that way. Youre right. Youre right. So, can I ask you a question?
Mona: Where are we?
Mona: Yknow, like where are we? Where is this relationship going?
Mona: I mean I love spending time with you, yknow I justI hope were moving forward. I mean, we should probably talk about that. Dont you think?
Ross: Lets do the card!
Ross: The card! I think were there!
Mona: Okay. IBut I think we should still have this conversation.
Ross: Really?! I mean, even with the card?
[Scene: Rachels Doctors Office, she is waiting for her doctor as a nurse enters.]
Nurse: Just so you know, Dr. Long cant be here today, she was called to the hospital, so Dr. Schiff will be seeing you.
Rachel: Oh, okay. Hey, can I ask you a question? Was it me, or-or was the guy who took my blood sample really cute? Yknow who Im talking about, bald haircut, hairy fingers (Stops when she realizes it was her.) You know what, never mind, I just answered my own question.
Dr. Schiff: (entering) Hi Rachel? Im Dr. Schiff. (By the way, hes an attractive man.)
Rachel: Yes, you are. (to the nurse) Hey, now he's cute right?
Nurse: God yes.
Dr. Schiff: So, hows it going?
Rachel: Oh, really, really good. But enough about me, come on! Where-where are you from? What do you do?
Dr. Schiff: Im a doctor.
Rachel: Right! Right! I-I actually meant in your spare time, do you cook? Do you ski? Or do you just hang out with your wife or girlfriend?
Dr. Schiff: Uh, I dont have a wife or girlfriend, but I do like to ski.
Rachel: Oh, I love to ski! How amazing is this?!
Dr. Schiff: So, are you experiencing any discomfort?
Rachel: No. Im very comfortable.
Dr. Schiff: Any painful gas?
Rachel: No! Shoot, Dr. Schiff what kind of question is that?!
Dr. Schiff: Okay then, would you like to lie down on the table?
Rachel: Well would you like me to lie down on the table?
Dr. Schiff: Im sorry, is there something going on here?
Rachel: Do you feel it too?
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are there as Rachel enters.]
Phoebe: Oh hey! So, how did your doctors appointment go?
Rachel: Well, lets see. Uh, they gave me cute doctor today and in the middle of the exam I put my pinky in his chin dimple.
Phoebe: Oh my God.
Monica: Why did you do that?
Phoebe: Okay, remember that little problem I was having during my fourth month of pregnancy?
Monica: Oh yeah, the Evander Holyfield phase. Oh man you were so hard up you practically came on to me.
Phoebe: You wish.
Monica: Hey, I couldve had you if I wanted you.
Phoebe: Oh yeah? Come and get it.
Rachel: Okay, even this is turning me on! I have problems.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Oh hey! Hey Ross! Hey hows it, hows it going with you and Mona? Are you guys still together?
Ross: Oh yeah, yeah were moving forward. Youll be getting our card!
Monica: You and Mona are doing a holiday card together?
Ross: Yeah, were not just doing a card! Yknow, she-she also wants to have the conversation about where the relationship is going.
Phoebe: Ugh! Women!
Ross: I know! I know! Why do you guys need to have this conversation?! Huh? I mean no self-respecting man would ask a woman, "So, where is this going?"
Rachel: Uh Ross? You asked me that.
Ross: Hey! You were a closed book! Okay? I’m not a mind reader!
Monica: What are you gonna say to her? I mean, where is this relationship gonig?
Ross: I don't know, I mean I really like her, and I wanna keep dating her.
Phoebe: So tell her that.
Ross: No, I can't. Cause then she's gonna say "Well if it's not moving anywhere, then-then, we should just break up."
Monica: That's true.
Phoebe: That's right.
Ross: Besides, I hate those conversations. I’m horrible at them. Really! Maybe-maybe I need kind of a gesture. Y’know, something that says we’re moving forward without having to talk about it.
Monica: Like asking her to move in with you?
Ross: Smaller than that.
Monica: Making her a mixed tape?
Ross: Uh, bigger than that.
Phoebe: Give her a key to your apartment.
Ross: Whoa-hello! We were closer with the mixed tape.
Monica: All right. Have you said, "I love you?" You could say, I love you.
Ross: Yeah I-I dont-I dont think Im quite there yet, but I could say I looove spending time with you.
Phoebe: No, we hate that.
Monica: That is a slap in the face.
Ross: Forget it. I-IYknow what? Ill just have the conversation. Ill just say I like things the way they are, and hope for the best. What do you think Rach?
Rachel: I think, if it was a little colder in here I could see your nipples through that sweater.
[Scene: Chandlers Office, Doug is entering.]
Doug: Bing! Were all set for tonight, 8 oclock.
Chandler: Oh uh, as it turns out, we cant do it. Monica has to work.
Doug: Oh, my ex-wife didnt work, unless you call turning into her mother work. Fine. Tomorrow night then.
Chandler: Oh uh well tomorrows no good for her either.
Doug: Oh? Why not?
Chandler: Its the semi-finals of her botchy ball tournament.
Doug: Ok, the night after that then.
Chandler: Well, that's the finals, and I think she's gonna go all the way, sir.
Doug: Whats going on Bing? Does uh, your wife have a problem with me or something?
Chandler: Well now-now youre just talking crazy.
Doug: So why cant the three of us go out together?
Chandler: Because uh we-we we split up. Monica and I split up. Hold me.
Doug: Good God Bing I well I cant say Im altogether surprised, I saw the way she looked at you, and there was no love there. And the way she looked at me, pure lust.
Chandler: Yknow what would really help me through this tough time is choking something. Can I choke ya?
Doug: I know how you feel. Oh yeah, I know what it's like to give a woman all your love and then have that love thrown back in your face. and then the court decides to give you custody of those fat left-handed twins.
Chandler: Well, their lucky you have you, sir.
Doug: Bing my boy, were gonna get you over this. Now heres the plan, grab your coat, were going to a strip club.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, Monica would freak. (Doug looks at him.) But to hell with that bitch.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is getting Mona some coffee.]
Ross: Here we go. Mona umm, I think its time we-we had a conversation about-about where things are with us.
Mona: Yeah, I-I think I suggested that.
Ross: Aw, we-we are so (Motions that theyre connected.) So umm, well I-I-I like you and I-I love umm, yknow hanging out with you. And I mean-Im having a lot of fun. (He pauses and thinks there might be more, but decides there isnt.)
Ross: I mean, theres no point in spending time with someone if-if its just fun. Its gotta be, its gotta be going somewhere right? So where-where is it going? (Pause) Ah! Thats-thats the real question. And-and the answer is is its going somewhere fun. Now I-I know what youre thinking, fun was fine for you like ten years ago yknow, but youre-youre not getting any younger. No I meanNo not you, not you, youyou are getting younger. I meanyou-you look like youre getting younger by the secondWhats your secret?
Mona: Im sorry, so umm, so where are we?
Ross: Well, well to sum up, were having fun, you look young.
Ross: But thats not enough. So So heres a key to my apartment. (Hands her his key.)
Mona: You dont think this is too fast.
(Ross groans no.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is telling Rachel and Monica about yet another mistake hes made with a woman.]
Rachel: You gave her a key to your apartment?!
Ross: Not just a key, I gave her the only key! I am now a homeless person in a very serious relationship.
Monica: Why did you give her a key?
Ross: She talked me into a corner. Ok, she's like this conversational wizard!
Rachel: So, you had the conversation you didn't wanna have, and you made the gesture you didn't wanna make.
Ross: Did I start this by saying "Hey, I did something awesome today!"? Do you have a key to my place?
Monica: I don't think you've ever given us keys
Ross: Why would I? Its my home!
Phoebe: (entering with some guy) Hey. Ooh Ross! Howd the conversation go?
Ross: Oh great, I live on the street.
Phoebe: Where?! (Ross exits.)
Phoebe: Hi! Okay, Monica, Rachel, this is my friend Roger.
Roger: Hey everybody.
Monica: Hi Roger.
Phoebe: So umm, Im gonna get us some drinks. (To Rachel) Would you help me out?
Rachel: Yeah. (They go into the kitchen.)
Phoebe: Umm, hes here to have sex with you.
Phoebe: Youre welcome.
Rachel: Phoebe no!
Phoebe: Its okay, hes a virgin.
Monica: Rachel umm, I was just talking to this guy and I think hell have sex with you.
Phoebe: Yeah, okay lets leave these two alone.
Rachel: No! I do not care what my hormones are doing, I am not going to just do it with some random guy!
Phoebe: Fine! Then you tell Roger because he was really looking forward to this! (Phoebe exits.)
(Roger wets his lips in anticipation)
[Scene: A Strip Club, Doug and Chandler are there.]
Doug: Oh Bing, look at those twin sisters dancing together. Let me buy you a lap dance with those girls. Huh?
Chandler: Oh thats all right sir, and thats just one girl.
Doug: BingWhats this?! (Grabs his hand.)
Chandler: Its a hand. Its a thing you use as a Jack and Coke holder.
Doug: No, its a wedding ring. You gotta get rid of it. Were gonna go to the East River right now and throw it in there!
Chandler: Oh no-no-no!
Doug: Oh yeah-yeah-yeah, yknow I did it and I felt a hell of a lot better and if you whip it just right you might hit a seagull in the head.
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, a locksmith has finished changing the locks on Rosss door.]
Ross: Okay, and oh Im gonna need a bunch of extra keys. Apparently I give them away for no reason at all.
Mona: (entering) Hey Ross, whats going on? You changing the lock?
Ross: No. That guy is.
Mona: I dont understand. You-you give me a key to your apartment and then you change the lock.
Locksmith: Good luck buddy. (Exits.)
Mona: Umm, I-I thought we were moving forward and now youre-youre sending me all these mixed signals. What are you trying to tell me?
Ross: Im trying to tell you I made you a mix tape.
Ross: I love you!
Mona: Ohh! (Hugs him.) And I love spending time with you. (Ross isnt happy.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is eating dinner as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hi honey Im home.
Monica: From the tequila factory?
Chandler: It was awful. To get out of going to dinner with Doug I told him that you and I split up. So then he took me to all these strip clubs and sleazy bars, and then when I wouldnt give him my wedding ring, he threw a soda can at a bird!
Monica: Come here. I can breath through my mouth.
Chandler: Yknow what the worse part was? I got to see what my life would be like without you. It was like Its a Wonderful Life with lap dances. Please promise that you will never leave me, that we will grow old together, and be with each other for the rest of our lives.
Monica: I promise. Hey, speaking of together, how about we send out a holiday card this year?
Chandler: Ooh, I dont know if were there yet.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is on the phone.]
Rachel: Yes. Hi, Id like to order a pizza. Okay, can I ask you a question? Is-is the cute blond guy delivering tonight? Very Ambercrombie & Fitch. (Joey enters.) Ill call you back.
Joey: Who was that?
Rachel: Its just the pizza place.
Joey: You hung up on the pizza place? I dont hang up on your friends.
Rachel: Im sorry honey, Im just having a, having a rough day.
Joey: Oh, whats wrong?
Rachel: Oh you really, you really just dont want to hear about it.
Joey: Then why did I ask?
Rachel: Okay, its justand this is really embarrassingbut lately with this whole pregnancy thing Im just finding myself how do I put this umm, erotically charged.
Joey: Is that college talk for horny?
Rachel: Yeah. So yknow, I have all of these feelings and I dont know what to do about them, because I cant date like a normal person, which is fine because I dont need a relationship, I mean all I really want is one great night. Just sex, yknow? No strings attached, no relationship, just with someone that I feel comfortable with and who knows what hes doing. For just one great night, I mean is that really so hard to find. (Looks at Joey.) So how was your day?
Joey: Good, I uh, I saw a pretty big pigeon.
Rachel: Well, I gotta get up early and its almost seven oclock.
Joey: Yeah, I gotta, I gotta go to my room too.
Rachel: Okay, good night!
Joey: Good night. (They both enter their rooms.)
Joey: (entering) I cant do it!
Rachel: (entering) I didnt ask you to do it!
Joey: Youre Rachel!
Rachel: Youre Joey!
Joey: Youre my friend!
Rachel: Right back at ya!
Joey: But plus, it would be wrong and weird and-and-and bad.
Rachel: And so bad. I dont even know what youre talking about because I didnt ask you to do anything!
Joey: I know!
Joey: Do you wanna do it?
Joey: All right, me neither! I was just testing you!
Rachel: Thats the end of this conversation!
Joey: This conversation never happened!
Rachel: Never happened! Good night!
Joey: Good night!
(They both go into their rooms and after a little while Rachel pokes her head into the living room.)
Joey: Get back in there! (Rachel re-enters her room and closes the door.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is there as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hi. Listen, Im sorry about that whole thing with Roger. It really wasnt right, and I, and I want to make it up to you, so umm, I brought you something that I think youll really enjoy. (Goes into the hallway and returns carrying the Evander Holyfield cutout.) Now, this is just a loan. Okay? Im gonna, Im gonna want him back. So (Looks at him longingly) Im gonna go now. (Exits.) (Pause) (Entering) Im sorry, I thought I could do it and I cant! (She grabs the cutout and exits for good.)