Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
Story by: Robert Carlock
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen with additional material by Keith Owen.
Original material is in black. Additional material is in blue.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is trying on a pair of new boots as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Hey! So what do you think?
Chandler: New haircut? (Monica nods No.) Necklace? (No) Dress? (No) Boots? (Monica nods Yes.) Boots!
Monica: Yes! Now, theyre a little more than I normally spend on boots or rent (Shows him the receipt.)
Chandler: Did you say you bought boots, or boats?
Monica: I know.
Chandler: Im gonna miss being able to afford food.
Monica: Im sorry, they just, they just look so good! And the saleswoman was looking at me like, "Oh, these are way too expensive for you."
Chandler: She had a point. (Shows her the receipt.)
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Rachel: Oh my God! (Notices the boots) Oh Monica! Those boots are amazing!
Monica: Theyre mine!
Chandler: Yeah well, too bad were gonna have to return them.
Rachel: Return them?! Shh! Theyre gonna hear you!
Monica: Honey, Im not returning them. Okay? I mean I-I know they cost a lot, but Im going to wear them all the time. Youll see. Besides, I love the compliments. I mean, have you ever had something so beautiful everyone wanted it?
Chandler: I have you.
Monica: Nice try; Im keeping the boots.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are sitting on the couch and Ross is talking to Rachels, who is now showing, stomach.]
Ross: Thats right, I love you! And-and Im gonna play with you all the time.
Phoebe: How can you let him talk to your crotch like that?
Rachel: (pause) Hes talking to the baby.
Phoebe: Ohh! Okay! Okay, cause when-when he said, "I cant wait to hear your first words," I thought, "Theres a trick."
Rachel: Okay. Well, I gotta go you guys. Ill see you later.
Rachel: Bye. (She gets up to leave but is stopped by Joey)
Joey: Oh hey Rach, listenHi!
Joey: Umm, can you do me a favor? I was talkin to my sister and she knows you work at Ralph Lauren
Rachel: No, forget it! No way! I am not sending anymore Ralph Lauren clothes to prison. It is a waste.
Joey: No-no-no-no-no-no, not her, not her. My youngest sister, Dina, shes really interested in fashion, and she wants to talk to someone successful, yknow, to give her some advice.
Rachel: I guess I can talk to one of my supervisors
Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, she wants to talk to you!
Rachel: Really?! Oh my God! Im successful!
Joey: Okay, so will you meet with her?
Rachel: Yes! Id love to! Have her come by the office.
Joey: Great! Thanks! Youre gonna love her so much. AndOh, shes the smartest of all the Tribbiani children. Hey, yknow the S.A.Ts?
Joey: She took em!
(Joey goes to get coffee and Rachel exits as the camera pans to Phoebe and Ross on the couch.)
Phoebe: Hey Ross! Doesnt Ben go to the Smithfield Day School?
Ross: Yeah. Why?
Phoebe: Sting has a son that goes there too!
Ross: Yeah I know; hes in Bens class.
Phoebe: You knew this and you never said anything?! With all the stupid dinosaur stuff you tell us?!
Ross: Fine! No more dinosaur stuff! Can I talk about fossils? (Joey is about to sit down and hears this so instead he groans and exits.)
Phoebe: Stings son, seven years old and theres a picture.
Ross: What are you reading? The Kidnappers Guide to Manhattan Private Schools?
Phoebe: No, its New York magazine. Its an article about the best schools in the city. So how well do you know Sting?
Ross: Uh, I actually havent even met him.
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah thats too bad. I really want to go to his concert Friday night, but its totally sold out. I know! Why dont you meet him and get tickets?! If you get two Ill take you.
Ross: Well actually, Im picking Ben up tomorrow, maybe hell be there.
Phoebe: There you go! Oh, you are so lucky! You might actually get to meet Sting tomorrow! Thats why you have kids!
[Scene: Central Perk, the next day Rachel, Phoebe, and Chandler are there as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey guys!
Rachel: Hi Monica!
Monica: Hey. (Sits down on the arm of the couch.)
Rachel: Hi boots.
Monica: See Chandler? Im getting a lot of use out of them already! Theyre very practical. See, you can wear them with dresses, with skirts, with pants
Chandler: You can wear them with shorts on a street corner and earn the money to pay for them. (Goes and gets some coffee at the counter.)
Phoebe: Wow! Theyre beautiful!
Monica: (almost crying) They hurt so much!
Monica: The guy who made these hates feet and wants to see them die!
Rachel: Well-well you can give them to me! I havent felt my feet in years!
Monica: I cant! I spent so much money on them and I told Chandler that Id wear them all the time, I just cant give them away!
Phoebe: Well then get your money back and return them!
Monica: I cant do that either! The soles are already a little scuffed up and the insides are filled with my blood.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: (returning to his seat) Hey!
Ross: Hey I uh just picked up Ben from school
Chandler: (spinning around looking for him) I dont think you did a very thorough job!
Ross: I dropped him off at Carols. (To Phoebe) Anyway, it turns out that Im not going to be able to get those tickets though.
Phoebe: Oh no! Why not?
Ross: Well it turns out that Ben and Stings son do not get along.
Phoebe: How come?!
Ross: Apparently, Stings son made fun of the fact that Bens moms are lesbinims.
Phoebe: Wait! But Ross if they dont get along then you should smooth things over. Make them be friends.
Ross: Phoebe, you cant force kids to be friends.
Phoebe: Sure you can! Give them some blocks, put them in a playpen!
Ross: Playpen?! Bens seven!
Phoebe: Your kid is seven?! (Ross nods, "Yes.") (To the rest) Hes really small. (To Ross) Please! Please get the tickets!
Ross: Look Im sorry Pheebs, I cant do it.
Phoebe: Yes you can! Sting says so himself!
Phoebe: (singing) Rosssss can!
Ross: Look Phoebe, Im sorry its just
Phoebe: (singing) Rossss can!
Ross: Phoebe, I
Phoebe: (singing) Rosss can! Give me the tickets! Ross can give me the tickets!!
(Ross runs out to get the tickets.)
[Scene: Rachels Office, Joey has brought Dina to meet with Rachel.]
Joey: (entering, with Dina) Here she is! Future fashion superstar!
Rachel: Oh Joey, Im hardly a
Joey: My little sister Dina!
Rachel: Right! Hi Dina!
Rachel: Nice to meet you. (They shake hands.)
Dina: Thanks so much for meetin with me. Joeys told me so much about you!
Joey: This is so exciting for her. Ralph Lauren just smiled at her in the elevator.
Rachel: Really? Are you sure it was you because he likes it sometimes when the buttons light up.
Joey: Well, Ill let you two fash ists get down to business. (To Dina) You, be good. Learn a lot, and if she takes you to the freebie room, I need shirts, but none with that creepy logo with the guy riding the dog, holding a bone. (Exits.)
Rachel: Okay. All right Dina, well lets talk about the different areas of fashion that you could get involved in. Lets see, theres design, but you may need a whole other degree for that. Uh, theres-theres sales, which is great because you get to travel
Dina: I I dont care about fashion! Im pregnant! And I know you are too, so you gotta help me!
Rachel: (stunned) And theres marketing
[Scene: The Hallway, Monica is returning, but before she enters the apartment she stops on the step and changes from wearing tennis shoes to the boots and she moans in pain as she puts each boot on.]
Monica: (standing up) Ahhhhhhhh!
Chandler: (opening the door) Whats wrong?
Monica: Oh nothing Im justjust was yawning. (Mimics the groan from before and stretches.)
Chandler: Oh dont forget, my office holiday party is tonight. (They go into the apartment.)
Monica: Oh, that's tonight?
Chandler: Yeah. Oh, I forgot all about the Secret Santa gift. (picks up a statue of an owl off the phone table.) do we like this?
Monica: Honey, we dont really have to go to this thing tonight do we?
Chandler: Now sweetie, I know you dont like my office parties, but you can wear your new boots. See? Every cloud has a supple leather lining.
Monica: I-I dont-I dont think that Im gonna wear the boots tonight.
Chandler: Why not?
Monica: Well yknow, Im just-Im just worried that bosses will see them and think they pay you too much money. Or! Or your assistant will see them and-and want a raise!
Chandler: Do you think I work at some kind of boot pricing company?
Monica: Anyway, I picked up this outfit that I want to wear and the, and the boots dont really go with it.
Chandler: You said that you paid all that money because those boots go with skirts, dresses, and pants! What are you wearing? A chicken suit?
Monica: Fine! If you want me to wear the boots, Ill wear the boots. In fact, Ill go into my room right now and yknow try the outfit on.
Monica: Okay? (She starts to walk which causes her to start crying) Ooo wee! Christmas party in my boots! (Runs into the bedroom and mixes saying ow with laughing.)
[Scene: The Hallway, Rachel is about to enter her apartment with Dina to tell Joey the news.]
Dina: I-I cant go in there. I cant tell him!
Rachel: Honey, its going to be okay. Hes been incredibly supportive of me, and if he gets a little upset; thats what the meatball sub is for. (She gives Dina a sandwich wrapped in aluminum foil.)
Dina: Thank you.
Joey: Hey! Its my fashion girls! (They dont react.) Whats wrong?
Rachel: Honey, why dont you sit down? Dina has something that she wants to tell you.
Joey: (concerned) Oh. Whats, whats going on? Is it mom? Is she sick? Is it dads heart? Is that a sandwich?
Dina: Joe, mom and dad are fine
Joey: Is that a sandwich?!
Rachel: Joey theres something that you should know. Dina?
Dina: Im pregnant.
Joey: (angrily) What?!
Rachel: (To Dina) Now! Give him the sandwich! Give him the sandwich! (She quickly sets the sandwich in front of him.)
Joey: Well obviously this is a mistake! You cant be pregnant! Because you have to have sex to get pregnant!
Dina: Joe, I tried to wait until I was 25 like you did!
Rachel: What?! Dina
Joey: (to Rachel) Bub!!! (Points at her and quiets Rachel.) (To Dina) I cant believe this! Youre the good one! You went to college! Both years! Who did this to you?!
Dina: Bobby Corso, but hes a real nice guy. I like him a lot. Hes real funny.
Joey: You got pregnant for funny?! Dina if hes funny laugh! All right, Ill be back in a little while! You stay here!
Dina: Why? Where are you going?
Joey: I cant look at you right now! (Exits and slams the door behind him.)
Rachel: I know.
(Joey storms back in and covering his face so he doesnt see Dina grabs the sandwich and heads back out.)
[Scene: The Midfield Day School, its after school and Ben is taking a drink of water as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Oh, there you are Ben! (Ben looks shocked to see her) You're Ban right?
Ben: Aunt Phoebe, what are you doing here?
Phoebe: Well, I heard youre having a problem with one of the boys in your class. And so I thought I would just come down here and sit you both down, have a little talk and make it all okay. Now umm, the boys name is Stings son.
Ben: Jack? I hate him! Hes a jerk.
Phoebe: Now Ben, sometimes people may seem like jerks on the outside, but they have famous fathers.
Ben: I have to go. My friend Doug is waiting for me over there. (Goes over to Doug.)
Phoebe: Wow, your friend Doug looks a lot like Billy Joel. Is that who his father is?
Ben: No, his dad's a dentist.
Phoebe: Him youre friends with. (Starts looking at the children trying to find Jack and a teacher notices her.)
The Teacher: Excuse me. Can, can I help you with something?
Phoebe: Yes! Yes you can, Im looking for Jacks parents.
The Teacher: Are you with one of the students?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, Im with Ben.
The Teacher: Are you one of Bens mothers?
Phoebe: I am one of Bens mothers. Im a lesbian. It was, it was difficult coming out to my parents.
The Teacher: Well hi, Im Jenny Boone. Im the new teacher here.
The Teacher: Ive only met your partner Carol.
Phoebe: Ah! Okay so that would make me Susan.
The Teacher: Right. Are you looking for Jacks parents to discuss the problems hes having with Ben? (Phoebe nods Yes.) Yeah. Because I really do think the parents should sit down and have a conversation.
Phoebe: Yeah! Lets do that!! That-that sounds good. We should sit down and talk, just me, my lover Carol, and the Stings. Umm, how-how will I get in touch with them?
The Teacher: Oh, their number is on the contact sheet.
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Umm, could-could I get a copy of that? Cause Carol threw it out, she lost ours. Shes such a scatterbrain, but man what a hot piece of ass.
[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Monica are walking down the sidewalk after his office holiday party.]
Chandler: Yknow, that party wasnt bad.
Monica: Yeah! I didnt know there would be dancing. That was a fun surprise!
Chandler: I dont see any uh, cabs. Maybe we should just walk?
Monica: Oh no, we cant walk! (points) There's a cab.
Chandler: That's a Police car
Monica: Oh. Well maybe we could commit a crime, have 'em pick us up.
Chandler: Itís like fifteen blocks to the subway. C'mon
Monica: Hey! Do you think that we can get to the subway right there if we climb down through the manhole cover?
Chandler: Whats going on?
Monica: I cant walk. Okay? Okay? These boots were a huge mistake!
Monica: Okay you were right! All right, I never should have bought them! Theyre killing me! One toe at a time!
Chandler: So, there a little tight huh?
Monica: I did say you were right sweety. Isn't it clear I'm delirious from the pain?
Chandler: So I was right. This is what it feels like to be right. (Pause) Its oddly unsettling.
Monica: How are we gonna get home? Maybe a piggy-back ride?
Chandler: Honey, I don't think me getting on your back's gonna improve matters.
Monica: Wow, being right sure doesn't help with the funny.
Chandler: Hop on.
Monica: Okay. Wait, just give me a second, I need to just get my boots off first. (She starts taking them off.) Ah Ooh Oohh Ohh Oh God Ohh Oh Ohh Ohhhh
Chandler: Honey, I know youre in pain right now, but Im a little turned on.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Dina and Rachel are reading pregnancy books, Dina Pregnancy for Dummies and Rachel something else.]
Dina: Do you ever worry that youll be walking and your baby will just like slip out?
Rachel: What college was that Dina?
(Joey enters dragging a guy.)
Dina: Oh my God! Bobby!
Bobby: Hi Dina. Good to see you.
Rachel: Joey, what are you doing?
Joey: Just what needs to be done! Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join this man and this woman
Rachel: Oh Joey this is crazy!
Joey: Dont interrupt me when Im talkin to God! Now where were we? Oh right, okay. Do you Dina, take this man
Joey: Oh youll take em!
Dina: No I wont!
Joey: Hey! You dont get a say in this!
Dina: Yes I do!
Joey: Ahhh! I heard "I do", were halfway there! Okay! (To Bobby) You!
Rachel: All right Joey! That is enough! (Grabs him and pulls him away from Bobby and Dina) Listen, as beautiful and moving as this ceremony is, its not legal. Okay? They-they dont have a marriage license, they dont have any witnesses, and the groom only has on one shoe!
Bobby: Yeah, he took the other one off and hit me with it.
Joey: Well what am I supposed to do?
Rachel: Youre supposed to realize that they are adults! And that they can make their own decisions.
Joey: No they cant! They were stupid enough to get knocked up!
Rachel: Heyyyyy! Contraceptives are not always effective! (To Bobby and Dina) Right?
Bobby: Yeah we kinda didnt use any
Rachel: Oh, come on kids! A little help here!
[Scene: Stings Apartment, Phoebe has come to talk about Jack and is waiting for Stings wife, Trudie Styler, to enter.]
Phoebe: Wow! This place is incredible! (Gasps) Stings pen that he gave to Phoebe. (Puts the pen in her purse and goes over to a floor-to-ceiling bookcase) Come on! Secret passageway! (Starts pulling books at random as Trudie enters.)
Trudie Styler: Hi! (By the way, its actually her.)
Trudie Styler: Im Trudie.
Trudie Styler: You must be Bens mum.
Phoebe: Why else would I be here?
Trudie Styler: Do sit down.
Phoebe: Uh-huh. (They go and sit down.)
Trudie Styler: I gather Jack and Ben havent been getting along lately.
Trudie Styler: Im told there are two sides to this story, but all Ive heard is that Bens a bit of a poo-poo head.
Phoebe: Umm, Im sorry. Wont-wont Jacks father be joining us?
Trudie Styler: No
Phoebe: Oh, I see. Yeah you see, I think it will be better for the children, Y'know if all the parents were here. Except for, y'know Ben's birth mother and father.
Trudie Styler: Oh Im sorry, Jacks father is not available.
Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Okay. Well then, could we reschedule? For say, Friday night perhaps at 8 oclock?
Trudie Styler: Oh no, I know that wouldnt work. My husbands in concert.
Phoebe: Concert. Yeah. That does put us in quite a pickle. Because you see Im very busy before and after the concert, and hes obviously busy during.
Trudie Styler: So, I guess you and I should talk about Jack and Ben right now.
Phoebe: Unless! Unless umm, okay I-I would be willing to go to the concert, umm, all the while thinking about the children of course.
Trudie Styler: Are you here for tickets?
Phoebe: Oh, thank you. Four would be great.
Trudie Styler: Im not giving concert tickets to someone whod use their son like this!
Phoebe: Oh good! Then youre in luck! Bens not my son!
Trudie Styler: (stands up) Look, Ive just pressed a button, triggering a silent alarm. Any minute now, the police will be here!
Phoebe: The Police? Here? A reunion?! (She gets out her camera.)
[Scene: The Street, Chandler is carrying Monica past a store window.]
Chandler: Okay, ten blocks down. Five to go.
Monica: (notices something in the window) Oh wait! Stop! Stop! Stop!
Chandler: Oh Im sorry! Do you need a break?
Monica: My boots in tan! Hey! Can you get a little closer so I can see the price?
Chandler: I can see it from right here. Itll cost you one husband.
Monica: Okay, Im sorry. I think I can walk the rest of the way now. Just-just give me my boots.
Chandler: (pause) I dont have your boots.
Monica: Well I dont have them either. Where are they?
Chandler: Well, why dont you check in one of my saddlebags while I chew on a bale of hay!
Monica: Okay. (She gets off him.) God well, we gotta go back and get them!
Chandler: Honey, are you seriously ever gonna wear the boots again?
Monica: Yes I am! Ok, They're very practical. I can wear then with pants or...
Monica: Okay, Im never gonna wear them again. I just didnt get a chance to say goodbye.
Chandler: Yknow what? You can say goodbye to the tan ones.
Monica: Okay. (Climbs back on his back.) All right.
Chandler: Okay. (Moves closer to the window.)
Monica: (to the boots) Bye bootsWait! Half off?! (Chandler runs off.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are still discussing Bobby and Dinas situation.]
Rachel: Joey, just because theyre not getting married doesnt mean this is going to be a disaster. Maybe they have a plan!
Joey: Oh? Oh! Okay! Okay! Lets hear their plan! Now, whats the future look like for Dina and Bobby?
Bobby: Well I really have high hopes for my band.
Joey: (to Dina) You were right. He is funny.
Rachel: Hey, now wait a minute! I get when you told people at first that you wanted to be an actor they laughed at you! Now come on Bobby, why dont you tell us a little bit about your band?
Bobby: Well its just me and my pal Rooster, the bands name is Numb Nuts.
Rachel: (To Dina) Really? (Nods her head at Bobby.)
Joey: Dina, if youre having a baby you should be married! Even if it is to Bobby! (Bobby gets happy.) Dude, thats not a compliment!
Dina: No Joey! I knew you wouldnt be supportive!
Joey: So whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What are you gonna do? Youre gonna have the baby and-and raise it by yourself without a husband?! You cant be a single mother alone! Youre gonna ruin your life!
Rachel: Oh excuse me! Am I ruining my life?
Joey: No! No! No! Its different for you. Youre so strong and together. Youre not some dumb kid who doesnt know what shes doing.
Dina: Excuse me?
Joey: One pregnant woman at a time, please! I just want you to be okay.
Rachel: So forcing her to marry Bobby is gonna make that happen?
Joey: Maybe! (To Bobby) Well! Well so-so uh, what kind of music does Numb NutsOh forget it! I cant!
Dina: Joey, I am scared to death about this. But I really think I can do it, Im just gonna need some help. And Bobbys gonna be here the whole time.
Bobby: You bet I am! (To Joey) And to answer your earlier question, were straight-up gangster rap. (Joey shakes his head as if hes about to lose it.)
Dina: Look, Rachels told me how much easier youve made all this on her. Why cant you do that for me?
Joey: Because! Cause Cause youre my baby sister!
Dina: And youre my big brother! I mean, youre my favorite guy in the whole world. Im not even scared to tell mom and dad. I was scared of telling you.
Joey: Well Id be scared of them, but all right.
Dina: Joey, I cant stand the thought of having this baby with you mad at me. I want him to have his uncle. Is my baby gonna have his Uncle Joey?
Joey: Of course hes gonna have his Uncle Joey!
Dina: Were gonna be all right. I mean, even if were not married this baby is gonna be so loved. Not just by us.
Joey: Thats right! By his uncle too!
Bobby: And by you.
Rachel: Okay Bobby, why dont we just come over here and let them have a little moment. (Drags Bobby away from Joey and Dina.)
Joey: Come here! (Hugs Dina and Bobby looks to hug Rachel.)
Rachel: No! Seriously! Whats wrong with you?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the sofa practising chords on her guitar. ross walks up behind her and leans in]
Ross: Guess what? (Phoebe starts to scream, then to the people who have started to watch them) We're good, we're good, we know each other. (sits down) So uh, anyway guess what?
Phoebe: There's more?
Ross: Youre gonna love me so much. I got Sting tickets!! (Holds up two.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! I do love you! How did you do it?!
Ross: Well lets just say (singing) Rosss caaaaan!
Phoebe: Oo, where are the seats?
Ross: Uh, middle balcony.
Phoebe: Okay, now would you say that thats more than 50 yards away from Sting, his wife, or a member of his family?
Phoebe: Then thats not breaking the law! Im there!