Transcribed by: Josh Hodge
The text in blue are scenes that were originally cut from the original airing of the show. The un-cut episode appeared on the Friends: The Complete Second Season Set in the United States.
Added footage text by Matthew G.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone except Ross is there watching Days of Our Lives.]
Amber: It’s not fair! It’s my money!
Dr. Ramoray: I know. But it’s what Brad wanted.
Phoebe: (to Rachel) Ok which one is she?
Rachel: Uh, that’s Brad’s widow.
Phoebe: Oh, why she so upset?
Rachel: ‘Cause she just found out she was cut out of the will.
Phoebe: Ugh, doesn’t she know you can’t define yourself in terms of money? That it’s about values and morals, and your ability to give and receive love.
Amber: Oh Drake.
Ramoray:: I'm sorry Amber. It's just like Brad to have to have the
Ross: I'm sorry I'm late, what happened?
Monica: We, we just wanna see the end.
Amber: I want you Drake.
Dr. Ramoray:: I know you do but you and I can never be together that way.
Ramoray:: There's something I never told you Amber. I'm actually
your half- brother.
(Everyone gasps. The show ends.)
Joey: Well, I get the medical award for separating the siamese twins. Then Amber and I go to Venezuela to meet our other half-brother, Ramone. And that's where I find the world's biggest emerald. It's really big but it's cursed.
Chandler: God that is good TV.
Chandler: Phoebs, play with meeee.
Chandler: Ya know Phoebs, don't feel so bad for 'em. After they're done playing, I break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty good time.
Phoebe: Why don't you play with your roommate?
Chandler: Ah he's a, he's not a big fan of foosball.
Phoebe: Uh oh, ooh, are we not getting along with the new boy?
Chandler: No he's, he's all right, just uh, he spends most of his time in his room.
Phoebe: Maybe that's because you haven't taken the time to get to know him. Let's remedy that, shall we?
Chandler: We don't need to remedy that.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, it'll be fun. (throws a tennis ball at Eddie's bedroom door)
Phoebe: Hi, um, I just thought that it would be fun if the three of us had some beers and got to know each other.
Eddie: Yeah alright, that sounds alright.
Phoebe: Oh good, ok. Oh nooo, I have to go because I'm late for my um, Green Eggs and Ham discussion group. Um tonight it's why he would not eat them on a train. Have fun bye.
Chandler: That was so lame.
Phoebe: I know, yeah. Ok, talk to him. (leaves)
So, you uh, you think that Speed Racer guy gets a lot of tickets or..?
[Time lapse. Chandler and Eddie are talking.]
Chandler: What're you kidding? I broke up with her. She actually thought that Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia.
Eddie: That's good man, when everybody knows that the uh, the capital of Cambodia is uh...
Not Sean Penn. Alright, I, I've got a funny one, alright. My last girlfriend
Tilly. Ok, we're eating breakfast, right, and I made all these pancakes, there
was like 50 pancakes right. And all of the sudden she turns to me, alright, and
she says, 'Eddie.' I say, 'yeah,' she says, 'Eddie, I don't want to see you
anymore.' And it was literally like she had reached into my chest, ripped out
my heart, and smeared it all over my life, ya know. And now there's like this
incredible abyss, ya know, and I'm falling and I keep falling and I don't think
I'm ever gonna stop. (finishes laughing) That uh, wasn't such a funny story,
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is singing. Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel are listening.]
Phoebe: And a crusty old man said I'll do what I can and the rest of the rats played maracas. That's it, thanks, good night.
Rachel: Great set tonight Pheebs.
Phoebe: I know.
Ross: Well, we should probably get going.
Monica: Ya know, I was thinking. Ya know how we always stay at your apartment? Well, I thought maybe tonight we'd stay at my place.
Richard: I don't know, I don't have my jammies.
Monica: Well, maybe you don't need them.
Ross: My baby sister, ladies and gentlemen.
Monica: Shut up, I'm happy.
Phoebe: Oh, this is so nice. All right I have to make a speech. I just wanna say that of all the guys that Monica has been with, and that is a lot, I like you the best.
Richard: Oh, thank you Pheebs. That's very sweet.
Richard: Hear that? She likes me best, and apparently there've been a lot.
Monica: Not a lot, Phoebe's kidding, Phoebe's crazy.
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is there. There's a knock at the door. He answers it to see a young woman holding a fish tank.]
Tilly: I'm looking for Eddie Minowick.
Chandler: Oh, uh, he's not here right now, uh, I'm Chandler, can I take a message, or, or a fish tank?
Tilly: I'm Tilly.
Tilly: I gather by that ‘oh’ that he told you about me.
Tilly: He's kind of intense huh?
Chandler: Yes. Hey, can I ask you, is Eddie a little...
Eddie: (walks around corner) A little what?
Chandler: Bit country? Or uh, you know a little bit rock and roll? C'mon in here you roomy.
Eddie: Hello Tilly.
Tilly: Eddie, I just came by to drop off your tank.
Eddie: That's very thoughtful of you. It's very thoughtful.
Tilly: Well, ok then. I'm gonna go. Bye.
Chandler: So, we gettin' a fish?
You had sex with her didn't you?
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey enters with several magazines and runs up to Phoebe.]
Joey: Pheebs, check it out, check it out, check it out, check it out.
Phoebe: Oh, ooh, Soap Opera Digest, oh that's one of my favorite digests.
Joey: Page 42, page 42, page 42.
Phoebe: Ok, ok, ok. Ooh, hey 'new doc on the block, Days of Our Lives' Joey Tribbiani.' Ooh, cool picture.
Phoebe: Hey is this true, that you write a lot of your own lines?
Joey: Uh, well, kinda yeah. Like, remember last week when Alex was in the accident? Well the line in the script was, 'If we don't get this woman to a hospital, she's going to die.' But I made it, ' If this woman doesn't get to a hospital, she's not gonna live.'
Phoebe: Ohh, ok, I see what you did there. Aren't you afraid though, that the writers are gonna be kinda mad when they read this?
Joey: Huh? Never really thought
about the writers. The scripts
just kinda come to my house. But you know what? This makes me look good, which
makes the show look good, which makes the writers look good so how could they
be mad about that?
[Scene: At a Writer's desk. The Writer is working on a script for Days of Our Lives.]
Makes up most of his lines. Son-of-a-. Yeah, well, write this jerk weed.
[Scene: Joey's apartment. The next script is being delivered.]
Joey: I fall down an elevator shaft? What the hell does this mean, I fall down an elevator shaft?
Delivery Guy: Uhh, I don't know, I just bring the scripts.
Delivery Guy: Right. Could you sign this?
Joey: No. No way, I'm not signing that.
Delivery Guy: I don't think that's gonna affect the plot of the show.
Joey: How can they do this to me?
Monica: Well it wasn't that many guys. I mean, if you consider how many guys there actually are, it's a very small percentage.
Rachel: Hey, it's not that big a deal, I was just curious.
Monica: All right, before I tell you, uh, why don't you tell me how many women you've been with?
Monica: Two? TWO? How is that possible? I mean, have you seen you?
Richard: Well, I mean what can I say? I, I was married to Barbara for 30 years. She was my high school sweetheart, now you, that's two.
Richard: Woah, woah, no wait a minute now. C'mon it's your turn. Oh c'mon. Ya know, I don't need the actual number, just a ballpark.
Ok, it is definitely less than a ballpark.
Rachel: Wow, I am so glad I'm not Monica right now.
Ross: Tell me about it. So what, what's your magic number?
Rachel: Well, there's you.
Ross: Better not be doin' these in order.
Rachel: Ok, uh, Billy Dreskin, Pete Carney, Barry, and uh, oh, Paolo.
Ross: Oh yes, the weenie from Torrini.
Rachel: Oh honey, are you jealous of Paolo? Oh, c'mon, I'm so much happier with you than I ever was with him.
Oh please. That Paolo thing was barely a relationship. All it really was was
just, ya know, meaningless animal sex. Ok, ya know, that sounded soooo much
better in my head.
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.]
Chandler: Eddie, I didn't sleep with your ex-girlfriend.
Eddie: That's very interesting, ya know, 'cause that's exactly what someone who slept with her would say.
Chandler: This is nuts. This is crazy. She came over for like two minutes, dropped off a fish tank, and left, end of story.
Eddie: Where's Buddy?
Eddie: My fish, Buddy.
Chandler: There was no fish when she dropped it off.
Hey I didn't kill your fish. Look Eddie...(puts his hand on Eddie's shoulder)
Would you look at what I'm doin' here. That can't be smart. So we're just gonna
take this guy right off ya and put him here in Mr. Pocket. Tangelo? (picks up
the fruit an tosses it to Eddie, it hits Eddie in the chest and falls)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are in Monica's bedroom.]
Richard: That's it? That's the giant number you were afraid to tell me?
Monica: Well yeah.
Richard: Well, that's not bad at all. I mean, you had me thinkin’ it was like a fleet.
Monica: You really ok with it?
Richard: Oh honey, I'm fine.
Monica: Oh, yay. Ok about that two.
Richard: What? All right, what about my two?
Monica: Well, it just seems like a really small number.
Richard: Right, and...
Monica: And, well, don't you have a lot of wild oats to sew? Or is that what you're doing with me? Oh my God, am I an oat?
Richard: Honey, you are not an oat. I, I mean I don't know, I, I guess I'm just not an oat guy. I've only slept with women I've been in love with.
Monica: But you've only slept with two people.
Monica: Wow. Oh wow. You know I love you too, right.
Rachel: Ross, Ross, please listen to me. Ross, you are so much better for me than Paolo ever was. I mean you care about me, you're loving, you make me laugh.
Ross: Oh, hey, if I make you laugh, here's an idea, why don't you invite Paulo over and have a little romp in the sack and I'll just stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes.
Ross: Animal sex, animal sex? So what're you saying, I mean, you're saying that like, there's nothing between us animal at all. I mean there's not even like, uhm, a little animal, not even, not even like, like chipmunk sex?
Rachel: Ok, Ross, try to hear me. Ok, I, hey, I'm not gonna lie to you. Ok, it was good with Paolo.
Rachel: But, what you and I have is so much better. Ok, we have tenderness, we have intimacy, we connect. Ya know, I swear, this is the best I have ever had.
Until now. (jumps on Rachel on the bed)
(later in the bathroom Monica is looking in the drawer, Rachel runs up)
Rachel: Oh, hi.
Monica: Hi. Richard just told me he loves me.
Rachel: Oh my God, honey that's great.
Monica: I know. I just can't find...
Rachel: Oh they're in the top drawer. Hurry.
Monica: You need one too?
(they pull out the box of condoms but there's only one left)
Monica: There's only one.
Monica: Hi. Uh, we'll be right there, we're just trying to decide something. (shuts the bathroom door)
Ross: (comes out of the bedroom) Rachel. (growls then sees Richard standing there) Hey.
Richard: Hey. They're just trying to decide something.
Ross: Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your moustache, did, used to be different?
Ross: Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so neat?
Richard: I have a little comb.
Ross: Oh. And what do you call that?
(cut to bathroom)
Rachel: Ok, I, I will do your laundry for one month.
Rachel: Ok, ok, ok, I will, I will, I, hey, I will clean the apartment for two months.
Monica: All right, I tell you what, I'll give this to you now if you can tell me where we keep the dustpan.
Ross: So were you in Nam?
(cut to bathroom)
Rachel: Ok you know what, you know what? We are both adults here. Right? There’s got to be a mature way to handle this. Rock-paper-scissors?
Rachel and Monica: One two three. (Rachel picks rock, Monica picks scissors)
Monica: Fine, go have sex.
Richard: No. You have got it completely wrong. John Savage was deer hunter, no legs, John Voight was coming home, couldn't feel his legs.
Ross: No, no way. You've got it totally the other way around my friend. John Voight was...
Ross: What, what oh....(Ross and Rachel go into her room)
Monica: It's not gonna happen. They're doing it tonight, we can do it tomorrow.
Uh, in the future, if I could see the schedule beforehand...
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. All but Joey are present.]
Chandler: So, when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes.
Phoebe: Why would you kill his fish?
Chandler: Because sometimes, Phoebe after you sleep with someone, you have to kill the fish.
Rachel: Chandler honey, I'm sorry. Ok, can we watch Joey's show now please? (they turn on the TV)
Monica: Wait, he's not here yet.
Rachel: So, he's on the show, he knows what happens.
Monica: All right.
Chandler: Oh, I'm fine about my problem now, by the way.
Rachel: Oh good.
Dr. Ramoray:: Amber, I want you to know that I'll always be there for you, as a friend and as your brother.
Amber: Oh Drake.
Dr. Horton: Hard day huh? First the medical award, this.
Dr. Ramoray:: Some guys are just lucky I guess.
Intercom: Dr. Ramoray, report to first floor emergency, stat.
Dr. Ramoray:: Well then, uh, I uhh, guess that's me. Anyone else need to go on the elevator? Dr. Horton, Dr. Wong?
Dr. Horton: No, no, they only said you.
Dr. Ramoray:: Oh, ok. All right.
Amber: I love you Drake.
Dr. Ramoray:: Yeah, whatever. Oh no.
Amber: Drake, look out.
Monica: Did they just kill off Joey?
Ross: No. (sound of Dr. Ramoray's body hitting the bottom
of the shaft) Now maybe.
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Everyone is outside knocking.]
Ross: Open up. We want to talk to you.
Joey: I don't feel like talkin’.
Rachel: Oh c'mon Joey, we care about you.
Chandler: We're worried about you.
And some of us really have to pee.
(Joey opens the door)
Monica: Sorry Joey (runs to the bathroom)
Phoebe: Listen, sorry about your death, that really sucks.
Chandler: We came over as soon as we saw.
Ross: How could you not tell us?
Joey: I don't know, I was kinda hopin' no one would ever find out.
Phoebe: But Joey, you're gonna be fine. You don't need that show, it was just a dumb soap opera.
Joey: Phoebe, this was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
Phoebe: Yes, I was going to incorporate that. Oh good, here's Monica, she'll have something nice to say.
Monica: Um, I straightened out your shower curtain so you won't get mildew. What? To me that's nice.
Chandler: It's gonna be ok. You know that?
Joey: No, I don't. It's like, ya know, you work your whole life for somethin' and you think that when you get it it's never gonna be as good as you thought it would be. But this so was. Ya know, it changed everything. Like the other day, I got this credit card application, and I was pre- approved. Huh? I've never been pre-approved for anything in my life.
Rachel: Yeah, Joey honey, I don't know if this'll mean anything to you but you'll always be pre-approved with us.
No, that means nothin’ to me.
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler walks in to see Eddie holding a tray of cookies.]
Eddie: Pecan sandy, just made em.
Chandler: Yeah all right. What're these, raisins?
Eddie: Uh, sure, why not.
Eddie: I got a little surprise, look. There's a new fishy. I named him uh, Chandler, you know, after, after you.
Chandler: (looks in the fish bowl to see a fish cracker, gives Eddie a confused look) Well that's not an, even a real fish. No, that's a goldfish cracker.
Eddie: What's you point man?
Chandler: Ok, good night. (walks towards his room) You big freak of nature.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.]
(Ross comes out of Rachel's bedroom in her bathrobe and heads for the bathroom. On his way back, Richard comes out of Monica's bedroom in her bathrobe.)
Richard: Ohh, brisk tonight.
Ross: Oh man.
Richard: Let's never speak of this.
Ross: You got it.